


Break what can’t be fixed

by garden_of_stars



Series: A Garden of Stars [8]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Phone Sex, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-10-04 03:22:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 52,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17296796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garden_of_stars/pseuds/garden_of_stars
Summary: Saeyoung and Saeran have been dating long enough now that they’ve begun to grow complacent. They can even show affection for each other in front of the RFA fearlessly. It finally feels like their lives are becoming what they’d always wished for, as children.But it’s all about to change, as a shadow from their past reaches out to tear them both apart once more. Saeran left behind, while Saeyoung is wandering in a hot and sandy desert…This fic carries on directly from the previous one in the Garden of Stars series, which explores the twins falling in love and dating after Jumin’s Good End. It’s possible to read this fic as a stand-alone, though there will be references to events from previous stories.Chapter 2 and 7 contain NSFW smut (and is flagged in their descriptions).The Garden of Stars series is based on RP transcripts from two people, edited together into a fic.





	1. All too familiar

**Author's Note:**

> Quick reminder that, just because we found the idea interesting, in this post-Jumin GE AU, we had Zen be the one to accompany Saeyoung to Mint Eye, rather than Yoosung.

**Saeyoung**

It should feel weird to be on a date with your brother and an RFA party guest. Your brother, who you are secretly dating. The guest, who had bought the date as part of a fundraising auction.

But Saeyoung find it doesn’t feel weird at all. Not even a little.

If anything, he’s enjoying the opportunity to be on a real date where neither of them have to hide their gender or relation to each other. The third party offering an entirely different sort of a shield, compared to cross-dressing.

(It's still nicer being with you alone, but I could enjoy this sort of thing every now and again...) Saeyoung muses. Their mental link made everything much easier, too. Always in touch with each other privately even as they accompany the guest.

She's pleasant company, thanking them both graciously as the date wraps up.

It's as they return to the car that the two of them realise something is very, very wrong.

Both of them had kept their phones on silent during the date, and not once checked them out of politeness to their guest, but now..

"S-seven missed calls?" Saeyoung hasn't had this many in so short a time period since he worked for the Agency.

And even more messages... and missed chatrooms.

Saeran has nearly as many.

"...I'll get us home... can you... look through what's going on?" Saeyoung's voice is carefully neutral, but he can't hide his underlying nervousness from his twin.

The last time his phone had gone this crazy...

...hadn't been for a good reason.

Has _never_ been for a good reason.

**Saeran**

Saeran's own heart rate has picked up, also not for good reasons. By the time Saeyoung suggests he check things out, Saeran is already on it - looking into the RFA chatrooms first, since there was a good chance whatever was wrong would be mentioned there first.

He's right.

"We need to leave."

From the panicked seriousness of his tone, Saeran doesn't just mean going home.

He means _leave_.

**Saeyoung**

Two competing instincts are triggered in Saeyoung, from his brother’s panicked tone.

His Agency training; clinical and emotionless. Ready to assess their risks and adapt a plan.

And deeper, older… his role as an older brother. To comfort and protect and soothe.

He suspects he’ll need both, for whatever this is. He bites his lip and forces his emotions into the background as best he can.

For now, above everything else, he must be calm.

What could make Saeran say something like that? Discovery of their relationship, maybe, though… in that tone of voice?

Rika? The Agency?

...their father?

With a sinking feeling, Saeyoung's gut tells him one is far more likely than the other.

"Someone's after us, aren't they?"

He doesn't want it to be him...

Please, not him...

**Saeran**

"It's him." Saeran confirms with a hiss, far less calm. For all other people presumed he was the 'cool' one, Saeran has never dealt well with high-stress situations.

"He's contacted Jumin, asking about V. Trying to get at _us._ It's over. We need to go!"

The RFA would be fine.

They're not who their father really wants.

(Don't let him trap us.)

Their freedom was so hard-fought for. Saeran isn't about to allow either of them to sacrifice that.

Even going back to the bunker at this stage was risky.

**Saeyoung**

He squashes his guilt about his part in encouraging his twin to take a more prominent role at the last RFA party. What if that was what had gained their father’s attention? He curses himself, an idiot too caught up in wanting to indulge his feelings that he endangered his lover. His _brother._

No. He can feel guilty later. He can feel selfish later. For now...

Saeyoung keeps his voice level. "Interesting that he's telegraphing his moves like this. He must not have access to the information he needs about us yet. We may have more options than we think."

He needs to get more information, too.

Saeyoung pulls his phone from his pocket and hands it to his twin. "Take this. Your fingerprint will unlock it."

Saeran knows that already, but given the way he's tensing up...

"Open the app with the glasses and the exclamation point. Let's see if the bunker's still secure for now."

Giving Saeran something else to do helps a little, his twin reading off the various indicators and checking various activity records carefully.

"Good," Saeyoung concludes. "I'm confident he doesn't know our address yet, then. We have time."

**Saeran**

Saeran doesn't relax, per se. But he shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath, turning the facts over in his head.

Saeyoung is right. To a degree. They have options.

(But we're still sitting ducks.)

He'd like to avoid a fight. Right now, no one's life was in danger...

But that could change. One wrong move and it'll all be over. For all their talent and connections, they don't have the same firepower as their father. Which is probably why he had moved so brazenly. Confident he was untouchable.

"We got cocky."

Plain and simple.

Letting it get to him wasn't doing either himself or Saeyoung any favours though.

With a grimace, Saeran reopens his eyes and checks the messenger app on his own phone. Ensuring that the security features were still tight, before logging in to make a new chatroom. Yoosung and MC log on almost immediately. Their concern and interest is... touching.

Guilt settles into Saeran's stomach. Seconds ago he'd been ready to abandon them without a thought.

(Such a hypocrite.)

**Saeyoung**

Cautious even with his security checks all passing muster, Saeyoung parks the car on the street, letting the engine run.

"Lock the car door after me. I'm just going to double-check a few things before we enter. Just to be safe. If I need more than 5 minutes, I'll call you."

(If I don't call by then, leave. Go to Jumin.)

**Saeran**

"No."

Saeran's response is immediate. Eyes hard and jaw set.

He won't agree no matter how much Saeyoung might beg.

"Like hell I'm letting you go in alone."

They're in this together or not at all.

And Saeran won't let Saeyoung leave him behind ever again.

**Saeyoung**

"..." Saeyoung stares back at him a moment.

Time is ticking away out even as they sit here looking at each other.

Plus… he doesn't really want to separate either.

And it's not like Saeran is helpless, even if he isn't trained the way Saeyoung is…

"...okay," he accedes, holding Saeran's gaze.

"Okay..." he repeats, more softly, eyes flicking over Saeran's clothing and face. But nothing looks like it'll hamper his brother, if they need to run.

They can go like this.

It’s a couple tense minutes, but his caution turns out to be unnecessary, reconnaissance turning up nothing of concern. It sets his mind at ease about the security of the bunker completely, for now at least.

They return to the car and get it off the street, still unwilling to separate.

Then, finally, they’re back inside for real, on familiar, _secure_ ground.

"I'm going to call Jumin. I've already got emergency bags prepared... but I think we still have time... maybe pick out some clothes and devices you want to be sure we bring if we do need to leave any time soon..."

Saying it makes it all... feel so much more real. Saeyoung squashes down the nausea that thought raises in his stomach.

"We still have options. We still have time."

And...

"I'll... stay by your side while I talk, okay? When we're both done, we can gather some more info..."

He's scrolled through his texts at least, even if he hasn't listened to any messages or checked the chats.

And the text from Jumin is clearly the most pressing. 'I have something for you from V. Contact me soon.’

Jumin picks up as soon as the call begins to ring.

"Luciel."

"Jumin. I haven't read the chatrooms properly yet. Please, tell me what you know."

**Saeran**

Saeran doesn't move immediately. Hovering as Saeyoung makes the call, before brushing his hand tenderly down Saeyoung's back. Communicating all his love and fear.

But that's all the sentimentality he allows. Relying on Saeyoung to stay with him as promised, Saeran begins working to collect their emergency kits and unhook any equipment that they may need. Careful not to remove anything too important.

**Saeyoung**

"Mmm. Yeah. No, I haven't."

Saeyoung's half of the conversation is largely uninformative, but it carries on for a good ten minutes at least.

"...I didn't realise you knew that, too," he comments at one point, sounding slightly annoyed, "but I'm glad, now... what else?"

For the most part, Saeyoung is emotionless. Cold, even.

"Since when? But what if he'd...? Okay. Yes, I understand that. But-"

Occasionally, though, he reaches out, touching Saeran's arm or back. Gentle touches, in between his emotionless words.

"Honestly right now I'm more confident about securing this location than... well, that's true. But he knows you're connected to us..."

After a little more back and forth...

"I'll prepare for both options, then. I appreciate your help in letting us have more than one. Without this, we... yeah. Yeah. There's that, too."

A pause.

"I don't know whether you should tell them or not. Would that make them safer? Your opinion would be - okay. I'll talk to Saeran now, so don't just yet."

He’s already turning to Saeran even as he wraps up the call.

"Okay. Bye. Tell Jaehee thank you, too."

Then the emotion he’s been keeping from his voice all comes out, in a single word:

"Saeran..."

He holds out his arms.

(I need you a minute...)

**Saeran**

Saeran doesn't need to be entirely privy to the conversation to understand secrets were being unearthed. Ones not even Saeyoung was aware of.

It makes his mouth taste bitter.

But what's more important was that Saeyoung needs him.

Saeran drops the items he was organising, turning to embrace his twin silently. Not saying anything until Saeyoung is ready to talk.

**Saeyoung**

Breathing in deeply, Saeyoung holds his brother, letting his warmth calm him.

(Thank you… so…)

"Jumin had good info. We have negotiating power. We're not powerless. We don't have to give up everything but each other. Not yet."

He strokes Saeran's back.

"But if it comes to that, I won't hesitate. I'd rather not be forced into it, but there are places I wanted to go with you someday, anyway..."

A positive spin on a bleak situation

"So... Jumin knows more about our origins than I realized. Though he only learned some of it today. V..."

He sighs.

"V left him instructions for what to do if... if our father started asking questions. That's where he got this new info. He'd promised V he wouldn’t read it unless something happened... V really put a lot of faith in their friendship."

For Jumin’s part, both he and MC had learned the truth behind Rika’s disappearance not long after their first RFA party together. V had finally been forced to reach out to his friend, a result of Saeyoung’s own pursuit of the truth, after his first unsuccessful reunion with his brother.

Saeyoung had tracked down his twin a second time, at this point abandoned by Rika. She had thrown him away as useless when he’d failed to behave as she wanted. Acting on his own, including kidnapping Jumin’s cat…

So. Jumin had already been aware of some uncomfortable truths. Had arranged for both V and Rika to leave the country a couple years ago, to heal in peace, away from the RFA, and away from each other.

Yoosung...

Yoosung still didn't know. That secret, V had begged to keep. Zen, too, had only been a part of Saeran's retrieval - he knew nothing of Rika's involvement. Though the knowledge rested heavily on Jaehee, as Jumin’s assistant.

But before today, only V had known who the twin's father was...

Not any more.

Saeyoung grimaces into Saeran's shoulder.

There’d been a time when thoughts of V filled him with a fiery anger, holding him equally responsible for his brother’s suffering at Rika’s hands.

Over time, the feeling became a heavy rock in his belly, crushing every good memory of V with its weight into thin, paper-like things...

He brings Saeran up to speed with Jumin's suggestions.

Without an actual special operative team sent on government orders, they're quite secure in the bunker. For now. But they can't hole up in there forever. And they need to act.

Jumin has had Jaehee begin to assemble an intelligence team while the twins were on their day-long date. They start work tomorrow. And the twins can help. And if they work from C&R, they can access all of Jumin's personal resources...

"We should be safe here for at least a little while. But we should go to Jumin - he has places he can put us up that will be even more anonymous - the Agency still knows about this place, after all. If our father tries to buy information, he could learn of it. I bargained my way out of Agency work but they don't owe me any favours now. They'd sell my info for sure."

(Stupid. It might be secure, but I should have taken us somewhere else...)

It's just... this had been the first place he'd felt secure in... his entire life.

He pulls away a little, to press his forehead against his twin's, a gesture that always brings him comfort.

"Saeran... I love you. And... we're... we're strong. We have Jumin, the RFA behind us. I'm so glad I have you with me. We'll work this out. He won't control us after this. This... after we break free of him, then..."

It'll be the last person with power over them, gone.

Though quietly, a small part of him...

thinks about how...

in the right situation...

...he could possibly murder their father.

**Saeran**

Absorbing all the information rather than react right away, Saeran keeps his grasp around Saeyoung's waist.

"When it comes to our father..." he starts after a moment, thoughts similar to his brother’s, "I've often thought our life would have been better if he was gone from this world."

It's sad. Their family was so broken that it's made Saeran think like that about each and every member, at least once. But...

"I don't want the cost of that to be blood on our hands though. We're not like him."

Saeran already carried guilt about the death of their mother. While a suicide... in his painful world, he’d taken all the blame on himself. If only he'd been a better son, she wouldn't have taken her life. He’d as good as killed her himself.

Never mind all the abuse he suffered because of her. Forget that he had wished she was gone on more than one occasion.

Then of course, there was... That Attempt.

That time he'd tried to kill Saeyoung in a murder-suicide, the first time they met as adults.

It may have been forgiven, but certainly not forgotten. The memory a permanent crack in his heart, only filled by his brother's love.

"Let's focus... on staying alive, to begin with."

Saeyoung was clearly overwhelmed.

Thank god this time he was willing to get Saeran's help. For a second it felt like he’d regressed back to how he’d been as a teen, treating Saeran as something weak to be protected, rather than an equal. Forgetting all the progress they’d both made…

No doubt his brother’s improved attitude was partially due to reassurance from Jumin.

Speaking of:

"Changing any patterns right away is a bad idea." In other words, they should behave as usual. Not just the twins, but the RFA too.

"Don't have Jumin set any locations up yet. It might leave a trail..."

Really, it'd be safer if the twins moved on their own.

The only problem was limited locations, since most were known as hideouts to the agency too.

...except...

"There's always Rika's apartment, if we're desperate."

It still had a bomb in it, too. Dangerous, but useful as a deterrent... Though maybe Saeyoung would disable it.

Either way, they'll have to leave the bunker at some stage. At least until their father is dealt with. Maybe the Agency too.

"First, let's meet up with Jumin and this team of his. We can plan what to do once we've got full understanding of our resources."

One thing at a time.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung takes a deep breath. Right. Yes.

Murder…

Murder is… bad.

Yes…

The fact that it occurred to him so easily must mean he's not dealing with this as calmly as he thinks.

Still.

Saeran is right.

"Okay. Let's finish packing, and breathe, and do some research and…"

Should he sleep? He's not sure if he should sleep. He can probably get a lot done in terms of checking every member's security amongst other things if he doesn't sleep. Although. If he doesn't try sleeping, he can already tell Saeran's not going to sleep, either.

"Maybe we can take turns napping between everything else we need to do?"

At least that way they'll both be able to maintain a decent level of alertness.

"Then we can join Jumin's team when they begin work properly tomorrow."

**Saeran**

It's a solid plan. Saeran agrees easily, and the night seems to fly by with how busy they get.

Sleep-wise: an attempt is made. Neither Saeran or Saeyoung can relax enough to manage more than a few hours (accompanied with nightmares) but its better than nothing. Good enough to reasonably function.

In the morning, Saeran focuses on fixing them a large breakfast before the meeting, using up the food he can. This way hunger won't distract them either, and they can focus on buying food as needed.

Besides...

"You should eat."

Their appetites may be low, but it's the smart thing to do. And Saeran is worrying about his brother - seeing Saeyoung get so tense is... unsettling.

Maybe food would help.

**Saeyoung**

"Mmm... I will..." Saeyoung responds absently, buried in the results of his latest careful poking around certain Agency defences.

They've really slacked off since he left. He just needs time, and he'll be able to access what he's after...

But the food's going cold, and then he feels something... ah.

Saeran is looking at him.

Ah.

"Thank you..."

Not that that's what his twin was waiting for.

He spears some food from his plate, and chews on it, despite having zero appetite.

It tastes good, anyway, even if his stomach is in a knot.

He leans over to give Saeran a salty smooch on the cheek, nuzzling him a second after - before hunching back over his screen again.

**Saeran**

Saeyoung isn't the only one that needs to work, even if Saeran has taken it upon himself to look after their more immediate needs.

Looking over Saeyoung's shoulder, Saeran spots a glaring issue that his twin seems to be struggling with.

"That's a red herring." In other words, worth ignoring. Only there to distract from the real code.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung starts, blinking, staring at the screen afresh.

"Oh, right... I see..."

He skips ahead to the next section he's working on. "When you see this part, doesn't it make you think that-"

The two of them collaborate a little, and it's even more effective than Saeyoung would have guessed.

Their styles are similar, but their interpretation of the intention of the work they pick apart is different. Their priorities and suspicions and subtle tricks diverge and reunite in interesting ways.

It helps, too, that they don't always need to speak to get their points across.

Plus, having Saeran sit down beside him, a constant warmth at his thigh, his scent comfortingly in the background of Saeyoung's thoughts...

It makes everything he has to do just that little less unpleasant.

And it's reassuring just having him near. He even manages to finish the food.

**Saeran**

Saeran feels the same. As scary as the situation is, as grinding as the work gets... It's easier with Saeyoung by his side.

And there's no doubt the amount of time put into the work is practically halved.

It's enough that by the time they leave for the meeting, both of them feel a little confident that they'll be safe a while longer.

Nevertheless, it's better safe than sorry. They take the back roads into the city, and stick to lesser used routes to C&R. Not wanting to risk detection.

**Saeyoung**

Even their entry to the C&R building itself is discrete.

Jaehee’s intelligence team has been gathered from promising staff already working within C&R, the best way to assemble a group fast.

With the twin's guidance, a strong information gathering and defence strategy is put together within hours, and Jumin's staff get to work smoothly.

It's impressive. As is Jumin's access to technology. Even though the corporate heir himself is barely across what most of it does.

But, he's good at hiring people who do.

It's then Jumin takes them aside, with Jaehee, to share some additional information.

"V's note," Jumin begins, handing them a few pages of paper. "I wanted to let you choose whether to share this, first..."

V lists a series of indiscretions and misdemeanours far longer than what the twins have unearthed about their father so far.

It seems the photographer had been keeping tabs on the twin's father relentlessly ever since they were children.

"With this, we could completely shut him down..." Saeyoung wonders, eyes wide.

"Hints of some of these things recently led to a rumour that he may soon be impeached," Jumin adds, "which is probably why he's targeting you two now. Your presence at the party was most likely irrelevant."

Maybe, maybe not, but it's nice to think they have a small chance of not being the direct cause of their own current trouble. Saeyoung scans further down.

"...the evidence, though... V didn't leave it with you...?"

**Saeran**

"No." Jumin replies gravely, and Saeran can tell that the man is vaguely angry about it, "if he did, this would be much easier."

That they still have to rely on V in some way, even now...

It doesn't sit well with Saeran, after all they've been through due to V's warped sense of right and wrong. Knowing the man, it makes sense though. Undoubtedly, he thought that it was best to keep as many secrets as possible to protect the RFA and twins somehow.

(Stupid.)

"Are we going to start gathering information on this ourselves?" Saeran asks, faking optimism.

**Saeyoung**

"Yes," Jumin begins, "although, also-"

"You know where he is, don't you," Saeyoung interjects.

"Yes."

"And he has it. All of it. Doesn’t he?"

"That's my understanding."

"Can't we contact him, have him send it to us via something?"

Jumin shakes his head. "The only way to contact him that he has made known to me, is his physical location. He uses no internet connections, no landlines, no-"

"Where the _hell_ is he?"

Some of Saeyoung's resentment for how things worked out with V is clearly carrying over to Jumin, but the other man doesn't bat an eye. Jumin goes into more detail, explaining to them more than they originally cared to know about V's purposeful isolation of himself and Rika after the dissolution of Mint Eye.

The more they discuss it, the more it makes sense to go to the source - though it'll need to be discrete. And not without danger. They can't be certain their father isn't already attempting to locate V himself.

(...this...)

The more they talk, the clearer it becomes.

(...We need to be here, to cut our father off at every turn.)

But also...

(...We have to meet V and stop this before it goes too far.)

Two brothers. Two locations. Two dangerous tasks.

Saeyoung glances at Saeran out of the corner of his eye.

**Saeran**

Saeran glances back. The thought occurring to them simultaneously.

He doesn't like it. But if it's absolutely necessary...

"There's no way this can be done remotely?" he asks. Just to confirm. _Needing_ to confirm.

It hurts to think about being separated from Saeyoung. That he'd be unable to see his brother anymore, let alone feel his presence by his side... it's more painful than ever.

But if not done right, there's a good chance they won't live to enjoy their lives together anyway.

"No." Jumin says, confirming their worst fears.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung's stomach lurches.

But he has to face it. It's this, or, potentially, much, much worse.

He meets Jumin's eyes. "I've trained for things like this. I can get there and back safely, so long as Saeran has my back here."

Saeran filling the role of mission control, along with the other intelligence work needed.

"And so long as you are willing to-"

"Of course." It was never a question for Jumin. "You're members of the RFA. And." He pauses. "And, MC and I consider you family."

Of all the things to say, that's probably the best option if the goal is to make Saeyoung have to blink away tears.

He puts an arm around Saeran. (We can do this together. I'll need you with me every step of the way. Just not… physically together.)

"Thank you, Jumin... really. We're honoured."

**Saeran**

It doesn't makes things better, but... It helps. While not close, Saeran has always appreciated Jumin's approach and admired the man. So to hear that they're like family from him means a lot.

With Jumin's support, and consistent communication with Saeyoung, he can do this... Probably.

"If you'll have me..." Saeran tells Jumin, somewhat modestly.

Can he really work with C&R in such a capacity? Wouldn't Saeyoung be better at working in a team? Besides, it's unsettling Saeyoung is opting to leave, as logical as it might be.

(I'll be tracking your every move.)

And providing back-up as necessary, of course.


	2. If you call for me, I'll come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeyoung has been travelling for days, carefully making his way to V’s location while staying under the radar both of his father and The Agency. Already, he’s missing Saeran so much he can barely stand it. But he’s doing his best to complete his mission and return home to his twin.
> 
> **This is a NSFW chapter!**

**Saeyoung**

"Every day has gone by so fast, and so slowly..."

He lies on his back, in the dingy motel room that will be his home for the next 12 hours or so. Each place he’s stayed on this journey has been carefully selected to avoid detection, though he can’t help but continue to feel a little paranoid.

Directly above his bed flashes a smoke detector. He’s already checked it, just to confirm that's _all_ the device is. Along with the rest of the room.

So far, he’s been lucky. Neither his father or the Agency seem to have caught onto his location, so far. Not that the Agency is necessarily involved. But Saeyoung can’t rule it out…

At least he’s secured things enough that he can call his brother.

"I miss you, but I don't wish you were here, exactly..." Saeyoung adds, glancing to his side, at the musty curtains filtering yellow sunlight through to the room. "It smells mouldy, and I've seen so many cockroaches. You'd hate it. If we came to this country, I'd take you somewhere much nicer."

But...

"…that's a lie."

His voice cracks.

"Even though it's gross... Even though it smells... and there's bugs..."

His arm reaches out to the place where Saeran would be, if he were sharing this bed. Fingers sinking into the pillow he has laid alongside himself. A small measure of comfort.

"I still want you here... I've already... I've been lying next the spare pillow, and if I close my eyes for a minute, I can almost image it's your back against mine..."

Still, it’s a poor substitute.

"How... how are you doing?"

**Saeran**

Not much better.

Without Saeyoung there, the bunker is more of a prison than a home. Dark and isolating. It leaves Saeran hollow inside.

Where possible, he’s used work to keep himself distracted. Driven only by the knowledge that if he does things well and quickly, it'll all be over soon.

Overall, it's unpleasantly familiar in more ways than one.

"I miss you."

An understatement.

Any phone call with Saeyoung is treasured. A small escape. Saeran's one true lifeline.

(Hearing his voice keeps me sane...)

Saeran has stopped everything else he's doing, just to listen to it. Has stayed up late, just to answer the phone. Though a call was never guaranteed.

"I miss you so much, I can't sleep..."

Though, the nature of his work contributed to that, too. And the nightmares, which haven’t stopped since the day their father returned to their lives. Mostly, though… Saeran had never truly been able to feel comfortable without his twin beside him in bed.... Saeyoung isn’t the only one suffering next to an empty space.

Though...

"If I close my eyes and focus, sometimes I think I can feel your heartbeat next to mine."

...

A sigh.

"Maybe it's because I've been rolling around in your bed. It still smells like you."

He definitely has it easier than Saeyoung in that respect. At least Saeran is somewhere clean, with physical reminders of his twin close by.

"Otherwise, things are fine. It sounds like you have it worse... But I'd still be there in a second if I could."

No matter how gross.

If Saeyoung's words were this sweet, just imagine what it'd be like if he were really there...

But that's impossible.

Saeyoung is left alone in a gross room imagining a pillow is Saeran.

(My heart hurts...)

"Don't..." he starts in an attempt to alleviate their situation, "ah, don't rely on that pillow too much. It probably has bugs too."

Now that really would be tragic.

**Saeyoung**

"Haha..." Saeyoung has himself practically wrapped around the phone, his brother's voice more warming than a pillow at his back could ever be.

"I'll keep that in mind... that sounds unpleasant..."

The conversation moves on to small things about their days – anything but the darker subject of why they have to be apart, much as it hangs over their heads.

It’s a little like how they were as children. Saeyoung venturing out, telling Saeran what he’d seen. Smells, tastes, sights, sounds…

"On the way to the motel, there was a wildcat the colour of custard... I took a photo to show you when I get back..."

**Saeran**

It's fun getting to listen to what else Saeyoung was up to, Saeran listening with rapt attention. It might not be much, but the small details make every part of it vivid. That Saeyoung thought to tell him about each little thing is a reminder of how much Saeran is loved.

"A cat, huh."

Figured that's what would catch his twin's eye, no matter what kind.

Saeran wants to see it too...

But he had a cat of his own to report.

"I got to spend some time with Elizabeth 3rd. She thought I was you at first and avoided me, haha..."

It's not actually funny.

Saeyoung needed to stop annoying cats, even if Saeran knew he wouldn't actually hurt an animal.

"I think it’s because I've been wearing one of your hoodies sometimes."

Most of the time, if he was being honest.

It was comforting. He's wearing it even now.

"I made MC and Jaehee doubletake too."

Theoretically, showing up as 'Luciel' was safer than showing up as himself anyway. Luciel was a well-known entity and it wasn't suspicious or out of place for him to be there.

It also meant that someone might be looking for Saeran overseas, not Saeyoung.

But that was an excuse.

There were far better ways to protect Saeyoung from here than dressing up in his clothes.

"MC even took a photo of me too."

**Saeyoung**

"O...oh... I wanna see that..."

He wants to see that... _a lot_...

Saeran in his hoodie...

His heart skips a beat. They've swapped clothes, before, sure, but seeing his twin in _that_ specifically… the hoodie he practically lived in half the time…

His tone shifts, just a little. "Uhm... or maybe you could do it when I get back, too... maybe _just_ the hoodie..."

**Saeran**

Whatever reaction Saeran was expecting, it certainly wasn't that.

(But… it makes sense.)

It was an intimate thing, wrapping his brother’s scent around himself. It made Saeran feel closer to Saeyoung, and a little braver, too. Like masquerading as ‘Luciel’ gave him some additional, invisible shield.

With Saeyoung as alone as he is... Knowing Saeran was wearing one of his key items...

Yeah.

Saeran would get worked up too.

Their distance was enough to torment his libido as it was, now used to their pattern of regular sex.

"You're such a perv, hyung…" Saeran teases, voice dipping lower. Just as much of a tone shift. He plays with the hoodie zipper, focusing on how his brother's breath changes as he talks.

"Is this the part where I ask what _you’re_ wearing?"

Saeran has had to sift through enough seedy online chats to know the standard pattern for this kind of thing. He's about to continue - A/S/L? - when there's a sudden unwelcome presence in the room with him.

All Saeyoung hears is a yelp and sudden clatter of the phone hitting the floor.

**Saeyoung**

"Saeran? Saeran!"

It's useless, but he shouts into the phone anyway.

(No. They couldn't have. There's no way they could have found him or gotten inside without any warning at all...)

But then???

"Are you okay?! I'll come back...! I'll leave now-!"

**Saeran**

Saeran picks up the phone, a little breathless and awkward. Moreso at Saeyoung's declarations, as appreciated as they are.

"It was a cockroach..."

So. Terrible. An awful intruder. But not life threatening.

"But if you still want to come over, feel free."

**Saeyoung**

"Haaaah... god, you scared me..."

Saeyoung takes a second, the thump-thump-thump in his chest gradually slowing.

"Ahhhh... I'm glad it was just that..."

Another second.

"I want to... I want to be with you now so much..."

Both his longing and his lust mixing together, along with the adrenaline.

"I'm just jumping at the smallest excuse... any reason to run back to you..."

His voice is soft.

"I miss touching you... I miss kissing you... Saeran... at least I can look at your photo... listen to you..."

**Saeran**

He settles back into the pillows of the bed. Imagining Saeyoung thinking of him... looking at photos of him...

Once he'd been convinced that Saeyoung barely thought of him at all.

"At least we have that," Saeran agrees.

Years ago, he would've given anything to speak to Saeyoung like this. To have photos of him, no matter the subject matter. His voice matches Saeyoung's softness, as if it'll preserve this moment longer.

"It's not as good as you being here, but... I'll take it. I need to listen to you for as long as I can... until you do return. Otherwise I might not survive this."

**Saeyoung**

"Saeran... I'll talk to you as long as I can... I'll talk to you all day..." he recalls the time difference, "...night..."

He shuffles back to rest against against the wall behind the bed, staring at the reflection of himself in the mirror on the opposite wall.

(Not the same...)

Nothing like his brother really being there.

"Can you..."

Back then, when all he'd had was a floppy disk and a book of fairy tales... he'd still...

"...can you still feel my heart beating, now? I've been listening... I've been listening so hard for yours..."

**Saeran**

Saeran closes his eyes, pressing a hand over his chest.

Maybe...

Thump.

Thump.

Thump-thump.

"Yes..." he whispers, not wanting to drown it out with his own voice.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung keeps his voice low too.

He mirrors his twin without realising it, hand over his heart.

Then he touches his own cheek with his other hand, closing his eyes. Wishing he could send at least one other gentle gesture to his twin, along with the sound of his heart.

"I'm stroking your cheek right now..." he murmurs. "Letting my fingers caress from your face to your neck... can you feel it…? I’m picturing it as hard as I can…"

**Saeran**

"Ah..."

Saeran's breath catches, like it's really happening. There's a faint ghost of a tingle across his cheek, but it might be only the power of suggestion.

(I'll take it.)

Turning the phone on speaker, Saeran places it by his head. Freeing his hands. This way Saeyoung could hear each movement he takes too...

Win-win.

"I want to lean into you," he murmurs back, wrapping his arms around himself. "Hold you close ‘til there's no space between us."

**Saeyoung**

"Your hands..."

Just as desperate for touch himself, Saeyoung isn't sure if it's wishful thinking or something else, but... he imagines holding Saeran, and...

He takes his phone from his cheek. Switching to speakerphone, too.

"I can feel them... and if I concentrate hard..."

The dusty, damp smells fade into the background, just a little.

He tries to remember Saeran's exact smell...

"I should have brought your jacket with me," he says, not joking even a little. "If I concentrate, I can remember your smell... and... how it feels to press my lips against your skin just behind your ear... your shampoo... the way you lean into me when I do it..."

His lips almost feel it, his tongue, almost...

**Saeran**

"More." Saeran begs suddenly, desperation seizing him. His body remembering the feeling and making him ache, "I need you to kiss me more..."

This softness is not enough.

"I still have marks on my skin, from the last time we were together..."

Moving his hand, Saeran presses one gently. It throbs, but not nearly as much as it used to.

"You need to mark me again before it fades away, okay? I'll do the same for you."

They can be mirrors, each leaving a reminder of their need on each other's body.

**Saeyoung**

"Yes..." Saeyoung breathes, remembering how they looked, how it felt to make them. "I'll make more... in just a few more days... maybe this time I should leave some on your thighs, too... then every time I stroke them, you'll feel it... how much I crave you..."

Saeran hadn't been as rough, though there was one place on his neck still a little tender...

Saeyoung runs a finger against it, and for a second he can _feel_ it all over again. His younger brother's teeth… his tongue...

"Next time, don’t hold anything back, okay? I want your touches to… god, I wish we really had broken the skin, now. It'd last so much longer... no, not longer… I want it to be permanent.”

He touches the earring in his ear, a mark that will never leave, so long as he wears it.

"I do have one place on my body permanently, visibly marked as yours, of course... I'm glad..."

Still not enough. He still wants more.

"Are you wearing the hoodie now? Can you smell me wrapped around you? Can you feel it...? I'll run my hands all over your body... follow them with my mouth..."

It's so tempting to hold the pillow, but instead he holds himself, imagining his brother's skin, how he could cause goosebumps if he grazed his teeth over it _just_ so...

**Saeran**

(What are we doing...?)

Not that he wants to stop.  

He _can’t_ stop. Hands moving along his body now as if Saeyoung was puppeteering him from afar. Making Saeran touch himself in the way he wished he could.

"Haah..." he sighs, breathless, and pinching at his thighs. It's almost like Saeyoung was nipping at them... Almost. It's not quite the same, and wearing pants still doesn't help. His neck really is the best place to touch. He’s kept the choker from Saeyoung on continuously, since Saeyoung left. Covering it up with a shirt for work at C&R.

But always keeping the reminder on him.

"I'm wearing it." Saeran confirms. "I'm wearing other clothes too... I can take them off, for you. Maybe then I'd feel your presence better, Saeyoung..."

(Tell me how you want me to strip for you.)

"I wonder, can you feel mine? I've been wanting to run my fingers through your hair, until you're purring..."

Saeran's voice takes on the airy yet deep quality it defaults to when he’s feeling passionate.

"Then I'd lean in and start kissing along your jaw... Up to your ear. I'd suck on your lobe and run my tongue along your piercing... Haha, it's a little symbolic, don't you think?"

**Saeyoung**

It aches. It _aches._

Saeran's touch... his mouth... the way he strokes Saeyoung's hair...

There’s nothing like his brother's voice, especially when it teases and promises things like this. An aspect of his twin he can't live without any more, along with everything else about Saeran he finds precious. Irreplaceable.

"Yes..." he agrees, "it's part of the magic, isn't it? You're with me, always, through your heartbeat and through this..." He touches the earring again, imagining his brother's tongue teasing at the piercing. A cantrip to protect and heal until they can reunite.

"I want to slide my hands up under your shirt to your waist, stroke along that line of your hips... I'll press my leg between your thighs... ugh... Saeran, I miss the feeling of yours between mine... you're meant to fit with me... I'm meant to hold you..."

It's cruel how little time they've been able to enjoy each other this way. (I don't want to ever be this far apart from you again).

"I want you... Saeran... I can feel you against me, I can imagine your touch..." His voice grows rougher. "I'll drag my nails up your sides until I feel you writhe against me... pushing your shirt up to your nipples so I can press on and tease one with my teeth."

**Saeran**

Taking the hint, Saeran slides a hand up his shirt to his nipples, letting his nails drag over them. His other arm has been trapped between his thighs, a poor approximation of Saeyoung's leg... But gives just enough friction to Saeran's stiffening dick to feel good yet torturous.

Amazing to think he can feel this way, when before getting himself off had felt more perfunctory.

(It really is magic.)

Somewhere out there, his brother was doing this to him.

"Saeyoung... Saeyoung, I want more..."

Saeran's own voice has turned noticeably erratic, each breath practically a gasp. Perhaps more obvious, as they can only hear each other's voice.

But he needs to keep talking.

(Maybe... If I...?)

"You've made me so hard," he whispers, feeling the way his cock throbs, "And... and now I've got marks up my torso from touching myself, for you... and my nipples are turning all puffy and pink..."

It's embarrassing to describe himself this way, to an unseen lover. Saeran's face burns.

(I need to tell him how he's affecting me, that's all.)

**Saeyoung**

"S-saeran... hearing you say that..."

His entire body tingles with lust, cock stiffening against the bed as he lies half on his side, one knee raised, imagining it pressed up against his twin's rigid dick...

"God... Saeran, your breathing, your words... you're making my cock ache to be inside you... I want to press my mouth against those pink nipples of yours and suck so hard you cry out... I'll take your cock in my hands and use your wetness to lubricate myself... god, I'm dripping pre-cum all over these sheets..."

Not like this motel room hasn’t seen worse, he's sure.

"I'm drooling just thinking about it, Saeran... your body is so lewd, so sexy, I want all of it, I want to fill it with me so there no room for anything else... I'll stroke your dick until you're so hard it almost hurts..."

**Saeran**

Even as his lust builds, Saeran feels relief that it wasn't too awkward to say all that. Quite the opposite, from the sounds of it.

But this time, he doesn't touch himself like Saeyoung describes. Not yet.

"I need..." He chokes, dragging his hands away from his body in agony. "Wait... Let me get lube... And... something to…"

Rolling off the bed, Saeran takes the chance to remove his clothing too - cock springing free from its confines when he does, standing tall. His underwear stained dark already with the precum seeping from the head of his cock.

**Saeyoung**

"Something to fuck yourself with?” Saeyoung teases, voice almost a growl, horny and frustrated he can’t answer his brother’s need directly. “You should get the yellow dildo out of my toy box… it’s mine…”

Possibly more clarification is needed.

"Uh, that is, it's moulded from me... I... ordered it a while back..."

He’d somehow avoided thinking too hard about it then, but he has no doubt in his mind now, that – “I think part of me back then felt like it was the closest I could get to experiencing what it’d be like to do it with you.”

As he talks, he gets his own fly undone. He wants to feel it, when his brother is penetrated by… by him.

**Saeran**

It's a lot to take in...

Well, not literally. Saeyoung's penis was pretty much the right size to stimulate him the way he likes.

And for now, it's the exact answer to his needs. "It's perfect," he announces to the phone, after digging it out of the box. "Now I can use it to be fucked by you, right? It's like we're coming full circle."

(We'll definitely be coming either way.)

...

Seriously. He's got sex on the brain. Better just to accept it.

"...It really does look like your cock."

Bumps and veins and all. Tempted by it, Saeran gives the head a lick... Huh.

Without cum or skin...

"It doesn't taste the same, but the texture and feeling's pretty close."

It'll do.

Then there's the lube, which is just as easy to find, alongside some of Saeyoung's forgotten erotic fiction. Saeran snorts when he sees it. "Ah, remember how I found that book in your room? You behaved so funny when I read from it. Maybe I should read these to you later... like how you used to read me fairy tales."

Crawling back onto the bed, the creaking pronounced, Saeran adjusts into a comfortable position.

"So… are you ready? Tell me… what you want to do."

**Saeyoung**

"Mm, I’m ready..." Saeyoung replies. The LED on the fire detector continues to blink steadily, and as he glances up at it, he can pretend, momentarily, that it is, instead, a camera. A visual link between them. That if he tilts his hips up a little more, his brother will have the perfect view…

His cock glistens wetly in the half-light streaming through the curtains. Protruding stiffly from the opening in his pants, rock hard at the thought of his brother seeing him this way.

He spits into his hand to then mix it with the pre-cum already dribbling down his cock, and. Well. It'll do. It'll be enough...

"I'm already touching myself, thinking about your body... and about you fingering yourself, with my dick in your other hand... and I'll take yours in mine... Saeran… I’ll wrap my fingers around your cock and stroke you, tease at your head with my fingertips..."

**Saeran**

It's exactly what Saeran wants to hear.

Coating his fingers in lube, Saeran grunts slightly as he prepares himself. His other hand grasping his dick, stroking it slowly the way Saeyoung would.

"Ah... yes... me too. You always, are so considerate..." As he gets accustomed, his pace speeds up - unable to help himself. The wet snack of friction between fluid and skin gets more and more audible, until, abruptly, it stops.

Saeran takes a deep breath, and is sure to coat the dildo liberally, no matter how shaky his hands are.

"I can't wait... it’s too much, Saeyoung. I want you now..."

**Saeyoung**

Listening to Saeran do that…

(You want me…)

He’ll never, never get tired of that.

“Saeran, then… I’m going to fuck you…”

Now he rolls onto his front, face turned towards the phone so he can hear everything... and so Saeran can hear.

Hips raised so he can still touch himself, imagining his twin beneath him on the blankets, the sound of his own stroking ever more apparent as he groans with it.

"I can’t keep my hands of you, Saeran... I’m… I’m above you, I can’t stand not being one with you… I’m going to have you now, I’m going to push my cock deep inside and f… ah, I’m going to fuck you until you-" he gasps, slowing his pace, too aroused, too hard, too ready to feel himself deep inside his younger brother.

He continues. Shakily. "Until I feel you shudder in my hand and pump your cum through my fingers and onto your own body. Okay?"

**Saeran**

Saeran shudders, the force of Saeyoung's words powerful enough to feel.

"Mm-hm…" is all he manages to get out, struggling to stop himself from going too fast, too soon.

Raising his hips, Saeran pushes the dildo in inch by inch. Moaning as he does, not holding anything back. Happy to give Saeyoung something to listen to. "Ah... haah, you’re inside me at last, hyung..."

He doesn't stop until it's buried deep, inner walls flexing around the dildo like it was a missing puzzle piece, filling Saeran up completely.

Precum drips down his cock to puddle at his hand. "I could come... Just from having you in me," Saeran groans, starting to thrust the dildo shallowly, body and bed moving with it.

"My cock's already leaking so much. Wanna feel like this forever..."

While part of him longs for that to be true, to have Saeyoung really there... at the same time, he didn’t know just how _good_ it felt to do something like this… to make Saeyoung listen to him like this…

"God... Saeyoung, I... If you asked, I'd do so much more than this..." he confesses, ready to do whatever it takes to bring them closer together.

To bring Saeyoung home.

**Saeyoung**

"I love hearing my name on your lips... especially mixed in with all those other noises you’re making..." Saeyoung croons, his knees pressing hard into the bed, raising himself on one arm so he can put the phone directly on top of the pillow against the wall.

Now it really does sound like Saeran’s saying those words directly underneath him. His beautiful face right beneath Saeyoung’s…

"Aah-aa..." he chokes, letting go of himself entirely, already too close with the thoughts in his head and the sounds from the phone and the feel, still, of his twin's rapid heartbeat.

He breathes, listening to Saeran, listening to that heartbeat...

"Feels like you _want_ to do more, my love..." Saeyoung grins, allowing himself a moment to tease while he waits to be safe to touch himself again without losing it immediately. "I love that, too... I love your passion... how you are willing to explore it with me..."

There's no one in the world who could be open with Saeyoung in quite the way his brother can. Or have that openness be so meaningful.

"But you know what I want...? What I want to hear, while you fuck yourself with a copy of my dick, saying my name so sweetly, touching yourself the way I'd touch you...?"

His voice until this point has been salacious, teasing, revelling in his twin's debauched actions, but, he changes gears without warning, voice softening: "I wanna hear you say... 'I love you, Saeyoung...'" he whispers, and as lustful as he is, something about asking for _that,_ needing _that,_ wanting that reassurance...

His heart aches.

**Saeran**

Saeran's heart aches too, despite their distance.

"Oh... I can feel..."

For a moment, it's a real glimmer of their unusual connection. It might be sad, but knowing it’s still there sends a wave of warmth through Saeran unrelated to the sex.

"I love you." The words are raw and honest, born more from the moment than Saeyoung's request. He would've said them anyway after a feeling like that.

"I love you, Saeyoung..."

But just because the moment is soft, doesn't mean Saeran is. His mind replays what else Saeyoung said, in the exact moment he thrusts the cock into his anus deeply, drawing out a long moan.

**Saeyoung**

(Fuck...!)

The shared moment of heartache warmed him, but then, this-

"You’re... really doing it… I can almost feel it…!"

That moan, appearing so shortly after such sweet words...

"You're such a pervert... you're beautiful... so sweet... so dirty..." Saeyoung revels, touching himself again, replaying that sound over and over in his head.

"It's so difficult being away from you... god, I'm not gonna let go of you for hours when I'm home... make you make those sounds directly in my ear... say those things..."

His breaths grow shallow, his movements causing the phone to slip off the pillow onto the bed below, which might be for the best because he needs...

He presses his forehead against the pillow, still on his knees, pushing into his own hand, so desperate to feel Saeran, _really_ feel him.

"I'm not gonna last with sounds like that coming out of your mouth," he groans, "you're so lewd Saeran, I can't wait to come inside you for real, feel you cling to me and pant against me, taste your sweat on my tongue...!"

**Saeran**

"Uh... nnh..."

Saeran's response is garbled, focused on thrusting the dildo in deeper and faster, running it right up against his sweetest spot. His other hand palms at his cock, but, honestly, he doesn't think he needs it in order to reach a climax at this point. "Saeyoung...!" He keens, as he reaches that very edge, pressing the cock in as far as it can go, seeing his brother leaning over him as he does - sweaty and balls deep and beautiful.

The phone mic must be really good, because it picks up on the splatter of cum hitting Saeran's skin, the orgasm clearly intense.

"I'm... ah, I'm so covered in..." Saeran observes, a little weakly, still shaking and feeling the force of it. Doing his best to describe what just happened. Too far gone to feel shame.

**Saeyoung**

"Aa-h...! Saeran... Saeran, I'm-!"

He never knew just how filthy his twin could sound. Maybe it's something about hearing every breath, moan, word and slick wet sound through the speakers that makes it sound so intensely pornographic, making Saeyoung not just a participant, but a voyeur as well, listening in as his twin fucks himself for both their pleasure.

Saeran in person was enough of a turn-on for him, but the added neediness of their distance, his inability to have what he wants, and the isolated, smutty sounds makes Saeyoung come, and come hard.

And like Saeran, just for a moment, the briefest moment, it almost feels like his twin is there under him, around him, taking his dick right up to the -

Unlike Saeran, he tries to keep as much of it in his hands as he can, not wanting to have to go ask for a change of sheets, though the volume is enough that he winds up dripping it between his fingers anyway.

"Saeran... you... I love you so much, and - don't go anywhere, I just need a second."

He quickly washes off his hands so he can switch back to pressing the phone against his ear, so his brother's voice can be as close to him as possible.

"I'm back... god, you're so sexy... you were able to make me feel so good with just your voice..."

**Saeran**

Saeran takes the moment Saeyoung cleans up to rest, more exhausted than he thought possible.

Who knew fucking yourself could be such an effort?

Unfortunately, being messy isn't as fun alone as it is with a partner. Saeran more aware of it when there's no warm body there to distract him... to hold close and murmur sweet nothings to...

He feels a bit empty. Trying to focus on anything else, Saeran opts to clean himself up. Reaching for where the tissues are usually kept: the bedside table.

He finishes just as Saeyoung picks up again. The sweetness of his voice is a remedy for the hollowness that had started to settle in.

"I love you, Saeyoung." He repeats, meaning it every time, "I'm glad I got to feel close to you this way... You sounded amazing too, you know. You really know how to _say_ things." Saeran has mentioned his admiration for the trait before, but it's worth mentioning again. He's amazed he could even match it with how awkward he'd been himself.

And he's still not had enough of it.

"I want to keep talking... about anything, as long as I can listen to you." The loneliness seeps into Saeran's voice then, unavoidable considering the situation they're in.

Eventually they'll have to hang up. Not talk to each other for days. Even having such a long phone call was risky, but...

It's one Saeran is willing to take.

**Saeyoung**

"I want to, too..." Saeyoung responds softly, "I'll talk with you until you fall asleep, if you want..."

It’s likely this will be their last phone call for a couple days. The next stage of Saeyoung’s journey will make it too difficult. He’s in no rush to hang up. "We used to talk each other to sleep all the time, right? I wound up talking to myself when we were separated. I'm glad this time I don't have to."

He dabs at the few damp spots on the bed with a hand towel.

"So many stories and songs... we should make something like that together one day. Maybe a game? That might be fun..."

**Saeran**

"I’d been thinking about that too," Saeran confesses. Something like an escape room game, or a dating sim... Or both. Just for fun. Reclaiming the skills he was forced to learn. Using his experiences to build something good.

"I have some ideas...ah, hold on." Being naked and still full of a fake cock isn't the most comfortable.

Saeran sighs, gently pulling the dildo out and wrapping it in tissues to clean properly later. Then he grabs Saeyoung's hoodie, giving himself at least one protective layer besides the blankets. "I put your hoodie back on. It's going to smell like me by the time you get back," he adds, having recovered enough to tease.

**Saeyoung**

"It'll smell like both of us, maybe," Saeyoung smiles. "I like that thought."

Having cleaned up as best he can, he leans back against the pillow, staring back up at the ceiling. Where he’d pretended there was a camera…

"I guess I'll just have to rub my face over everything when I get back, so that the house knows it's still mine, too,"  he adds, grinning. "Actually, scratch that, I'll be too busy rubbing my face on you. Let the house go wild, Saeran-ah. Let the violets take over. I'll come back to find you sleeping in a fully grown willow you've managed to cultivate in the loungeroom."

**Saeran**

Saeran could argue that would be impossible, but instead he just laughs at the thought. A clear, happy sound.

"I was thinking we should abandon this place once you get back anyway... The Agency aside, there was that cockroach earlier. We might as well let nature reclaim it." Saeran's only half serious. Moving would require a lot of effort, particularly due to their security requirements.

Even if he dared to think they'll beat both their father and the Agency... It'd be a good idea to lie low for a while, just in case.

Still, it's fun to dream.

**Saeyoung**

"Well, I wasn't joking when I talked about getting you somewhere you could garden~" Saeyoung responds cheerily, stretching out long on the bed, phone pressed against his ear. "Although maybe we should spend some time trying a few places out before we work out what's best for us." It feels a little like a mood-killer to bring it up, but - "The Agency will only come after me if there's money in it for them, and once we finish this mission together, there won't be anyone possibly interested in paying them... so, we might find we can live with fewer precautions..."

Still, though. He has to be realistic.

"...I'm always going to be more cautious than we need to be, though. So that we can relax properly, wherever we are."

Relaxing with Saeran...

"I wanna float with you in a pool... once you can swim..."

Cold water underneath them...

"...warm sun on our faces, looking up at the clouds... watching birds fly overhead... I'll hold your hand under the water..."

**Saeran**

Despite Saeyoung's attempt at realism, he's fantasizing about having a pool.

"Talk about extravagant." Saeran muses, though he enjoys the idea himself, "I'd be happy just going to the sea with one of those floating devices, though."

Not to say he doesn't want to learn to swim...

**Saeyoung**

"We can always borrow Jumin's pool, you know? He uses it literally once a year."

He knows. He's seen the maintenance reports.

"But the sea is more fun for sure... plus, we might see some animals... maybe even dolphins? Whales?"

He's never had the pleasure in any of his journeys so far. "There are places you can even volunteer! You can do whale-watching, and it helps out with conservation efforts, too!"

Maybe the RFA could even get involved. It’d be a fun theme for a party, too…

**Saeran**

"Wow! That'd be really awesome."

There is absolutely no sarcasm in Saeran's voice. He's keen.

If it's volunteer work though...

"Oh, but... Shouldn't we do something more meaningful than just watch whales if we're trying to help people?"

'Helping' has been an intrinsic part of Saeran's life. For once, he'd like to get it right. As cool as whale watching would be.

(On the other hand, I should be doing more things for myself. I should decide what I want to do... What makes me happy.)

**Saeyoung**

"Well, it depends on your priorities~" Saeyoung replies, flexing each toe individually, then starting on his fingers. "All the good causes in the world need _someone_ for each role. We can't all simultaneously be the President of PATS, no matter how many people want to be..."

This example went from being philosophical to a personal grievance rapidly, from the sound of things.

But, Saeyoung's voice stays warm. "I believe we all have multiple paths we could follow that will make us happy."

**Saeran**

"As long as I can be on that path with you... I'll be happy with mostly anything." Saeran admits, tactfully ignoring the clear grudge Saeyoung was holding regarding PATS.

"After all, my priority is you."

There's no shame in admitting it.

**Saeyoung**

"You're gonna make me want to try hugging that pillow again," Saeyoung chuckles, softly.

"You know I feel the same way, but I'll say it too: I want to be with you, Saeran. That's how I find my happiness. Everything else follows on after that."

**Saeran**

(My cheeks hurt from smiling so much.)

Ah...

Saeran can understand his brother's need to hug the pillow very well.

(I really wish I was with him.)

At the same time, it makes him want to cry.

"You're making me miss you more," he replies, voice a little choked up.

**Saeyoung**

(Why can't I be with him right now, so stroke his hair and hold him close? Why, from the start, were so many obstacles placed before us?)

He’d asked as much at church, more than once.

It'd been difficult for them both not to just think of themselves as Bad Children. Suffering justified, because they were naughty.

(But bad things happen to good people all the time. And good things happen to bad people.)

Though, he knows, the reality is, there aren't good or bad people. And people can change... in both directions.

 (Will this trip _really_ make the world safer for us? Is making Saeran… sound like this... _really_ worth it?)

…it has to be.

He can't doubt now.

He's already committed.

All he can do is tell Saeran how he feels. "I wish I could hold you right now..." he starts, his yearning clear in his voice. "I want to feel your head resting on my shoulder... I want to stroke your hair..."

His free hand goes to his heart again, listening. Connected.

"When I'm holding you, there's nothing I can think of in the entire world that I could possibly want. Everything is already in my arms... I..."

(I'm going to make myself cry, if I'm not careful.)

His voice is small. "We're halfway there. A few days more..."

**Saeran**

Not for the first time, Saeran thinks that life is unfair.

(I knew that already.)

Yet a few tears escape anyway.

"... Promise?" he asks, hating himself as he does.

Stupid. Airhead. You're only going to get hurt if you expect anything.

Good or bad, what will happen will happen. Hoping they had a chance at all for a happy ending was enough for Saeran.

**Saeyoung**

"I'll do my best."

('I'll do my best?' What kind of comfort is THAT?)

He hates himself.

He hates himself _so much_.

Why can't he...

He can _feel_ Saeran's heart sinking at that lacklustre assurance.

(You're going to succeed. You already decided. It's the only option.)

"Wait. I'm sorry, I... I promise. I do. I won't fail. The only option is to come home to you. I wouldn't have left if I..."

He draws a shaky breath. "You've helped me so much... I can do this mission safely, because of your hard work. I wish I wouldn't have to drop out of contact for the next couple days, but... I'll be back. It won't be..."

(It won't be like last time...)

The dusty yellow light pouring through the dingy motel curtains make him feel sick.

"I'll be by your side again in less than a week."

**Saeran**

Saeran doesn't entirely believe it. No, he _can’t_ believe it, though his heart screams to trust his brother. His mind cruelly reminds him of what happened before.

"Okay." He responds. Short. Dull.

In the back of his mind, there's a whisper... (He's right, you have his back. Work hard and prove yourself and you can be happy.)

It sounds optimistic, but Saeran is familiar with the darkness behind those words.

If he fails, he's worth nothing at all and deserves misery.

(Stop stop stop stop)

Stop.

If you can't believe in yourself, then

...

"I believe in you. I know you won't give up easily."

**Saeyoung**

The mood is a little uncomfortable, so they continue talking a while longer, to smooth out the bumps as best they can.

Saeran clearly fighting off sleep as the minutes progress. But Saeyoung doesn't tell him to hang up... talking as long as he can, waiting for Saeran to slowly grow sleepier and sleepier… speaking in soothing, almost musical words.

Until eventually, he hears nothing but his brother’s soft breaths. Saeyoung ends the call, letting the phone fall to his side once they’re disconnected. Pulling his knees up to his chest, and wrapping his arms around them.

It's then that Saeyoung lets himself cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter, Saeyoung meets V again, for the first time in years. And things don't quite go to plan.


	3. Sins of the fathers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeyoung meets V to collect the evidence on his father, and then everything goes very, very wrong.

It’s strange, that places like this still exist.

Stranger too, that V would choose this location for himself.

Saeyoung inhales deeply, and tries not to get sand up his nose.

(I guess maybe a desert might be appealing, to someone so obsessed with the sun?)

Though he suspects there’s much more to it than that. There are plenty of other places V could have chosen, drenched in light and heat.

Still, he hasn’t come here to learn of V’s motivations. All he wants is for an end to his father. And who better to give that to him, than the man who had been his father figure for so many years?

Both fathers had betrayed Saeyoung. One had just been more direct about it than the other.

He’s greeted at the monastery by a man in loose, white robes, and something about them reminds Saeyoung uncomfortably of what he’d seen at Mint Eye. Though Jumin had described this group as a benevolent, isolationist religious order, Saeyoung wonders, not for the first time, exactly how far exactly that was from “cult”.

Saeyoung had a third father figure in his life, after all. One who had sent his own ‘saviour’ onto earth. He was a Father who asked for obedience in return for intangible reward.

Perhaps it was inevitable, that all his fathers would betray him.

There are few words exchanged at the door. Saeyoung can communicate well enough to get his intentions across, though the dialect spoken here is very different to the ones he’s encountered in the rest of this arid country. He’s left to wait in a while in when feels like a dining hall, and while he’s staring up at the high ceilings, a different member of the monastery brings him something to drink.

It’s cold, and faintly fruity. Maybe a hint of pineapple? Saeyoung has long since drained it by the time the man who greeted him returns, to lead him to V’s room.

"A man with red hair... my teacher tells me..." V says by way of greeting, as Saeyoung steps through the doorway. His guide gives him a small nod, and heads back down the corridor, leaving the two of them alone.

V continues. "Is it Luciel, or...?"

"Your sight's completely gone, then." Saeyoung's voice is flat.

"Luciel..."

V stands, and closes the distance between them with far more ease than Saeyoung would have expected. Though he supposes V has had some time, now, to adjust to his new surroundings, and the new ways he must navigate them.

"Luciel..." V repeats, placing his hands on Saeyoung's shoulders, his eyes growing watery. Here, he doesn’t seem to feel the need to hide his eyes, as he did after Rika had left…

It’s an odd feeling, looking up at them now. Somehow, they feel more truthful that they’ve ever been before.

Saeyoung can’t empathise with Rika. Can’t ever forgive how she manipulated and injured his twin. But looking at how honest V’s eyes appear now, he can’t help but, just for a moment, wonder if this was what Rika had truly been digging for when she lashed out at her lover.

An end to all pretence.

 "Hearing your voice again... I can’t express how happy I am… Luciel. No. No, Saeyoung _. Saeyoung._ ”

Now the tears run freely down V’s cheeks, though his voice is steady and clear.

The anger Saeyoung felt, on learning how his brother had been neglected, will never completely go away. But looking at V now, hearing him now... his feelings aren’t things he can name easily.

“V… you sound the same.”

Is his eventual, soft answer.

Part of him still longs for at least one father he can rely on.

V releases his hold on Saeyoung, gesturing in the direction of a small table with a few chairs around it. Recently, it seems, someone has laid out a plate of olives, bread and cheese.

“Are you hungry? I asked for them to bring something up for you… please, if you have a few moments, sit with me. Recover your energy. Coming here so early in the morning… I hope you weren’t travelling all night.”

“It’s cooler at night,” Saeyoung replies, though he moves over to the table. But he continues to stand, resting against the back of one of the chairs. V takes a chair himself, smoothly. (Maybe he still has a little sight?)

Though if someone wanted to focus on training their senses, an isolated monastery seems like an ideal place to do it.

“How is Jumin? Yoosung? Ah, I shouldn’t ask, should I? It’s only fair, when I’ve hidden myself away like this, too…”

"Jumin and MC are married, now." Saeyoung can offer him that, at least.

At this, V smiles. "Haha... oh, that's good. That's wonderful news. I knew he wouldn't draw out his engagement. And the others are doing well? Is Yoosung…?"

Saeyoung offers a few additional comments, that part of him that still wants the love of at least _one_ parent moved enough to converse a little.

Besides. This was the end of his journey, and the first of several flights to take him home wouldn’t begin before tomorrow. He has time.

At least, he thinks he does.

He finds himself asking a few questions, too. He still remembers how Jumin had looked, speaking of his closest friend. He had MC, and the RFA, and his own father, however complicated that relationship was. But Saeyoung recognised that look. Underneath all Jumin’s calm words.

A grief for something not-dead, but gone all the same.

Jumin has helped both Saeyoung and his brother so much already. Continues to help them.

The least Saeyoung can do, is ask a few questions on his behalf. So he does. And V answers them all easily – so different to how he had been before. Though Saeyoung’s last question gives him pause:

“Do you plan on living out the rest of your days like this?”

V breathes in deeply, as if looking for an answer in the salty smell of the olives and the dry heat of the air around them.

“It’s… been two years, or so, hasn’t it?” There’s another pause, and for a moment Saeyoung wonders if this is the one question V will evade, like so many he evaded in the past.

But V continues. “I’ve been studying hard, here. I was always too focused on appearance, Saeyoung. Even in my photos, when I was trying to pursue the essence of things… I still fell short. But, here… I’ve found ways to change myself. I’m not quite done changing, yet, but I will be, one day. That day… might not be so far away…”

“Will you come back?”

Saeyoung hates himself for asking it, even as he does. V coming back would be confronting for Saeran, to say the least.

“Perhaps… I don’t know, yet. Though, I would like to meet with everyone again… please tell them all, if they want to visit, I’ll be happy to greet them here. I can cover the cost if Yoosung or Zen want to come, too…”

“Jumin said you had told him not to come.”

“…I did, didn’t I? Ah, well, two years ago that was for the best. But the man I am now… I think he can face them all more honestly.”

“Even Yoosung?” After all, both he and Zen still didn’t know everything…

V pauses, fingers tracing the shapes in the wood of the table. “…do you think it’s worth opening up his old wounds, Saeyoung?”

“Do you even need to ask?”

“I suppose not,” V responds. “You’ve never had a chance to live honestly even once… of course…”

Saeyoung knows V is talking about his father, the shadow he’s cast over every aspect of his and Saeran’s life from birth. But he can’t help but think of his relationship.

Even if the threat of their father is totally neutralised, will they ever be able to live honestly? Saeyoung doubts it. Though, then again, no one wears their true face all the time.

“That’s why I’m here,” Saeyoung responds, eventually, and now he _does_ take a seat, though he touches none of the food. “Our father’s coming after us again. We need the evidence you collected, before he makes us both vanish for good, this time.”

"Where is Saeran?" comes V’s less-than-calm response, and Saeyoung _does_ have to stop himself from snapping back with something there. Like, 'Funny how I asked you the same thing, only a few years ago That time when you told me he was ‘safe’. Remember that?'

But he doesn't want a fight. He just wants to complete his mission.

“He’s not with me, but he’s in a secure place. Jumin is helping us, too.”

V nods. "Of course. He read the letter I left behind. I'm sorry it came to this, but I’m glad that at least I can be of help, now. I’ll get you the evidence."

All the data is stored on a solid-state hard drive. V carefully moves to his bed, and kneels down, to retrieve a small storage box from underneath it.

Saeyoung’s heart sinks.

"...that box is warped. Cracked open."

V runs his hands over the box. "Oh... oh, you're right..."

And when they retrieve the hard drive. It, too shows clear signs of damage.

Is it the heat? Poor luck? Intentional tampering?

Saeyoung tries it with the laptop he has with him, anyway.

Nothing.

"I came here... I left him behind for nothing..." Saeyoung's voice breaks, and his shoulders hunch over as he squats to the ground, head in his hands. "There was no... why... why couldn't you have left it with Jumin, V? He has every protection he could need!"

"It would have put him at too much risk for having something like that in his possession," V begins to explain, but Saeyoung is having none of it.

"Risk?" He looks up at V from his position on the ground. "A risk you're happy to expose us to, though. A risk our father will... god... Saeran... he's waiting... he's..."

"There's another copy, Luciel. Someone else still has a backup. We can-"

Saeyoung stands again, his despondency replaced with urgency. "Who? Where?"

So V tells him.

///

Saeyoung makes it back to a place he can call his twin, right on time.

(At least... at least that part is still going to plan...)

Days of being unable to speak with Saeran end at last as his twin answers the phone within the first ring.

His excited, relieved voice makes Saeyoung's heart skip, but there's a cold feeling in his stomach.

The news he has to deliver.

"I'm... still coming home, but... it's going to take longer than I thought. I think maybe another week? I'm not sure what route to take exactly yet, what's safe... I'll need your guidance."

He sighs, as the words reach his twin on the other end of the line. Hating himself for having to greet Saeran with news like this.

"V's copy of the info was busted... but, there's a backup. So, I have to go get the backup instead."

**Saeran**

A selfish part of Saeran wants to tell Saeyoung to come home anyway. That he isn't sure he can survive another week apart. That he misses his twin's warmth and constant support.

(Hearing him talk isn't enough.)

Albeit a relief. Proof that Saeyoung hasn't disappeared again, leaving Saeran waiting for a day that might never come.

(I'm not forgotten.)

His worst fears are still just nightmares.

"That's... I understand."

Because he does. This was work. Emotions have no place here.

It's why he let Saeyoung go to V at all.

Saeran almost wants... (How is he doing...?)

Not Saeyoung. V.

It's more than idle curiosity. It's a need for closure.

Saeran isn't sure he wants to know anyway, so he doesn't ask.

"What do you know about the back-up?" he asks instead, calm and almost robotic. Summoning his best Jumin Han impression.

**Saeyoung**

(…at least he's not angry.)

And at least this time he's going somewhere where he won't have to vanish for days at a time. Not isolated the way V was.

He gives Saeran the coordinates and psyches himself up for the last part.

"So..."

He can't hide this from Saeran. It wouldn't be fair.

"It's currently in Rika's possession..."

**Saeran**

"What?" is the first word, immediately followed by, "No."

Saeran might have mixed feelings on V and his involvement in their past, recognizing that he may have been manipulated and mistaken too...

But Rika was a hard pass. Getting involved with her again would only be bad news. Saeran doesn't give his twin a chance to justify it, quickly following up with a far better plan.

"I'll plan you a route home and we'll dig up what dirt we can on him ourselves. You're not going to see her."

What if she hurt Saeyoung this time? No. No chance.

**Saeyoung**

"We don't have time, Saeran. I can get the info from her in days... even with both of us, it could take months... and V confirmed our father has destroyed a lot since V's copies were made... things from even before our birth..."

He grips the phone tightly. "I don't like it either, but... I don't know if Jumin can protect us for months... but, I go see her, and it's over."

**Saeran**

"If you go..." Saeran tries to threaten, but his voice comes out weak and wobbly. Unable to complete the sentence.

This is bad. Very very bad.

At the very least, Saeyoung shouldn't have to face Rika alone...

"I'll go with you. We'll meet up."

It would be the first time Saeran would face Rika since he was abducted from Mint Eye. Seeing her again... It's an intimidating prospect, after he's spent so much time building himself back up again.

But Saeyoung doesn't know her like Saeran does.

**Saeyoung**

"I need you there, Saeran. I don't... you should stay there... At least one of us has to... I can handle Rika."

He's... he's not sounding confident enough. He tries to make his voice firm.

"I'll be back in no time at all."

**Saeran**

Saeran is not impressed. And growing more stressed by the second. Why can't Saeyoung _see?_

"She gets into your head," Saeran mutters. Even without the backing if a powerful cult, she was one very convincing and magnetic woman.

"I know her tricks. I should go." (Let me protect you.)

Covering his twin's back from afar is not enough, when it comes to Rika.

**Saeyoung**

"…I've already redirected the first flight," Saeyoung responds, "so I just need to know the best route after that from you and the team. My passport and cover will be fine for this first leg. I'll be home fastest this way. You don't need to put yourself in any danger."

**Saeran**

He's. So. Wrong.

"You'd be home fastest if _you listened to me_."

There it is. The anger that had be building from frustration and upset. Saeyoung doing the one thing he hated most.

Fine. If that's how it's going to be...

"I'm not going to help you."

Time to change tactics.

"So you have a choice. Come home to me, or don't."

It's risky. Very very risky. But if Saeyoung was going to try to be a martyr for his sake, then Saeran wasn't having any of it.

Seriously, he met up with V for the first time in years and now this?

**Saeyoung**

No, not now.

(Don't do this now.)

"Saeran, you _know_ I'm right. We have to move fast. _I_ have to move fast. Stuff like this was my entire life for years. I can avoid detection, I'm trained for this. You aren't. It's just logical. You're best placed there. I'm best placed here. And we don't have time to argue this."

He's tired. And emotional. And his training isn't keeping him afloat right now. Instead, he feels like he's drowning.

And it feels like Saeran's just yelling at him from the lifeboat and asking to jump into the sea with him too...

(But... you can't swim... Saeran...)

"I'm sorry. I really am. Just... take some time to cool down. Think it over. Maybe... put Jaehee on the phone and I'll work it out with her."

**Saeran**

It hurts... It hurts hurts hurts _hurts_.

(A betrayal) whispers the darkest part of his heart, insidious.

Saeyoung's apologies fall on deaf ears. What Saeran does hear is condescension, a belief that he's worth nothing and would be a burden.

"I see how it is."

The words wrap around his tongue instinctively, and another kind of layer wraps around Saeran too. It's familiar. He can't stop it, though his heart hurts more as it covers him.

"You don't trust me," it continues lightly, voice brittle with pleasantness. "So much so that'd you'd rather do this alone... Have you really learned anything?"

The question is rhetorical, meant to hit where it hurts.

"I won't waste any more of your precious time, then," he concludes, though it makes his heart want to claw its way out of his chest, "You have places to go. Alone. Things to do. Alone. It can only be _you_ , after all!"

The cruel part of himself that's been dormant far too long doesn't hang up. No. It waits for Saeyoung's reaction.

Will he beg? Will he change?

Or will he prove Saeran right?

**Saeyoung**

Even Saeran's voice sounds different. This tone... this way of speaking...

It sounds all too much like how his brother spoke to him... back then.

Saeyoung feels his throat lock up at the memories of their earlier fights... of the way Saeran had looked at him, at those times. Like his older brother was nothing but a captor, a traitor. A villain.

"...Saeran... I..."

(He's right. You haven't learned anything. Every time you've tried, you only hurt him more. Hurt him badly...)

"..." He tries to continue his sentence, but his voice just cracks instead. Feels like he inhaled every last part of the desert on the way here.

Dried out. Dead.

He swallows, throat tense and aching.

"It's not that... please... it's not that..." The distance between them feels worse than it has the entire time they've been apart so far.

Saeyoung turns to face the wall, forehead pressing against it. The surface is rough, and too warm. Uncomfortable.

He's alone for now but, feeling exposed all the same.

Always being watched. Always being monitored. Always at risk. And it had been worth it, to know Saeran was safe.

But he never was, was he? Saeyoung had believed a lie from the start. Why should he know better than his brother now?

But… but this is _different._ This was his job for years.

"Don't... don't do this Saeran. Please... just listen to me. You need to stay there. I can handle Rika. She's been in therapy. I'll..."

(What if her copy is destroyed too? How can I offer him hope when I don't even know there is any...?)

"Please... have faith in me. Don't..."

**Saeran**

Begging it is.

If he was his old self, Saeran would use this chance to try and break Saeyoung completely...

...

He can't do it.

He loves Saeyoung too much, aches for his presence. Utterly emotionally compromised.

He hates that fact right now. All Saeran wants to do is throw the request for faith back into Saeyoung's face. Say something about how he could never trust a liar.

What prevents him is the knowledge of Saeyoung's heart. Drawn to his brother’s earnest affection since birth.

Even now. When his brother is being a patronising idiot.

"...Just do what you want."

He's tired. He wants this over with. Wants their old life back.

If Saeyoung succeeds... good for him. He'll get to rub it in Saeran's face. Prove once and for all how unnecessary his twin is.

(You're being unreasonable) another aspect of his being chides.

(...I know.)

**Saeyoung**

It hurts, but at least Saeran isn't going to run off and try and join him when it isn't safe.

At least Saeran isn't giving up on him.

Just...

...very unhappy.

(It hurts... but this is for the best... I'm not like V... if I was, I wouldn't have told you anything...)

"I truly believe this is the best way to keep us both safe. I wouldn't be doing this otherwise."

Even though his brother's angry at him, even though his tone of voice is so miserable, he doesn't... want to stop listening to it. It's better than silence. "Please look after yourself... and the RFA. I'll do my best out here. I want to come home to you. I want to see you. As soon as I can, I'll run to you. With everything we need."

**Saeran**

"Pretty words."

The tone is bitter, Saeran not receptive to them now. A lot like when he was on the outs with Saeyoung before.

(Does he think I'll be happy with him babbling like that? It doesn’t mean anything.)

Nothing means much at all.

Not without Saeyoung already here by his side.

Not when the one he loves won't listen to him.

(Why did I have to fall in love with my brother...)

"Maybe I'd be better off finding someone else," he sighs, half to himself.

**Saeyoung**

A fist.

A knife.

A broken bottle.

A bullet.

Saeyoung has been hurt by all of these before.

None of them hurt as much as this.

None of them made him feel like his heart would stop beating quite like this.

"Nn..."

And what makes it hurt even more is, Saeran's...

(Saeran's right...)

(If he didn't love me...)

(He wouldn't have to suffer right now...)

(He wouldn't have to hide that he's dating someone...)

(He could be free...)

(He could be with someone who wouldn't make his life complicated...)

(It would be so easy... he's so... handsome... so smart... so talented... stronger than me. Charming. He turned so many heads at the group date alone... or, that woman we went on a date with...)

(But I...)

(I want to scream...)

(I want to tell him, 'No!')

(Only you...)

(Only you complete me... I only want you...)

(I can't live without you...)

(But...)

It's selfish. He's been selfish from the start. He was the one carrying a torch for his twin all his life. He was the one with an awkward boner at fifteen, lying in bed at night beside his brother, looking at his sleeping face and wishing he could reach out, and...

 _He_ was the fucked up one.

Pushing again and again, until the brother who loved him, who was hung up on his abandonment...

He'd worried, even the first time they kissed, that somehow he'd manipulated his twin, even when he'd still been repressing those memories of his teenage pining for his brother.

(Maybe I'm just being told what I need to hear. Maybe God is tired of me not getting the message. That's why our father...)

Our Father. Has it been punishment, all along? Every father sent to teach them a lesson. But, was it really _them?_ Truly, only one of them was a Bad Child. It had only been because of Saeyoung...

God had known the sin in Saeyoung's heart from the minute he left the womb. Knew that Saeyoung’s love would turn out wrong. Maybe even his mother had known... maybe that was why she was always cruellest when she saw them both getting along...

(No...)

(You love him...! You love him so much and he...)

(Does he really love me?)

(Or was it his abandonment complex all along, making him _want_ to love me so that I wouldn't leave... but now I've left anyway, and so what's the use? Why continue loving me...?)

(No...!)

(But, if he loves you...)

(Why would he say... that he would rather be with someone else…)

(No…)

Other than his one, brief sound of hurt, he's been silent as the thoughts drown him.

He doesn't even realise he verbalises the last one.

"...no..."

**Saeran**

With a sinking heart, Saeran knows he's gone too far. Let his insecurity get the worst of him, the constant fear in the back of his mind that they will only destroy one another.

But hearing the denial... It feels good. The knowledge his brother is hurting as much as he is...

It had been an offhand comment. An observation, like ones before, where their lives would be so much easier if they were normal.

Now... it's ammunition, that lets him get that little bit of control back.

"Yoosung wouldn't be hard to seduce... especially if I dressed up as you."

If Saeyoung's going to Rika...

In a way, the suggestion is an act of spite against her too.

**Saeyoung**

(He's only saying this to hurt me... right...?)

(He wouldn't...?)

(He...)

What if he'd accepted Yoosung’s feelings, in that room? Would Yoosung have pushed through his own prejudice and...?

If Saeran...

Would Yoosung also, still...?

And even when he realised it was Saeran...

He imagines them together, despite himself, and feels like throwing up.

"Saeran...!" He sounds like he's recovering from a physical blow (You might want to hurt me, but...)

"Don't hurt Yoosung over this... it's not his fault I'm..."

(A poor excuse for a brother who constantly fails you...)

(A lover that makes you sound like this...)

(A Bad Child... who brought you down with him)

**Saeran**

"You're concerned about _that_?"

Saeran is upset all over again.

So Saeyoung really doesn't trust him after all.

(Look at yourself... How you're acting. Is it such a surprise?)

(Saeyoung is trying his best, and all you can do is throw a tantrum.)

(I'm the worst...)

Saeran was right. They really would be better off without each other...

He just can't _accept_ that.

So…

If he wants this life, to have his needs recognised…

He has to do something more than just cry about it.

He knows what he has to do.

"Just go." Saeran says into the phone, voice like steel.

He can't stop Saeyoung now. It's obviously too late for that.

**Saeyoung**

This is it.

He's fucked up.

He's fucked it all up.

He was always going to fuck it up.

But he won't leave Saeran without telling him, at least...

At least this.

"O-okay... okay... I'm only making it worse. I'm..."

His voice is fragile, and his hand shakes.

"I... I love you. I'm never going to stop loving you. I'm sorry... my love hurt you like this... I shouldn't have..."

He's going to cry. He can't do that to Saeran. It'll just make him feel worse.

His voice is high and tight with repressed tears anyway. "I'll go."

He hangs up.

**Saeran**

The dial tone leaves Saeran shaken, and he has to swallow down something in his throat. It settles heavily in his stomach.

(Don't cry... Don't cry. You can fix this. You're going to fix this, Saeran.)

And when he does, Saeyoung will be grateful for it. Saeran will prove they work better as one. Together.

Saeyoung just can't know, because his sensibilities will fight Saeran all the way.

(We've hurt each other before and survived... We became better for it. This will be the same.)

He needs to keep that hope in his heart. Or else the darkness really will overcome him.

(Just remember... he loves you.)

Because there's no way Saeran can forget he loves Saeyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T_T


	4. Night and day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeyoung visits Rika, and Saeran prepares something of a shock for his twin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The video Saeran watches in this chapter is, as you can probably guess, the one he recorded in the [Place of power](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15252786/chapters/35378457) story arc.

**Saeyoung**

The days that pass between hearing Saeran’s voice and reaching Rika’s location are a blur.

He moves through them like a zombie, a ghost. Brainless and numb. Feeling nothing. Feeling everything. Floating somewhere up in space, watching himself as he packs and unpacks equipment and clothing. Swipes tickets through turnstiles. Flashes ID to people who ask for it.

Jaehee texts him each step as required, and he follows it. She sends him updates for his identity papers, and he uses them. Provides him with advice on the best way to move through each airport unchallenged, and he accepts it.

Saeran doesn't call.

And he accepts that, too.

(I've disappointed him. Failed him.)

(He deserves so much better… I pushed my love on him, from the start...)

(But at least I can do this...)

At least these filthy skills, his life as a cockroach, will let him do this for his twin. Set him free.

From their father.

And from Saeyoung.

He never should have touched his brother. His messed up love is why they fought. His selfishness. His arrogance.

He lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. And he doesn't cry. Hasn’t cried since the night at the motel room, when he’d talked his brother to sleep.

If he starts crying now, he feels like it might never stop.

So he moves, and he packs, and he unpacks, and he swipes, and he hands over his ID.

And he doesn’t cry.

///

And then… he’s arrived.

Rika’s location is the opposite of V’s in every way. The air is cold and damp, and Saeyoung’s breath fogs before him. He almost slips on the street when he turns to look up at the gates leading towards the clinic, stones iced-over and slippery. It doesn’t help that he’s relying on the street lights, the world around him otherwise shrouded in darkness.

The place Rika now calls home is beautiful. And much better lit than the side street Saeyoung took to reach it. V’s monastery had been beautiful too, but in a different way to this. Where his surroundings were aged, full of history, hers are cutting-edge and full of promise. Rather than sand dusting every external surface, things here are clean, well-kept, and smelling faintly of vanilla and lavender.

Gardens, too, though they’re currently filled with bare trees and hibernating flowerbeds. There’s even a pretty stream, covered with a thin layer of ice.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

So is Rika. So beautiful it hurts. The lighting in the garden only serves to make her look all the more ethereal.

Even after all she’s done, everything she inflicted upon his twin… she’s still beautiful. Particularly compared to when Saeyoung last saw her. She’d been bitter and furious, back then.

Now she’s serene, a little distant. Almost glowing from within.

"It is..." he replies, eyes tracing her features, looking for signs of the cruelty she’d shown in the past, and finding only gentleness.

He'd always wished she'd been his mother.

He'd loved her. Desperately desired her to approve of him. To tell him he was a good child...

It’s all too easy to see how she manipulated Saeran, even without the elixir.

She doesn’t look like a cruel person. But then, she never did.

He can’t trust that this new Rika is any more reliable or any safer than the old one.

"Rika. I came here for the item in your possession. The information about my father."

There are so many things he had wanted to say to her, over the years. Things he wanted to ask, even though he was afraid of the answers.

But he’d also decided two years ago to close the book on both Rika and V. To leave it, knowing they were both receiving help. Choosing to believe that there was nothing beneficial to be had by continuing a relationship with either.

He just needs to do this one thing, for Saeran, and go. That's all.

That's all...

"The sun shines here without setting for two months of the year..." Rika comments, dreamily. "Two beautiful months." She kneels down next to the frozen stream, her back to Saeyoung. “Two months to shine and be sweet… and then, there’s times like this…”

She reaches out, and picks up something Saeyoung can’t see. Apparently unperturbed by the icy ground against her knees. Saeyoung finds himself compelled to walk over to her side, squatting down to look at what she’s doing.

There's a rock in her hands. Just a small one, though it boasts a sharp edge.

Rika presses the tip of it against the frozen stream, and a spiderweb of cracks slowly begin to expand from that single point.

“When it’s like this… it’s beautiful… still. Weeks and weeks of night. Time to recover, in the darkness. Quiet, healing from that unyielding light… so that I can shine again, once it passes. A perfectly balanced world of dark and light, Saeyoung. A chance to exist in both.”

Her voice is so sweet, so soft. He truly could listen to it all day.

But he can’t.

“Rika… he’s trying to hurt Saeran. I need the information you have so that I can stop him from taking things and further.”

“Saeran…” Rika places the rock gently down on the ice sheet. Turns her soft green gaze onto Saeyoung’s face. “I miss him… I missed you, too, Saeyoung…”

Then Rika’s turning fully towards him, her arms draping over his shoulders, pulling him into her body. He doesn’t resist, letting his knees hit the cold earth, too, thawed ice already beginning to seep into his clothing.

Even as he accepts her touch, his words at her shoulder are as cold as the surface of the stream. “You have no right to miss him. He’s still recovering from that pain _you_ caused…”

“Saeyoung… yes. You're right. The person who hurt your brother and turned him against you… of course, you would feel that way.”

She doesn’t let him go, but he doesn’t struggle, either.

"Still. I missed you both..." she says, in her melodic, gentle voice. "I wish I could have watched over you these last few years... I'm not the woman you knew. Or the lover V knew. Or the cousin Yoosung knew. Or...”

She smiles, lifting a hand from his back to stroke at his hair. "The saviour Saeran knew."

Why does his name sound more perfect on her lips than anyone else's? It's cruel...

"Rika, please... I need your help."

It’s an appeal he feels will work. Would have worked with the old Rika. And probably this one. Though the overlay of unfamiliarity over her behaviour and words is unsettling.

“That information is one of my few treasured items from the past. What would you do for me, if I gave it to you? Would you finish the story with me? Saeyoung…”

She pushes him back a little, to look into his eyes. Then she leans forward and presses her perfect, cold lips to his cheek. Then the other.

“Saeyoung… would you stay with me, then…?”

Her hands trail down his shoulders to rest, palms down, on his chest.

“Your heartbeat… feels just like your brother’s…” she murmurs, a faint smile playing over her face. “It would be a sort of balance, don’t you think? First your brother, then you… would you like that, Saeyoung?”

Someone else asking a question like that would be ludicrous.

But this is Rika.

“…I don’t think it would be that balanced at all, Rika.”

She smiles even more brightly at that, and leans in once, to leave a small, chaste kiss against his lips. Saeyoung freezes, stiller even than the rock resting precariously on the ice sheet by Rika’s side.

“Ah. You’re right, of course. After all, I can’t really keep either of you. You belong to each other. That’s what you said before, right?”

She knew.

She _knew._

Somehow, he’d let himself forget that. (…idiot.)

He’d told Rika as a child, that he _loved_ his brother. It could have been excused away easily enough as just childish ideas, but the way Rika had looked at him back then, she _knew_.

And she knows now.

“Have you done that with him, too, yet? Balanced each other out?”

Her eyes, which had been so dream-like before, are now sharp. Saeyoung feels pinned by them as much as the kiss. But then, as a light breeze picks up, blowing Rika’s hair gently from her shoulders, her gaze softens once more.

"It's okay. I was just curious. You two can do as you wish. I'm not part of it any more."

Rika takes a hand from his chest to lightly touch at his cheek with her fingers. "Are you afraid, Saeyoung?"

He looks away, letting her hand touch nothing but air.

"...yes."

"Good. I'm glad that even now... you'll still seek me out in your fear...” Rika returns both her hands to her lap. Her voice only a little more discernible than the breeze. “Do you hate me?” The wind picks up, and Saeyoung shivers. Rika nods, pushing her heels to the ground once more and standing up. The front of her clothing stained with the earth. “No. No, I don't need an answer. I know."

She gently reaches down to where Saeyoung still kneels. "I'll show you, then. What you need."

Rika’s copy of the data is intact. It runs without a problem when Saeyoung connects it to his laptop. The ex-RFA coordinator watches him in silence as he packs the solid state drive carefully away, tucking it into his backpack with the laptop.

“Thank you.”

Saeyoung had to go through a lot to reach this point. But finally, he has what he needs to end all of this. Free himself, and Saeran.

So he can be a little grateful. Even to Rika.

For her part, she seems strangely satisfied as she waves him goodbye. "It was good talking with you, Saeyoung... you should bring him too, next time... I’d like to see the two of you together, happy..."

He promises nothing, and yet somehow, it still hurts to turn his back on her again.

///

Saeyoung hasn’t booked anywhere to sleep tonight. Instead, he heads straight back to the airport from the clinic that is Rika’s home, desperate to return to his own country as soon as he can.

As he sits in the departure lounge, backpack resting on his knees, he stares at his phone.

He hasn’t spoken to Saeran since the fight. Not even texted.

But he doesn’t want Saeran to have to wait any longer to hear that things will be okay.

So, he calls his brother.

But Saeran doesn’t answer. In fact, his phone seems to be off entirely.

**Saeran**

If Saeran is good at one thing, it's disappearing.

Sure, he might not have the training Saeyoung did... But he spent years keeping the existence of himself and Mint Eye hidden. It wasn't until Saeyoung went to Mint Eye physically that he’d learned the complete truth.

"It's because of that, I'll show you not to underestimate me."

The fight has worked out as an excuse not to check in, and the RFA is clueless. As always. Saeran has been sure to leave instructions with the intelligence team Jaehee created, of course, to ensure things continued to progress as they should.

Otherwise, as far as the RFA is concerned, Saeran is laying low as he harasses the Agency's servers as a distraction. Keeping eyes with potential connections to their father away from Saeyoung, and any data collection.

It's a half truth.

Saeran isn’t just harrying his brother’s old employer to keep them on their toes.

He’s working on their complete destruction. An end to the Agency all together.

That’s not the only thing the RFA doesn’t know, however.

Saeran isn’t at the bunker any more, either.

It was safer that way.

Besides, Saeran wants to have complete control over when he next sees Saeyoung.

There's so much to say.

(I'm sorry... I love you... Don't be afraid. I'll be with you no matter what. You can't leave me behind. I won’t let you. Isn't that nice?)

The problem is, he can't quite pinpoint Saeyoung... and until he can, working out exactly when and where they should meet is a challenge.

Until Saeyoung tries to call. Something Saeran had been counting on.

(Today would have been the day he’d see Rika…)

He doesn’t linger too long on the feelings that rise up in his chest at the thought of her. There’s a stronger feeling underneath those, that tells him that his brother is alive. Whatever happened with Rika, he can _feel_ it: Saeyoung is coming home.

(About time. You made me wait longer than you promised.)

His intuition is confirmed by briefly touching base with one of the members of the intelligence team. Learning Saeyoung’s already booked a return flight, a direct one straight to Seoul, with just a single stop on the way. Riskier than his more roundabout approach to his journey to date. His twin must still be keen to come home, too. Keen enough to rush.

(Good.)

According to the itinerary, Saeyoung should be back in the country within 18 hours. Once his brother is in the air, Saeran can let up on the Agency servers for a bit. Probably a good idea to take a nap after that, then a little more interference to increase Saeyoung’s ability to stay under the radar when he lands. Then, Saeran can intercept his twin. But only when he _chose_ to do so.

 _This_ reunion, Saeran was going to be the one to catch his brother.

"See you soon, hyung."

**Saeyoung**

Jaehee’s voice is reassuring. Everything is fine. Saeran is still laying low, just as he’d intended.

He’s safe. _Everyone’s_ safe. And there’s no hints that his father is aware of Saeyoung’s current location, either.

So... there’s no reason for Saeran to not be able to answer Saeyoung’s call, other than the obvious one.

(...he doesn’t want to talk to me.)

He fucked up so badly, even days later, his twin won’t speak to him.

(He doesn’t want me any more...)

And Saeyoung never deserved him. Had no claim to him, at all.

The thoughts swirl in his head, miserable, as he boards the plane home. Even as the in-flight heating gently surrounds him with warm air, the earring in his ear feels like a shard of ice.

Though all of Saeyoung’s senses are a little screwy right now.

He’s barely eaten since the last time he spoke with his twin. Stomach in far too many knots. Only taking in enough to keep himself going, and even then, only just. Sleep had been scarce, too. The nights spent staring up at the ceiling, gazing heavenwards.

Not asking for forgiveness.

Not asking anything at all.

It all combines to make him nauseous. But then, as the plane is in the second leg of its journey, another strange feeling seizes him.

Familiar, and…

**Saeran**

The nap was a good idea. Though Saeran wakes hours before the alarm he’s set, to signal Saeyoung’s impending arrival into the country. Realising that, for now, he has nothing to do.

As the plane lands, he’ll keep the Agency from detecting his twin. And once his brother’s phone is back on the network, Saeran can trace it, thanks to his own knowledge of Saeyoung’s custom systems.

But other than that…

Saeran stretches lazily on the apartment’s single bed, the sheets a little musty but otherwise fine.

He has nothing to do, and he has this place to himself.

Well, he’s not entirely alone. He has the bomb to keep him company, too. Just as MC had, those couple years ago…

Saeran picks up his phone.

This time, he had all the power. He was doing things right under everyone’s nose, and _no one_ suspected anything. He could go to Saeyoung right away, meet him at C&R.

Or perhaps he’ll make Saeyoung wait. Make him sweat a little, over the brother he broke a promise to, a second time. Unfair as that second promise might have been.

Saeran can do what he likes.

He flips through the media on his phone, to find a certain video.

A time when Saeyoung had done _everything_ Saeran had told him, no matter how debased.

His brother had been so, so obedient. So eager to please.

Saeran hits play, and watches as his brother lavishes attention on a Saeran from the past. He hears that past Saeran ask:

_"Oh? I'm not forcing you?"_

And Saeyoung’s voice returns, his face full of desire and affection:

_“No. I want this. I want you.”_

It sends a thrill through Saeran’s body all over again.

(I have some time… to enjoy this.)

So, he does.

**Saeyoung**

…it’s Saeran.

This feeling is _all_ Saeran. Reaching Saeyoung across this impossible distance with ease, just as their heartbeats and longing had briefly manifested with each other that time he called from the motel.

It’s Saeran. There’s no doubt.

And the feeling…

Is undoubtedly sexual. Arousal and desire and a sense of victory and…

…a small taste of revenge.

The nausea returns to dominate all of Saeyoung’s senses.

Saeran had said, hadn’t he? That he’d be better off with someone else.

(But… he wouldn’t… do that… right now… he wouldn’t…)

There’d been the threat of seducing Yoosung, too. All as a way to punish Saeyoung for betraying his twin.

It’s a good thing Saeyoung’s stomach is empty.

And even though the feelings through his connection to his brother fade away, the tremors it leaves behind remain.

Even when Saeyoung departs the plane, he can see his hands are shaking. Though that might be the lack of sleep and nutrition, too.

He tries not to think about begging. Pleading for something he doesn’t deserve any more. Something he never did.

It’s when he enters C&R, to come face to face with Jaehee, learning that she, MC and Jumin have been taking shifts, napping onsite at times, in order to be sure one of them would be there on his arrival…

It’s then the tears start to fall. Though at least he manages not to sob.

Jaehee hugs him, and it’s only a little awkward.

He wipes at his eyes, hands over the data (having long since made his own copies) and nods as Jaehee tells him to go home.

Though as she offers to have someone drive him, he changes his expression to a firm ‘no’. Wiping what remains of his tears at his face.

(...I'm not nearly ready to see him... I'm a wreck...)

He can't go home.

He can't... face what’s waiting for him there.

Not after what he felt from Saeran.

He needs time to centre himself.

And steel himself.

And. Cry.

Cry a lot.

Then, maybe, he can face his brother.

So he borrows a car from Jumin's fleet. And instead...

He heads  _there_.

**Saeran**

He watches his brother’s signal leave C&R. Still safely hidden at the apartment, keen to watch his twin arrive to an empty house. Then, he’ll decide whether to show up... or maybe he’ll call, first…

His brother needs to understand the position he’s in. What he’s put Saeran through.

But… Saeyoung’s course is all wrong.

(Wait. He’s not going home?)

Despite himself, now Saeran feels a twinge of regret at not answering the earlier phone call.

Or trying to meet his brother at the airport, no matter how risky a move that would be.

(It's too late now. If he's going to run away, then...)

Saeran will simply have to intercept him.

It doesn’t mean he has any less control. Saeyoung won’t be expecting Saeran to chase him like this.

And Saeran has a good idea of where Saeyoung is going, based on the direction he's heading in... although… (is this also twin's intuition? An aspect of our link?)

He can’t _feel_ Saeyoung right now, other than a hazy knowledge that he’s alive. His heart is beating. But somehow, he’s certain.

(Besides, that place has a little history for us both…)

Time to leave. Though perhaps he should give Saeyoung a small shock. Something that might make him pause. Something that will allow Saeran to beat him to his destination.

That something takes the form of a smile, aimed directly at the CCTV outside Rika’s old apartment. Knowing that the C&R intelligence team is monitoring the feed even now.

He’d masked his entry, previously. He can only imagine their shock at his appearance now.

(Go on, then. Tell him… Tell Saeyoung, that I can act as I please.)

No one stops him, not that he’s expecting them to. Fully prepared to threaten any mysterious assailants with detonating the bomb if they do. But it’s unnecessary. He's able to make his way to where he's parked one of Saeyoung's babe cars in the basement garage without incident.

He’s so confident that Saeyoung will be slowed down by a contact from C&R, he might even stop by for a few things along the way… still able to beat Saeyoung there. Then, Saeran can confront him, with all the knowledge at his disposal, and all the progress he’s had at taking down the Agency.

Then Saeyoung will have to acknowledge his point.

How awful it feels when the one you love ignores and leaves you, to confront the one entity that terrifies you the most.

**Saeyoung**

As Saeyoung drives, his mind can't stop jumping back to the feeling he'd had earlier... his twin’s victorious revenge and lust.

(Saeran…)

(Did he...?)

(…I don't know what to think)

Another reason to calm himself and his emotions before seeing his twin again.

But, as he's sulking, his phone rings.

A moment of hope seizes him -  but it's not Saeran.

It's Jaehee.

"Jaehee! Is everything okay with the data? Did you need my help?"

"Luciel... no... the data's still fine. It's your brother..."

Jaehee fills him in. Saeran isn't at the bunker after all.

"Rika's apartment?! What was he doing there?"

"We don't know. And after his appearance on camera, we lost all trace of him..."

"Okay... I'll... I'll look for him..."

"I'm sorry Luciel. He smiled at the camera, though, so perhaps he was letting us know that he's okay…"

He wraps up the call with Jaehee quickly and considers his options. He's closer to his destination than he is the bunker, now. It’s probably better to keep going, than turn back. Set up at the cabin…

He feels a thrill rush through his system, then, another feeling so unmistakably Saeran it makes his heart ache…

(He's... doing something big. Without me.)

It might be worth trying to locate his brother now. Then Saeyoung can make the call as to where he should go next. If he can't pinpoint his brother, then the cabin will be the better option, for now. He has resources he can draw on there.

**Saeran**

It’s no surprise Saeyoung catches a hint of his younger brother’s feelings. Saeran's excited. Everything is going to plan. He gets to drive a flash car, and soon he'll see his brother in person...

(I'll miss the sound of his voice in my ear that the phone gives, but...)

(Nothing can compare to actually being with him.)

There's so much to address when that happens, but...

(This _all_ would have been prevented if he just stayed by my side.)

That's why Saeran must do better too. To make it so Saeyoung won't want to or _need_ to leave again. That’s why he’s been attacking the Agency in Saeyoung’s absence. Not just to show his brother how capable he is on his own, but also to ensure this really will be the end of threats to their life together, from now on.

They’ll never need to part, ever again.

(Looks like my abandonment complex gets worse, when it's him...) It’s a detached observation. Saeran doesn’t see any need to change this aspect of himself. Not when he and Saeyoung _were_ going to stay together from now on.

While his first priority is to make Saeyoung keenly aware of this fact, Saeran knows he’ll need to take responsibility for getting so emotional, and lashing out. It's only fair. He doesn’t want Saeyoung’s kindness to be exhausted...

At least it means his emotions will reach Saeyoung's heart though. Being this emotional isn’t _that_ a terrible flaw to have.

And it isn't like Saeran is so obsessive he won't let Saeyoung go to the supermarket alone, after this.

Just...

Not to _battle_.

Because this is what it _is_.

War.

And Saeran needs to be there to protect his brother, too. Just as much as Saeyoung protects him.

The time Saeyoung spends trying (fruitlessly) to locate Saeran give him all the edge he needs. Arriving at the cabin in the woods well before his brother.

 _That_ cabin. The one Saeyoung used when breaking Saeran out of Mint Eye long ago.

Really, it makes sense that Saeyoung would choose this place. It's isolated, and the Agency doesn't know about it.

No one does... Except them.

(Probably...)

Hiding the car in the woods, and covering his tracks, Saeran scouts the area before heading inside. Making himself comfortable as he waits for his brother to arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their meeting won't go quite as either of them think it will.


	5. Long time no see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran confronts Saeyoung at the cabin he'd been whisked away to from Mint Eye a few years prior.
> 
> Also, this chapter is illustrated! I commissioned a piece especially for this scene. [You can view more of this wonderful artist's work here!](http://anaanaai.tumblr.com)
> 
> **There is a small bit of nsfw in the middle of this chapter. Just a little!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, Saeran does briefly discuss his history of suicidal feelings at the very end of this chapter - he doesn't take it to an in-depth or intense place, but wanted to let you guys know, in case that was a problem for you.

**Saeyoung**

This is it.

This is really it, isn’t it?

Saeyoung’s fingers shake as he pulls the lid of the laptop closed.

He can’t find a trace of his brother, anywhere. Not even with the knowledge of precisely where and when he’d been only an hour ago.

The clouds above him are thick, the air chill. He should get to the cabin, and plan his next move. Even if Saeran doesn’t want to see him, there’s still more work to do before the threat of their father is neutralised.

Instead, Saeyoung slips back into the driver’s seat and rests his head on the steering wheel.

Really, he shouldn’t be driving. Shouldn’t be doing anything. It feels like his brain has been strained through a sieve, nothing left but a pink-grey puddle. Maybe a few neurons floating sadly in the mix.

(Should have forced myself to eat… or at least drink…)

Should have done a lot of things.

His fingers tighten around the steering wheel.

He has to get himself together. Has to see it through until the end.

Once he knows his brother is safe, _really_ safe, then he can stop moving.

Until then, he’ll drag this corpse of a body around until he can finally let it rest for good.

He limps along in Jumin’s fleet car to the cabin. Driving far under the speed limit, because any faster and he’s not sure he can avoid an accident. When he finally arrives, he’s barely lucid enough to wrestle his bag out of the car, let alone notice any signs that anyone else has been here recently. Besides, Saeran has done an excellent job masking his entry and his car.

Still, Saeyoung does his best to at least do a basic security check. He’s a terrible sight, nothing like the man who left South Korea a couple weeks earlier. Eyes dull, skin far too matte in some places and far too shiny in others, his hair messy and greasy and not even vaguely brushed.

Essentially: he looks _almost_ as wrecked as he feels. Every movement slow, distracted and fragmented.

But finally, he enters the cabin. As the door shuts behind him, he leans against it hard, then sinks down, exhausted, to the floor. Knees coming up to his chin, backpack to his side.

Saeyoung shivers. Feels like it's going to be a cold night. He didn't even check the weather forecast.

(What does it matter. I deserve to freeze. I deserve a lot worse than that.)

He should get to work… but he can’t muster the energy to stand.

**Saeran**

Not that he'll have to.

Saeran's heart aches seeing his brother like this. Even in the partial darkness, it’s obvious how wrecked Saeyoung is. It makes Saeran want to rush over immediately, hold and comfort his twin until he's less...

Less _that_.

But anxiety grips Saeran's heart.

If Saeyoung looks that way because of him...

Maybe he doesn’t even want to see Saeran at all.

The thought chills him. Somehow, until now, that thought hadn’t even crossed his mind.

But he came here intent to confront his brother, and he can't hide himself much longer anyway. There's no running away.

(Unlike Saeyoung.)

Stepping out of the shadows, Saeran makes no effort to hide his presence. "Long time no see, hyung."

**Saeyoung**

There’s not enough energy left in his body to feel shocked. Or rather, the shock reaches him slowly, having to travel through so many layers of exhaustion to truly register.

There’s also the question of whether this is really happening at all. Or has he finally lost it?

Saeyoung raises his head.

And there his brother is, stepping out of the darkness.

(Still… an angel…)

Whether of mercy or vengeance, there is nothing Saeyoung would do to stand in his way.

He can’t read Saeran’s face at all. Can hear none of his thoughts.

There are so many things he wants to say…

(I’m sorry…)

(I missed you…)

(I love you…)

(I only wanted somewhere to cry… so you wouldn’t have to see.)

But none of those words come out.

All he says aloud, voice raw and wobbly, is:

“You’re so beautiful…”

He doesn’t let out a single sob, but his face gets wet, anyway.

[ ](https://i.postimg.cc/NGxPyfMZ/By-Ana-Garden-of-Stars-Break-what-can-t-be-fixed-ch-5.jpg)

[[Click the image or this text for larger version - artist info in chapter desc!]](https://i.postimg.cc/NGxPyfMZ/By-Ana-Garden-of-Stars-Break-what-can-t-be-fixed-ch-5.jpg)

**Saeran**

There are so many things he’s wanted to say to his twin. Sentences crafted over days of stewing in his emotions, each word carefully selected to communicate everything inside him. But faced with this, he goes blank. Thoughts and heartbeat stuttering to a stop.

Then with a heave of breath… his heart and mind race, and Saeran steps forward to meet his twin completely. Hands hovering just at the last moment, uncertainty causing him to stop before making contact.

How many days had Saeran been torn up inside? Unable to think of anything but their last conversation? Only functioning for one clear goal?

And now...

Now...

"Can I hold you?"

His voice quavers, tone so unlike that of his earlier sweet spite.

"I know... I don't have the right to ask that now..." Saeran knows he was as much to blame for their argument as Saeyoung, if not more so.

He just couldn't call Saeyoung. Afraid if he did, he might completely fall apart, and lose everything he was trying to achieve on his own. Saeran couldn't handle more heartbreak.

And... though wanting to make a point to Saeyoung was a big part of his motivation... Saeran needed to do it for himself too. Prove he could match his twin, be more than a damsel in distress locked in a tower.

That didn't justify how much he hurt Saeyoung while proving it, though.

"...I don't deserve to have you look at me like that."

He doesn’t want to be a burden. He can take it… Saeyoung should be able to walk away, without Saeran trying to control him.

Only...

(It hurt so much... when you went so far away... _again…_ )

Tears are dripping down Saeran's cheeks now too.

"It's okay to be angry at me... you should be. You can punch me if it'll make you feel better."

So much for his intricate plot. His plans to wow Saeyoung with his intelligence and skill.

(It can't be helped...)

When confronted with the reality of his twin, who he's yearned for so badly these last few weeks...

Saeran crumbles.

There's no defence.

**Saeyoung**

Every shitty useless brick in every shitty useless wall he's so desperately tried to build in his heart over the last week, to protect Saeran from his feelings, to protect _him_ from _Saeran’s_ feelings, crumbles along with his brother.

(He doesn’t hate me...)

Saeyoung wants to laugh with relief, but it comes out like a weird sigh of a sob instead.

He reaches up to Saeran and tugs at his arms, gently signalling _please, please hold me, please..._

Saeran's crumbling becomes a physical sort, too, as he swiftly joins Saeyoung on the floor, Saeyoung pulling his twin into his chest and burying his face in Saeran's shoulder and -

(I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Saeran...)

But all he can do is sniffle into Saeran's shoulder, cling to Saeran's body – attempt to breathe in that scent he missed so much except he _can’t_ because his nose is too blocked now, the tears he hasn't been letting escape all week seizing his throat and his eyes and his nose all at once.

(I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you so much there's nothing I want but you please hold me please touch me please don't let me go ever again I'm so sorry I'm so stupid never should have left you on your own never again I'm sorry I love you I love you Saeran I-)

It’s probably for the best that their mental link is impaired by their emotions right now, because there’s no end to the babble inside him. Though outside, he’s quiet, save for the sniffling. Totally making a mess of his brother's clothing...

Finally, he feels capable of using actual human language again. Softly, his chin on the mess of tears he's left on Saeran's shoulder, he replies "I don't wanna punch you... not even a little..."

**Saeran**

This is the first time in Saeran's life he's seen Saeyoung cry like this. Making no attempt to be strong or hide his feelings.

(I really broke you, didn't I...)

Saeran gets no satisfaction from it. It only makes him feel hollow.

"I went too far," he sobs, pressing his face into Saeyoung's red hair. Offering Saeyoung every justification to hurt him, even if his brother claims otherwise. "You have every right to hate me..."

Funny how quickly he changes tune. Not so long ago, he had been thinking Saeyoung had no right to refuse him.

(I'm so stupid... I say all these things, but when it comes down to it, all I want is for him to embrace me.)

"I kept thinking... About how our desire kept making things worse... But that didn't stop me from wanting to be with you. To talk to you about everything I've been struggling with..."

The problem with that was, of course, circular. So many of Saeran's woes began and ended with Saeyoung. His eyes hurt from crying, but his chest... there's some relief. Saeran can now breathe much easier than he had when he was left alone.

"Saeyoung... even if you're sick of me, I'll never let you go."

**Saeyoung**

"Never..." Saeyoung breathes, a little snottily. "Never let me go... I can't do that again, I can't ever... it hurt too much... Saeran... being without you hurts too much..."

He finally allows himself to loosen his grip enough that he can stroke circles on Saeran's back. Until now too intent on keeping his twin as close as possible.

"I'm sorry... I just wanted to be able for once to _actually_ protect you instead of fucking up like I have every other time... and instead all I did was hurt you... I was an idiot... you were right to be angry... I...I love you so much Saeran... I thought you'd given up on me... I'm so relieved... so please... I don't ever want to be that stupid again... so don't let me go... don't ever..."

Between sentiments he leaves kisses on every part of his twin in reach, the reality of his brother in his arms restoring, at least temporarily, a little of his energy.

**Saeran**

Saeran absorbs all of Saeyoung's kisses and returns a few of his own, tracing their trails of tears lightly with his mouth.

"I love you... I love you so much Saeyoung. It'll be over soon..."

**Saeyoung**

(So... relieved...)

Being without Saeran once had been bad enough. At least that first time, he'd thought Saeran had been happy.

Being apart from him, _and_ knowing his twin was hurting...

(I'm so relieved, I'm dizzy...)

(Really... dizzy.)

Dizzy, and messy, and cold... really cold. When did it get _so_ cold?

He shivers.

"Saeran..." he sits back at last, fruitlessly wiping at his face with a sleeve, then trying to do the same with his other hand to Saeran.

His sleeve is barely absorbent, but touching Saeran's face feels good... makes the hollow wooden feeling he's carried in his chest all week feel warm again...

Saeyoung doesn't realise it, but the fingers he touched Saeran's face with are cold, too.

"Saeran... are... are you hungry? I... I haven't been eating and... I want to talk more... but I can’t think straight.”

The fingers of the hand he held up against Saeran’s cheek are trembling, too.

"Would you sit with me... and... share something with me... please? There should be a lot of stuff here that hasn’t expired…”

**Saeran**

After everything Saeran has gone through to get to this moment, all the work setting up his perfect stage for their reunion... None of it seems to matter, with Saeyoung in his arms. Weak, and in need of Saeran's care.

(Later... I'll improvise later.)

Saeyoung was right. They need to talk more.

But it can wait.

Saeran's starting to feel the cold too, and the chill of Saeyoung's fingers against his cheek prevents him from leaning fully into the touch.

Considering the time of year and that they're in the mountains... It's a good thing there's a fireplace in this cabin.

"Then... why don't you get the fire going as I prepare us some food?"

While Saeran hasn't exactly been taking care of himself either, at least he hasn't had to travel far or confront demons. Leaving him in far better shape than his brother for once. Saeran leans in to place one last, light kiss on Saeyoung's lips before reluctantly pulling away, going to the kitchen to prepare something warm.

For all they've missed each other, it's probably good that they'll have some space to think and regroup for a moment... Overwhelmed by the simple fact that they were together again.

Except Saeyoung doesn't get much space at all: as soon as Saeran's stepped out, his cell phone starts to ring again.

It's Yoosung.

**Saeyoung**

He stares at the phone.

And just feels kinda sick.

It... it wasn't Yoosung's fault. And he and Saeran... hadn't... whatever it was Saeyoung had felt, he knows now, there’s no way Saeran had...

(I just... don't have the strength right now to talk to him normally, with those thoughts in my head.)

So he watches the call ring out, not willing to decline it outright.

(...sorry...)

He turns his attention to the fireplace.

**Saeran**

The kitchen’s goods are less than inspiring, which should be expected. Mainly cans on good or preserved stuffs. But Saeran _did_ purchase extra supplies on the way here, assuming they might need to hole up for a while until the Agency was dealt with…

And, looking out the window...

He might want to get those supplies now, anyway. It's starting to snow. He can bring in more firewood, too, before it gets too damp. Determined, Saeran goes to do just that.

It's freezing, but if the snow is going to stick around, keeping the place warm will only be all the more pressing.

The snow will also make it far more difficult to leave, even if they start arguing again… And there’s much less of a chance of anyone finding and reaching them.

(Perfect.)

Once his extra supplies and the spare firewood is brought inside, Saeran gets to work on a light meal. Rice, a can of corn, ketchup… plus onion, eggs and milk from his own supplies.

(Let's get started.)

**Saeyoung**

As his twin brings extra firewood in, Saeyoung stacks it, the damper logs placed so that they'll have time to dry out properly before being needed.

(…been a while since I chopped wood here.)

He’ll have to come back again next summer to make some more… well. On second thought, he doesn’t want to think that far ahead, for now.

As the flames grow in strength, Saeyoung finds that fingers he didn't realise he was curling relax. He's not normally a fan of smoke, but the woodfire smell is comforting somehow. Nostalgic, even though he never had a fireplace growing up, or bonfires.

Some deeper, older memory, maybe. Humans long accustomed to seeking comfort this way.

He realizes he's been zoning out a while, staring into the flames.

**Saeran**

Who could blame him, after the last few days?

It gives Saeran time to cook without being missed too. Returning to the lounge area, he presents Saeyoung with a plate of omelette rice - a recipe he learned from Yoosung.

"I had enough to make this..." Awkwardly, Saeran sits down next to his twin at the fireplace, once the plate is accepted. Not eating at the table.

Rika would have considered it bad manners... But what she thought didn't matter right now.

**Saeyoung**

(I don't deserve this... all this effort.)

But he keeps that thought to himself, instead just saying 'thank you'.

He eats with one hand, the one closest to Saeran otherwise occupied. Keeping light contact with Saeran's ankle, of all things - it's just the nearest bit of exposed skin that won't get his arm in his twin's way as they eat.

A single finger curling and straightening, brushing the skin lightly.

Letting him know Saeran is there, is real, alive.

Next to him.

He's so shaky he keeps dropping food back into the plate, but the smell of it begins to awaken his body's hunger properly, suppressed for so long, so he still makes decent progress through the meal despite all the fumbling.

**Saeran**

Saeran finishes first, and while Saeyoung makes a good effort... The shakiness gradually getting better... It's still obviously an effort.

Saying nothing, he takes Saeyoung's plate and scoops up a forkful of food, before presenting it to his twin.

"Well? Say 'ahh'."

**Saeyoung**

"Haha..."

It all feels a little surreal... his head spinning with their reunion enough as it was, and now… _this_.

"A-aah..."

Being cared for by Saeran like this...

(I missed...)

He takes in another mouthful, Saeran not hesitating to offer him more food as soon as he's done with the first.

(...I missed this, too...)

The plate is finished quickly with Saeran's help.

Saeyoung can already feel his body beginning to recover a little.

"I almost feel human again..." Saeyoung jokes softly, studying Saeran's face. "Thank you..."

**Saeran**

"Don't thank me." Saeran says, feeling guiltier than ever, "I was the one that turned you into a zombie..."

Gathering the plates, Saeran places them aside. Not wanting to get up just yet.

Being in front of the fire... next to his brother... with a full stomach and no distractions...

He wants to take it in a little longer, before the inevitable difficult conversation.

Saeyoung might be soft and weak now, but Saeran is well-aware of how stubborn he could be.

**Saeyoung**

His brother's hesitance to go into... what's next... doesn't go unnoticed.

Saeyoung, too...

"We've had to be apart so long..." he starts, hands both now on his knees. Fingers spread over the fabric of his pants.

"I... just want to hold you... and I want you to hold me..."

A log in the fire cracks, sending a few brief fragmented sparks upwards.

"But…I know I look awful right now... I probably smell, too..."

**Saeran**

"...when you say things like that, I want to believe you... I want to feel like we've got nothing to fear."

The truth is there was plenty to be afraid about. Including each other.

Still, Saeran shifts closer to Saeyoung. Placing a hand gingerly over his twin's. "Either way... I feel a little better now you're here. We can talk once we've both had some sleep."

There's no way either of them were going to get work done like this anyway.

"It's fine if you stink, if you want me...” A pause. “Please… say you want me." Insecurity grips Saeran's heart again. Anger no longer protecting himself from the emotions he’d tried to suppress.

He feels his eyes tearing up again, and he blinks rapidly to try and prevent crying.

"When I was alone, it felt like... you didn't."

He can't look at Saeyoung's face, so he turns to stare into the fire instead.

So many memories were dragged up in their time apart. About Rika... and their mother. And what they had both said to Saeran, at different times.

"I'm just a pain anyway, right? Clingy and desperate..."

**Saeyoung**

"Sincere and honest..." Saeyoung murmurs, turning the hand Saeran has covered palm-up so he can entwine his fingers in it.

"Passionate and direct..." he adds, raising his other hand to brush Saeran's cheek.

"I just wish I was better at showing you how much I admire you..."

He leans in, to softly, briefly kiss just behind his brother’s ear, where the line of his hair begins. Just as he'd described wanting to do in the motel, when they’d comforted each other over the phone…

He trails his kisses to Saeran’s shoulder, then rests his own forehead there. “My stress at being apart from you... brought out the worst in me. I did everything... you hate... didn't I... everything... even though you've told me before, I still... did it. I hurt you."

**Saeran**

...Yes.

Saeran wants to deny it, but he isn't wrong.

Though he could have reacted better himself.

"...It means a lot to me, to be equal with you... to share a trust with you. I know you wanted to protect me, but... it hurt." Yet here he is, winding arms around Saeyoung and pressing his face into his brother's hair.

"But I lashed out. I couldn't control my emotions... I was scared. You weren’t just _gone_ , you were going to see _Rika_... It terrified me, even though I knew you were right."

Yes.

Saeyoung was _right_.

His brother might regret what he did, but... it was completely reasonable. He shouldn't blame himself for that.

"And you're so warm-hearted to be able to forget that... to think it was okay. Even though you were working hard for my sake. So, I'm sorry."

**Saeyoung**

“I’m sorry too. That I made you feel like that again...”

He pulls his twin closer, the warmth of his brother more compelling than any fireplace.

“And you _are_ my equal. And not only that. You’re the only person who has ever been able to challenge me... hah... let’s be honest, outwit me...”

Saeran had broken past Saeyoung’s defences digitally more than once. And disappeared without a trace so many times, too.

His voice is a mixture of wonder and sorrow. “With so little... you accomplished so much, with none of the training I had… you truly are amazing... I just ... didn’t want you to have to go through any more of it... you don’t deserve it... you never did...”

He strokes Saeran’s hair with one hand, thanking the universe silently that this is real, that they’re together again at last.

“I’ll always have that desire to protect you... but you... can protect yourself... I know.”

His voice grows smaller. “But… I need you, too... you know? To protect me, too... there’s things... that, _only_ you... only you can ever keep me safe from.”

He attempts to settle the tightness in his chest by focusing on the feeling of the hair under his fingers, the breaths by his ear.

**Saeran**

Gradually Saeyoung's words truly reach Saeran, his tears drying - no longer soaking his brother's hair.

(I'm nothing special... you're the amazing one.)

All this time, Saeran could only think about having them run away. But Saeyoung had gathered the strength and determination to face the worst of it all.

That frustration is part of what led Saeran to aim at the Agency.

"I’m here. I want to protect you, too."

Though protect Saeyoung from what... outside of their father and Rika, it's a mystery to him.

Saeran presses a kiss to Saeyoung's ear, just under the earring. Just as he’d described on their wistful phone call, too.

"Though… you're already strong, hyung. You already face things I struggle with, and do things I can't... think of things I can't. Your imagination…"

**Saeyoung**

“When I close my eyes, there’s only one thing I’ve been imagining... that I’ve been holding onto as my source of strength...”

He moves a hand to rest against Saeran’s chest, then trails his fingers up to his twin’s neck. Continuing upwards, they softly stroke along Saeran’s jaw, tilting his chin up, just a little. Saeyoung strokes his thumb across Saeran’s chin, the nail softly grazing his twin’s lower lip. Lost in his brother’s beautiful eyes.

(I mean everything I’ve said, with all my heart. You are my strength... and at the same time, I’m weak to you, too.)

(I wouldn’t have it any other way.)

He moves his thumb out of the way only enough to make space for his lips, brushing them against Saeran’s tenderly.

Soft, gentle and warm.

“I’ll always want you. And I’ll always need you. My one and only love.”

**Saeran**

Saeran shivers, both at the kiss and because... he can hear Saeyoung's thoughts in his mind, for what feels like the first time in forever.

(Finally... our hearts are connected again.)

So… what Saeyoung is saying… it isn't a pretty lie. It’s pure truth. The emotion coming straight from his brother’s soul.

It's not a lie...

Saeran won't wake up cold and alone...

"Thank you... for telling me. For holding me... I feel safe for the first time in weeks. So, please... don't stop."

They're exhausted, and have work to do, but Saeran is leaning in for another kiss anyway.

**Saeyoung**

(Oh... I heard you... I heard you...!)

His heart rate increases, his eyes widen, a smile touching the corners of his mouth.

(Thank goodness...)

“It feels good... ahhh... you...”

He responds to Saeran’s kiss with more energy than he’s had in a week, buoyed by the link that answers the longing of his thoughts. Much the same way that Saeran’s touch heals the loneliness of his body.

(I’m connected to you... and you to me.) He strokes down Saeran’s arms, revelling in the feeling...

(I feel like I’m alive and awake again at last...)

 _How_ could he have let his fear whisper to him that this bond was wrong, when everything, everything became so bright and whole and safe when Saeran’s voice speaks to him like this...

(I love you, I love you, I love you) he thinks as he seeks out his twin’s mouth again with kiss after kiss.

(I won’t stop holding you... I won’t stop loving you... so...!)

They can make it through this. He’s sure of it.

**Saeran**

His brother is so beautiful when happy, enthusiasm wiping away so much of the stress that had etched itself on his face.

(Feels like you're energizing me, too) he thinks, dizzy but wanting more. Every touch a brand into his skin, confirming that not only is Saeyoung here, but that Saeran is too. He's not some vengeful ghost, dead and hollow inside... He's so very very alive.

And Saeyoung recognises him.

"I love you, Saeyoung..." Saeran sobs into another kiss, hands clinging to his brother's shoulders. Voice cracked from all the crying.

**Saeyoung**

His heart... Saeran’s voice resonates and aches in his heart... he nuzzles against his brother’s cheek, loving and wanting only to comfort, until Saeran’s unhappiness completely melted away.

“Come to bed with me, Saeran. I’ll hold you until we fall asleep… I’ll cuddle you until there’s not a single tense muscle in your body...”

(Though...)

He glances at the snow falling outside, and the comforting fire...

“Oh… maybe the bed should come to us...”

**Saeran**

Oh...

(Like a fort, you mean?)

It sounds fun... which is something Saeran hasn’t really had since their father reappeared in their lives.

His own little rebellion doesn't count, driven by spite as it was.

"Let's give it a try."

His voice still sounds a bit rough, but there's nothing to be done for it. Just like there's nothing to be done about him not wanting to get up. Every limb feeling like lead. His brother his true comfort.

"Ah... But I don't want to stand..."

**Saeyoung**

"Mmmm. Then, don't..." Saeyoung murmurs, leaning into Saeran more, placing an arm at the small of his back.

Placing another kiss on his mouth... then his neck... his shoulder...

"You looked after me... allow me... I'll look after you too, my love, my heart... my angel. Saeran."

(I can go on my own... if you talk to me... you don't have to use your voice... I just... don't want to lose contact with you right now... you know?)

**Saeran**

Saeran bumps his nose back against Saeyoung's, sappy and understanding.

The food and fire made Saeran feel pretty good too, and the love kindling between them only stoked his mood even more.

"I know."

(And I'm glad we can talk like this again...) he adds, eyes soft.

Truthfully, Saeran feels like he needs his brother more than bed, but he doesn't want to sabotage this nice thing Saeyoung's doing for him either.

**Saeyoung**

"Okay~" Saeyoung hums, though his voice, too, is rough from the earlier crying.

He clings to Saeran a moment, kissing him more deeply than before. It has to last a whole five minutes, so, it’s gotta be powerful!

(Hmmm... not quite enough... I can't let go of you so easily...)

So he kisses Saeran's chin, and his neck, and - ah.

(The marks are so faded, now...)

It's not the right moment to make more just yet, but...

(A promise, for later...)

He nibbles at the skin there, gently, so gently, not enough to even create a ghost of pinkness against his twin's neck. Kissing a line across Saeran’s choker, too.

(Okay, I...) he stands, and Saeran turns up his face to watch him, and he's just so, so-!

(Gahhhhhhhhhh! I don't wanna leave even an inch between us!!!)

He drops back to the floor to give Saeran another cuddle. And a few more kisses, this time on each hand.

"Okay... this time for sure..." (Maybe just the blankets and pillows... then I can rush it...)

Which is what he manages to do, once he can tear himself away from his twin, yanking warm layers from the bed and tossing pillows in Saeran's general direction - though his throws are definitely still on the weak side, even with the power of love and omelettes behind him...

**Saeran**

The transformation Saeyoung's gone through now he's back and reassured really is something else. Saeran can't help but smile at every display of affection,

(You really are special... you know just what to say and do to make me fall in love all over again.)

There's really no question that he’ll always welcome Saeyoung back with open arms, is there? Saeran simply can't resist his twin, the one person who can complete him. Who makes him feel so comfortable inside and out.

(It's like you've hacked into my heart... oh, wait.)

Their bond is essentially just that, isn't it?

(Well, I'll welcome it if it's hacking like this... my thoughts are full of you anyway.)

There's no shame in his internal monologue either. Entirely upfront about broadcasting every thought and emotion...

He did say he'd talk.

And he's glad to have the chance to chat anyway, after days of radio silence. Mostly self-inflicted, but... For a good cause. More or less.

Catching the pillows and blankets thrown to him, Saeran arranges them comfortably.

**Saeyoung**

It's with relief he returns to Saeran's side, their separation still far too recent and raw to tolerate distance a minute longer.

Now... for the part that makes it worth having to separate, even if it was brief...

Saeyoung snuggles down into the blankets and pillows with his brother, enough material there that it feels like he's burrowing. "Saaaaeeeerannnnn..." he says, reaching out his arms, seeking out his twin so he can entwine and hold and love.

"Cuddle meeeeee..."

**Saeran**

Saeran can do better than that.

Just as Saeyoung had showered him with kisses, leaving Saeran dishevelled, he will do the same. Falling into his twin's arms and pecking his nose, before capturing his mouth intently for another long kiss. (I long for you...) he thinks as he does, because he’s spent _days_ filled with yearning to do exactly this.

"I'm so glad you're here..." Saeran says into Saeyoung's mouth. Repeating himself for the umpteenth time, but...

He’ll say it as often as feels right.

**Saeyoung**

"Ah..." he sighs back into Saeran's mouth, "you're making me shiver..."

(And not because I'm cold...)

"I ached for you all day and night, Saeran... me, too... I was so empty without your smile, your glances, your touch, your voice..."

He wraps himself around his twin as much as his limbs will allow, the earlier weakness and tension of his body giving way to a feeling just like becoming a liquid...

(I want to melt together with you... I wish I could exchange half my atoms with yours... I want to become inseparable)

A scary prospect in a sci-fi film, maybe, in this moment it's an understandable yearning.

He presses his lips against Saeran's chest, kissing anything he can reach, his hands seeking out Saeran's skin under his clothes, the need for compelte contact too compelling.

**Saeran**

(My body is yours) Saeran thinks, arching his back under Saeyoung's hands. (Every inch of me belongs to you.)

Distance has made Saeran ache for this touch, all too ready to please if it means his twin...

"Saeyoung..." he gasps, running a hand through his hair. Melting.

**Saeyoung**

"Your voice is so sweet..." Saeyoung hums in response, his twin's declarations leaving him shaking with a desire to touch every part of his brother he’s willing to offer. Which is, apparently, all of them. "I want to listen to it more... I wanted to hear it so badly...” He'd gone nearly a week without scent, sound, touch, taste... only photos of his twin to keep him company, and given their fight, those caused as much pain as comfort...

Except...

There had been that one moment, hadn't there... 

That moment on the plane home... (I felt you... though... like this... I remember... on my way back...)

He moves his hands to Saeran's hips, tracing their shape like he's never touched them before, and has to memorise every angle.

(Did you...? Reach out to me, then? It actually scared me at the time, it was so sudden and so strong... you...)

He pulls Saeran into himself more firmly, hands still on his twin's hips, letting his hands wander back to curve around the shape of his brother's ass.

(You were pretty turned on...)

His thoughts are only playful. No longer afraid his brother was with someone else. (What _were_ you thinking about?)

"Whatever it was, you must have been thinking... _really hard,_ " he smirks into Saeran's mouth, "to reach me across an entire ocean..."

Though, maybe he should give his twin an out, if he's not comfortable discussing whatever fantasy he'd gotten off to before.

"You weren't thinking about getting me nipple piercings, we're you...? Coz _I’m_ still thinking about that... gonna get us two rings... then put them on my chest, hehe~"

He's gone from soft to lewd in barely minutes, but the memory of Saeran's distant arousal is potent... not to mention hearing things like 'my body is yours'.

He's weak, so weak to Saeran...

**Saeran**

Saeran's cock stirs, body sensitive to Saeyoung's touch and kisses, and moreso to his words.

(Settling down to simply cuddle and sleep... Might be impossible after all, hmm.)

Particularly after their time apart, the happy reunion imbuing them with a second wind. He rubs up against Saeyoung, ass flexing against his brother's hands.

"Oh... That was..."

The memory of it sends another little shiver of lust through him. The video of Saeyoung, sucking so hungrily at his younger brother’s cock, so desperate to please him…

It had been a reminder to Saeran that he _could_ overpower his twin, claim him. Make him _stay_ and _listen_.

He wanted Saeyoung to remember that too. He'd felt so victorious when he thought he sensed a glimmer of his twin's echoed yearning from afar, he had cum on the spot.

"I was watching those videos we made," he explains, voice a little dark. A hand smooths down Saeyoung's chest possessively, to rest over his brother's heart... And a nipple, fingers rubbing at it through the fabric. "You can probably figure out why you ended up feeling it, right? You're not dumb."

Thinking about the stress of their time apart like this revives all the emotions he stewed in. They're weaker, but... They're there, writhing around his heart. Trapping it. Except now he can finally seek release. His brother is here.

Ready to receive everything Saeran has locked up inside, until there’s nothing left.

Saeran uses his free hand to grasp Saeyoung's chin, making his older brother look up into his eyes, read every emotion there, before he ducks his head into Saeyoung's neck and _bites._

(I'll mark you...)

His mouth works greedily, nipping and sucking and tasting every bit of Saeyoung's skin he can reach.

(Piercings or otherwise... I'll make you remember, you belong to me too.)

As if in encouragement, he pulls up Saeyoung's shirt up and over his pecs - exposing the nipples. "If we went to the beach wearing swimsuits, other people would see." Saeran observes, pulling back to consider them and the bruising now left along his twin's skin.

"Which isn't necessarily a bad thing..."

He flicks a nipple with his fingers, smiling at the thought.

**Saeyoung**

To think this was the same brother who'd been so needy just a minute ago. Not that it surprises Saeyoung. This is how they both are.

And really, this was still _need._

Just expressed with a different sort of energy.

An energy that swallows Saeyoung up greedily. He groans and writhes at every possessive touch and every rough bite.

(Yes... I wanted this too...)

He wants to belong to his brother so thoroughly, that separating again would be impossible. Saeran simply wouldn't allow it, and no matter his reasoning, Saeyoung would be compelled to obey.

Giving up his choice willingly, because he was Saeran's.

Much as the two of them played with roles in the bedroom, over the last few days he’d only had one powerful urge… which had answered Saeran’s own arousal so easily.

(These last few days… I wanted to break myself, so that no matter what new leads we found, how the situation changed, I'd be unable to ever leave you again, either, once returned.)

A small, quiet fantasy of his twin taking pity on his broken brother, forgiving him, and... never letting him leave again.

Saeyoung clearly couldn't handle life without his twin, right? (Then I'd never have to face a terrible choice like that ever again...)

"I want to..." Saeyoung exhales, shakily, "I want to show I belong to you in every way... Saeran... I'm yours... only for you... I want to please you... I want to satisfy you... I want to make my body a contract sealing me to you forever..."

The earring... he'd jumped so quickly at the idea once he'd thought of it.

Already desiring to create physical links to match every other link they had.

A desire that burns deep and dark inside him now.

**Saeran**

"Well..." Saeran deliberates, feeling the core of his brother's need, allowing himself to enjoy the thought of him so utterly broken that he can't be without Saeran...

Just like Saeran was for him already. Life had broken Saeran long ago. He’d only been able to piece himself back together thanks to his brother.

It helped to know that Saeyoung broke himself too, or came close to it...

(It's my turn to patch you up, huh.)

Whether or not it'd include piercings though...

"I like them being special." So, if Saeyoung still wanted one a year from now to commemorate their relationship going forward, Saeran is happy with that.

"A reminder of your commitment over the years... would mean so much more, don't you think?"

He pinches a nipple for good measure. Bending down briefly to flick his tongue over Saeyoung’s earring, too.

"If you want to prove your love to me, then I'm sure you can think of other ways." His voice comes out like a purr. "Maybe then I'll let you get one early."

**Saeyoung**

"Years..." Saeyoung moans happily, seizing on the idea "yes, years... we'll be together, no one will force us to be apart from each other like that again..."

His brother's tongue on his piercing feels like another promise, one he's desperate to keep.

"I'll prove my love as many times as it takes," he continues, dreamily. "I'll show you as many times as you want... that I can't be without you... your absence hurt so much... I longed for you so much..."

As Saeran's mouth leaves his earring and his brother pulls back to look at him, Saeyoung's heart responds with that longing.

Looking up at his twin's face...

(So beautiful... my other half is so beautiful...)

**Saeran**

Somewhat out of character, Saeran blushes at the direction of his twin's thoughts.

It's enough to change his mood slightly, cuddling back down against Saeyoung and pressing his face into his brother's chest, softly kissing across it.

(You always throw me for a loop...)

But only in the best ways.

"Show me your devotion, then," he murmurs against Saeyoung's skin, lips brushing across the left nipple as he does. "I want to see you as desperate as I was, hyung..."

With that, he pulls back entirely. Daring Saeyoung to come for him.

**Saeyoung**

The shiver that runs through him at the contrast of his twin's gentler kisses, that teasing brush at his nipple, and then -

\- that immediate craving at the absence of his brother's body as Saeran pulls away -

"Ah..." (Even this small a distance between us right now is untenable... too much for me to bear... I need you...)

He pushes himself up from the ground with his hands, then swings them up to grasp at his twin's upper arms, capturing his mouth and his tongue in a passionate kiss.

(I want you...)

He presses up against Saeran, again shifting a hand behind his brother's back so he can push him softly into the pillows behind him.

(I need you...)

Letting his kisses move to Saeran's jaw, his neck...

(I worship you...)

On his knees, bent over his twin, he moves down to kiss along Saeran's waistline.

**Saeran**

Saeran laughs lightly into the kiss, amused and overcome and simply enjoying Saeyoung's fervour.

He allows himself to pushed back into the pillows of their little fort - the world around them soft and muffled and warm. The only sounds the smack of their lips, or their breath...

(This is nice) he thinks idly, as his hands trace the muscles of Saeyoung's back the further down he goes.

So different from the last few days, where everything felt harsh and confrontational.

They still could have that type of sex, too... Certainly, their discussion had been heading that way. But Saeran prefers this, taking all the unquestionable devotion from their more intense moments and applying it more gently... Having it truly more about love than power.

After all, if he wanted to play that way...

"I was thinking of taking your marks away..." It would be a suitable punishment.

"Every time you hurt or left me purposefully, I'd take one back. You wouldn't be worthy of it anymore..."

Because... Because he shouldn't be taken advantage of, right? He isn't trash to be discarded... At least, Saeyoung certainly didn’t see him like that.

That's why... if he was treated that way by his twin, it’d only be fair.

"Then when there were no more marks on your body left to take away... ah, you don't want to know. But it's fair, right? Just, this time... I'll give you a pass."

Honestly, his threat is mostly empty anyway. He knows he'll just keeping returning to Saeyoung. They're twins. Each other's half.

(Why do you have to be so irresistible.)

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung looks up at his twin from where he's been kissing along his waist.

"Ohhh... Saeran-aahhhh... here you were calling yourself clingy and desperate, when that's just how _I_ feel, thinking about you releasing your claim to me... I'll lose my mind..."

He leaves a hand where it is, pulling at the waistline of Saeran's pants, but rises up again to hold himself over his twin, hair hanging down around his face as he studies his brother's expression.

He lowers himself down on his supporting arm so he's on his elbow, breath tickling Saeran's face. "But Saeran..." he teases, using his freed hand to trace the line of his brother's choker. "You've only got the one...  if I'm feeling hurt... should I take that away...?"

**Saeran**

Saeran inhales sharply. Eyes wide and watery.

(I didn't think...)

No, but it's only fair, isn't it? Saeran isn't innocent either, and he's the one who suggested it in the first place...

He swallows, and nods assent.

(Why is it you're still so alluring even as you say that?)

Saeyoung's face so close, yet so shadowed... Only his eyes golden-bright. Breath ghosting along Saeran's cheeks, and the possessive feeling of a hand at his throat...

It leaves Saeran feeling all the more desperate. "I don't want to hurt you either... I want to make you feel good. If... if I deserved it..."

Then Saeyoung absolutely had the right to take it all away.

(I won't bind you to me... Like we've been bound by others that made us suffer.)

He tilts his head back, submissive. "Since I hurt you too this time... I'm willing to take responsibility for it as well. I'll do whatever needed to please you..."

As long as they can stay together.

**Saeyoung**

(Oh...)

(No no no no no no no... I could never...)

Saeyoung brings both his hands to bear, now, resting on his elbows, holding his twin's cheeks gently.

"I could never... ever... I got so needy at that threat, I went too far..."

He kisses under Saeran's eyes, that have already shed more tears than he ever wanted to cause, the guilt squeezing at his heart. Moves his hand to kiss along a cheek, then down his neck to the choker, kissing it as well, following the line as best he can.

"I _want_ to be bound to you... I don't ever want to take away the evidence of where my heart lies..."

He moves back to gaze at Saeran's face, aching at how he's made his twin look...

(I'm never taking it back.)

"It's yours forever, like I am."

**Saeran**

The lips at his eyelids are strangely soothing, moreso than any tissues could be. Saeran blinks when Saeyoung pulls away, hiccupping slightly as his twin kisses along his collar, every word an impossible promise.

Then when Saeyoung gazes at him...

Tears once again fall unbidden. (I should be the one apologizing... I'm sorry I'm so afraid. I'm sorry I threatened you in the first place.)

It's so difficult to believe in forever. Agonizing to worry he'll hurt Saeyoung beyond what's fixable one day, but his brother will stay with him anyway. (Even now I can't trust myself... And it's so difficult to trust you no matter how much I want to.)

He's the one that doesn't deserve this love.

"I just want... for everything to be better," Saeran sobs, frustrated that it isn't. Frustrated that _he_ isn't.

**Saeyoung**

Again, he's reminded of how much easier Saeran's life might be without him...

How many tears has he made his brother shed, for loving him like this...?

(It hurts...)

But even as he thinks about his role in Saeran's tears, he's clinging to him, stroking his hair, pressing his cheek against his twin's and kissing his shoulder.

(...that you've had to suffer again... both of us... again...)

And again, his fear... about being a bad child... leading his twin down the wrong path... being punished for what was inside him before he even knew... hot tears prickle at his own eyes again, blinking into Saeran's shoulder wetly.

He shouldn't cry, too... he should be comforting Saeran... he should...

(Do you still regret... loving me? Do you wish you were... with... someone else...?)

He shudders.

(No... I don't.... I don't know if I can handle hearing what you think about that... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have asked... I'm sorry...)

It's tough, sometimes, when your thoughts can be communicated so easily before you have a chance to think them through yourself.

**Saeran**

(I ruined it) Saeran thinks, glumly.

They were having a good time, they were happy again, and he ruined it. Emotions still running high, for all they were trying to put them aside and simply indulge in each other's love again.

And here he'd hoped to put their difficulties off until tomorrow... after they had both finally gotten some much needed rest.

But now Saeyoung is crying.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

(I don't regret loving you... just... I think, that you might be better off without me.)

Like now. If Saeyoung was in love with anyone else... would he be crying right now?

Saeran doubted it.

"It's all my fault."

He's the bad one. The unworthy one. Always has been.

**Saeyoung**

"No!" He makes them both jump with how suddenly he chokes out the sound into Saeran's shoulder, half a sob.

"No..." he continues, more softly, his own heartrate skyrocketing after the outburst. "I'd rather cry a week with you than spend a day smiling, with half my heart gone..." He drops himself to the side, so that he can pull Saeran into him that way, head on the pillow next to his brother, eyes taking in all he can of his love’s face...

"I love you, Saeran. It's _because_ I know you're the one I want, that I-"

(...it's _because_ you're so important to me... that I’m crying.)

He touches Saeran's hair, wanting to pull him into his chest, but not wanting to be unable to see his eyes...

"I want to share everything with you, Saeran... our love, but also... our hurt... everything... I'm an idiot, thinking if I just work hard enough, I'll always make you smile... no couple is like that...it’s joy _and_ pain…"

He glances down.

(I'm sorry... I don't know if that even made sense.)

**Saeran**

"...it made sense."

Saeran adjusts himself a little, pulling down his clothing to rest more comfortably, though over Saeyoung's arms. Likewise, his own snake back on Saeyoung's shirt.

The mood is gone, but... he still wants to hold and be held. "And... it's just... the way I am."

This negativity he was prone to was on no one, but himself. Neither Rika or their mother could claim responsibility for it. Nor could Saeyoung. Not when he's always had it buried deep inside.

"When we were children..." he starts, hesitantly, "you would talk about the most beautiful and amazing things... and always try to make me happy. I could see how much it meant to you to be positive. That's why... I never mentioned it..."

The way things were going though... he should. Having Saeyoung think it was because of his trauma, or anything he did himself... it was wrong.

"Back then, I thought about killing myself. What would happen if I disappeared... it felt like life would be better for everyone that way. That feeling has always been a part of me."

Yes, he had happy days. Yes, he's the happiest he's ever been now.

That doesn't mean those darker feelings are gone.

(I can't help but think it sometimes... it lurks on the very edges of my mind, along with everything else wrong with me... it shadows everything.)

"So... don't cry over me too much."

**Saeyoung**

"I'm so glad you're here..." Saeyoung whispers, heart aching at the thought.

That this feeling had been inside Saeran so long, that he hadn't been able to sense it, to talk to him about it...

"I'm so glad you're here..." he repeats, wanting to say it a thousand times more. He pulls Saeran closer, hands moving to his back, leg entwining with his twin's. The most comforting position in the world, to him. As close as they can be to each other's bodies without lovemaking.

"I'm sorry that I didn't realise... but... I'm glad you told me..." He brings a hand to Saeran's head, stroking down the side, along his ear, his neck, before running his fingers back up again, to repeat the motion.

"Thank you... I want to be there for all of you, Saeran... I want to be there for you no matter what you're feeling..." His eyes study brother’s. Both twins’ eyes look pretty exhausted, red rims around sets of gold and green. But still, the universe... his whole universe... mirrored in those sea-green depths... so much unknown, so much to know... he could explore his twin's universe forever and never reach the end of it...

(My own darkness... a mirror... too...)

But in both of them, stars.

"I'm not gonna promise anything about the exact volume of my tears, but, I'll stop trying to take on your happiness as my responsibility... When I'm stressed, it's easy to... to think that's the solution."

(But you don't have to smile all the time for me... that's not what makes me love you. Not even a little. Though it's a beautiful smile, and it's always welcome...)

Saeyoung smiles, then, shaky and weak more from emotion than anything else.

"I'm just so relieved to be at your side again. Even with all... all the crying we're doing... haha... every tear is worth it."

(Things will be easier again. They will...)

**Saeran**

Placing a hand on Saeyoung's cheek, Saeran slowly caresses the shape of it with his thumb. Wiping away the tracks of tears.

"Being with you makes life worth living," he confesses, voice hushed. It felt sacrilegious to speak any louder. "I'm grateful to be here with you, too."

Tonight has been messy, shifting from one emotion to the next, and their issues are far from clear cut. Nevertheless, Saeran is glad to be alive. So that he can wrap himself in his brother, just like this.

He blinks again, slowly this time. Drowsy after so many tears and extremes. "Let's continue tomorrow..." Saeran yawns, curling up in his brother's arms.

(Warm...)

**Saeyoung**

(Ah... I adore you...)

"Okay... that sounds good..." Saeyoung agrees, still stroking his twin's hair.

(Going to sleep with you... waking up beside you...)

"I love you..."

**Saeran**

"You, too..." Saeran mumbles, already half asleep.

(I'm glad we talked... sweet dreams.)

Safe in Saeyoung's arms at last, he can already tell that tonight, he’ll be free from nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's still more obstacles for them to conquer, to free themselves of their father and the Agency.
> 
> But at least they can do it side by side T_T


	6. A pretty virus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a tearful night sleeping together on the floor by the fireplace, the twins put the finishing touches on Saeran's work to take down the Agency for good.

**Saeyoung**

The twins both sleep long and deep, for the first time in weeks.

As the evening transitions to dawn, the flames in the fireplace grow smaller and smaller – it’s the cold that eventually wakes Saeyoung. Finding himself entwined with his brother, but with half his body now out of the blankets. Only the parts in contact with Saeran remain warm.

_Saeran._

Even as the discomfort of the chill air at his back sinks in, Saeyoung remains motionless as his mind replays the night before. He should get up. Add more fuel to the fire. Wash off the stink of the last couple days.

But Saeran is still asleep, and Saeyoung finds the idea of leaving his brother’s side before he wakes completely unthinkable.

And besides. Watching his brother sleep… is worth feeling like half his body is freezing solid.

**Saeran**

Saeyoung isn't left watching and freezing for too long. As if in sync, Saeran stirs - at first pressing his body more into Saeyoung's, seeking out his heat, and inhaling deeply.

(...!)

There's no mistaking his brother's scent. Particularly as unfortunately rank as it is.

But even with the smell of unwashed Saeyoung, Saeran doesn’t want to move. Moving meant acknowledging the new day. Which meant more work. The Agency and their father both still needed to be dealt with for good.

Still. He can’t lie here in this cabin with Saeyoung forever.

So he grimaces, disentangling himself and sitting up, only now hit with the cold air as the blankets fall from his shoulders.

(...good morning.)

**Saeyoung**

"Yeah... good morning, Saeran..."

He follows his reply with a small kiss against Saeran’s nose, partly from affection, partly to solidify for himself that this is real.

"I'll get the fire going again... the room will be warm soon..."

(And if you're happy to wait I can bring you breakfast in bed.)

But first, he flomps over to wrap his arms around Saeran's waist, his cheek pressed against Saeran's side.

**Saeran**

Saeran appreciates it, carding a hand through Saeyoung's hair momentarily.

"You do all that... I'll check up on what’s happened while we slept."

Saeran's been careful, and set up his phone to alert him if any of the many threats he’s monitoring make a dangerous move. Still, might as well get out his laptop and ensure all the traps he’s set for the Agency have been keeping them occupied.

**Saeyoung**

Small flames still flicker between remnants of logs in the fireplace. Saeyoung adds some more wood, and gets the fire licking up to the new pieces easily enough, though it’ll take a little while for the room to warm again.

When he turns back to his twin, Saeran already has his laptop out, the glow from the screen mixing with the light from the fire, highlighting his skin and eyes in a way Saeyoung struggles to look away from.

(...so handsome...)

Saeran's eyes flick up to him at the thought. Saeyoung colours. It hadn’t been an intentional message. In their time apart, he’d grown complacent, used to all his thoughts, no matter how strong, staying only in his own head…

(...going now~)

He moves into the small cabin kitchen, to start their breakfast. There’s enough to put together something palatable. Canned meatballs (at least 65% meat!), tinned tomatoes, some beans... some dried herbs... another cup of rice...

After a little prep, Saeyoung sticks his head back into the main room.

"I'm just gonna shower while the rice steams..."

**Saeran**

Any other time, Saeran might have taken that as an offer. Unfortunately, work beckons. There’s been movement near the bunker. Though the added defenses Saeran’s temporarily put in place should more than dissuade anyone from even trying to break through Saeyoung’s normal, already paranoid, security measures.

"Okay. I'll take one after you."

Then Saeyoung could take over for him... he knew the Agency servers best, after all. They can probably end at least _this_ aspect of their problems today.

Wrapped in blankets in front of the fire, after such an emotionally draining night... Saeran finds his concentration a little lacking. And as much as he’d do it all again, he feels greasy and unkempt after a night with Saeyoung on the floor. He doesn’t even want to think about how his hair looks right now. Though it’s probably still better than Saeyoung’s.

(Saeyoung…) Unlike his twin, the thought is quiet and only for himself.

Already longing to feel the warmth of his twin sitting at his side again.

Saeran shakes his head. Focus.

First: there's been attempts to cut off the bunker's power, which would be a big problem since it's where their servers are located. It'd cut off the messenger and their email communication... it's a crude method, but sometimes the simplest solution is best. Still, the Agency clearly has no idea just how many upgrades and fail-safes Saeyoung has installed over the years. Saeran living with him had only _increased_ Saeyoung’s desire to enhance his already ridiculous security.

Saeran is taking advantage of those improvements now, to secure the solar panel and back up energy generators. Anyone trying to reach those places will need to deal with a wall of fire... digitally _and_ physically.

Then of course, was fixing the tracking hole he’d set up on his brother's phone... before anyone else realized it was there to abuse.

That's easier. With that done, all Saeran needs to do is read and send some encrypted emails to C&R on the new activity from the Agency, and offer guidance on a few questions that came up over the last few hours.

It's a lot to tackle. Saeyoung is done with his shower way before Saeran’s finished.

**Saeyoung**

The cabin’s shower is nothing fancy, and Saeyoung has to run it a while before the water stops being brown and cold. Though he steps in well before that point, all too aware it’s a limited resource, a large insulated rainwater tank their main source of water.

Still, as paltry as the shower is compared to the one at the bunker, it still has the effect of making Saeyoung feel like he’s hatched from a cocoon. Days of grime and sweat and tears washed away in minutes.

Saeyoung takes the time to wash his clothes in the shower too. Once he’s done, he wraps a towel around his waist and drags a small rack out to the main room to hang his dripping clothes over, so that they can begin to dry in the warmth of the fire. Pausing a moment to let the heat dry him a little too, before heading to the bedroom to drag out a tightly sealed box of miscellaneous clothing. The cabin inherited lots of shirts he’d received as ‘gifts’ from his friend Tom, along with other random stuff he’d gained for missions, so the selection is… interesting.

He selects the warmest looking sweater:

Relatively dry and in clothes that smell faintly of cedar, Saeyoung heads back into the kitchen to finish preparing their breakfast and some tea. Once it’s ready, he ferries everything back to where Saeran is working, dropping beside him on the couch at last.

He leans into his twin softly, trying not to interrupt him when he’s still working.

“Food’s ready.”

**Saeran**

Life wasn’t easy for Saeran when his brother was strolling around in a towel. Eyes drawn to the bare skin, and how the fire makes it glow even more golden. While Saeyoung had remained in the room to dry out, Saeran had to put in triple the effort to concentrate on his work. A frown creasing his brow, he’d sulked inwardly. Forcing himself to stare at lines of code rather than the alluring silhouette of his brother's body... (The world is so unfair).

When Saeyoung returns fully dressed, it’s a blessing as much as a curse. But the food tips things over to ‘blessing’. Though Saeran can tell working anymore with his brother next to him like this is going to be hopeless the moment he catches his scent. Plus the food.

But mostly him.

As soon as Saeyoung touches him, Saeran is pushing the laptop away with a sigh.

(It's hopeless to work like this... all I think about is you.)

He takes the tea gratefully to begin with, letting the food sit aside for a moment. Before they eat, he really should explain exactly what he's been doing... he doesn’t want Saeyoung to take a proper look while they’re eating and choke on his food, after all.

"...After this, I'll need you to take care of some things for me," Saeran begins, all business.

There’s no nice way to say the next part.

"I've been going after the agency.” Already he feels Saeyoung’s body go rigid against his. “So far so good, but... there's details I'm stuck with that I think you'll be better at handling."

There.

(Don't freak out.)

**Saeyoung**

"O...oh... okay..." Saeyoung says, stalling while his brain catches up with this information, still basking in the sweeter sentiment from his twin a moment before.

(...)

(...)

(...)

And here he'd thought his twin had been relatively safe while he was overseas. He can't hide the spike in his heart rate from Saeran, or the way he starts to nervously toy with the food on his plate, but he does his best to keep his voice level.

"I have some questions..."

(Did our father hire them?)

"...but... I trust that you've been handling it until now... I remember what it was like..."

Going up against his brother, hacker versus hacker... some missions were more physically taxing, and more immediately dangerous to his life, but only Saeran had ever challenged him enough in _that_ realm.

And Saeyoung had been the Agency's best.

"You're not someone they could mess with easily."

So...

He takes a deep breath.

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... see... I'm not... freaking out..."

(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

His hand goes back to Saeran's thigh, and he breathes out.

(...aaaa)

He closes his eyes.

Lets the warmth from Saeran's thigh relax his fingers.

Breathes in Saeran's scent.

Listens to the crackle of the fire.

Bites the corner of his mouth...

(...I'm kinda glad I didn't know...)

(Knowing that was happening while I wasn't with you...)

**Saeran**

(That was kind of the point. A stage I set to show you... how it felt to watch you do all that on your own, too.)

Except he could have taken it much further. But the relief of having Saeyoung back had overpowered his darker impulses.

"I wanted... to do something for the both of us as well. I couldn't let you do all the hard work."

It was a show. Of power, of ability, of worth... but also protection. Love. So many factors led to Saeran's decision, some good and some bad.

(And I admit...)

(I wanted to see your reaction.)

Only, the reaction when Saeyoung saw him again had given Saeran his fill of validation. There was no need to provoke his brother further to get what he wanted.

"We do have a connection between them and our father at least." Unsurprising considering all the dirty work the agency got up to. So really, facing them was inevitable.

"I've been attacking them to distract from the intelligence team gathering information, and from you. Our styles are similar enough they probably think I _am_ you."

Another reason he's been wearing Saeyoung's hoodie, though right now it's packed into one of his bags. Saeran wore a jacket that was far more winter appropriate when driving up to the cabin.

"... Anyway. I didn't want to rely on Rika... In case the information you got from her was no-good too."

(Though it did inspire me to check her apartment.)

"I couldn't let the RFA or you know... Both for safety reasons, but because I knew you'd all try to stop me. This way we've covered all our bases."

Already, the habit of switching between thought and spoken word is creeping back, it all too easy to let the conversation move between both as he explains himself.

(Plus, it gave me the chance to scare you.)

"...So that's that. Now you know everything that’s happened."

It feels good to tell Saeyoung the entire story. It feels good to have Saeyoung here and _listening_. Exactly what Saeran had asked for in the first place.

Reaching out, Saeran takes the hand on his thigh and gives it a squeeze.

**Saeyoung**

This rebellious side of Saeran is... familiar.

Saeyoung has lashed out himself enough times, masking bitterness with playfulness, though not against his twin. It’s something he hadn't indulged in nearly as much once he'd gotten his brother back. And, not really at all, since they became lovers.

Conflicting feelings mix in his chest at Saeran's confession. The fear that Saeran could have been hurt, taking a risk like this.

The pride that he hadn't.

And guilt. Though there’s always guilt.

"If I'd known you were at the apartment, I would have tried to get into the systems there remotely to watch over you... and disable the bomb..."

(Though the bomb is a weird sort of protection of its own...)

One of the reasons he hasn't removed it yet.

 (...)

"...I get it."

He presses his forehead against Saeran's upper arm, squeezing his eyes shut and pushing the thoughts of what could have gone wrong out of his head, as much as he can.

"...but..."

His voice gets that faintly familiar whiny note.

"Don't... go kicking any more bee hives without me, please? I won't go on any more overseas trips to visit ghosts, either."

(I know you're capable...)

(I know you're smart...)

(But I...)

(I don't want to face these things alone ever again. I don't want you to, either...)

**Saeran**

"I understand... let's move forward with the best intentions."

As much as they can, anyway. Saeran is not so naive to believe that this will be the last time they open old wounds, even with their mental connection. Healing completely, or enough to get by, will take longer than they’ve had so far.

But...

Saeran will take it.

Tilting his head, Saeran presses a kiss into Saeyoung's hair like a promise.

(Oh... You smell good. Clean.)

Come to think of it, he should shower too.

**Saeyoung**

(I'm glad... I felt bad making you breathe in my sweaty self all night, haha... at least you couldn't forget I was there, right?)

As Saeran finishes breakfast, and looks like he's going to leave to shower, Saeyoung can't help but lean over his twin to lightly take his hands. "I'll start familiarising myself with everything going on... but before you go..."

(...kiss me?)

(...I gotta recharge my battery... and your lips are the only contact point that'll work...)

**Saeran**

"Are you sure it won't just make you get your wires crossed?" Saeran teases with a little smile, glad they're falling back into their playful intimacy.

Nevertheless, he obliges... kind of. Leaning in to kiss Saeyoung's cheek briefly.

(That should be enough for a boost.) Anything more and there was a real danger they'd get distracted.

"If you want to fully recharge, you know that might take a few hours," he smirks.

**Saeyoung**

"A few hours, you say…”

He frees Saeran from his grasp with just a smaaaaaallest amount of hesitance to communicate the sacrifice (such sacrifice) it takes not to continue to cling.

As Saeran leaves, Saeyoung pulls his twin's laptop over, and starts to familiarise himself with the things Saeran's currently working on.

(...it's almost as beautiful as Saeran...) he thinks to himself, admiring his brother's rigorous attacks. Well-considered, well-implemented.

**Saeran**

It feels good to peel himself out of his clothes, which really were not made for sleeping in. Let alone on the floor, parts of Saeran now aching. At least, unlike Saeyoung, Saeran doesn’t have to wait for the water to warm. The shower helps ease the strain of sleeping on hard floor away. Taking the respite, he remains in the shower until the water starts to run cold again - by which point he’s fully satisfied.

Drying off, he changes into clean clothes – and one somewhat less clean item – Saeyoung’s hoodie.

It _is_ cold, and it's a very comfortable and warm piece of clothing...!

But his intentions are obvious when he returns to the living area, settling beside Saeyoung with nary a word.

**Saeyoung**

At first, Saeyoung’s thoughts are focused on the code, concentrating hard enough it’s not difficult for Saeran to pick them up.

(...exception at line 542... no, that's what we wanted... so why...)

(Hah! Can't believe they left this set up even after I left... they clearly haven't hired anyone thorough... would've made Saeran's life easier if he'd had access to it but... there. In. They're not even going to realise we're already...)

(already...)

(alre...ady...)

(...)

Saeran sits next to him, and Saeyoung's fingers stop moving. Much like his thoughts, having caught a glimpse of his twin, and that familiar pattern.

Despite the fact that the air at his back is cool, away from the fire, he can feel a wave of heat over his body like he's broken out into a sweat.

(hhh...)

"....h-hi..."

He's trying very hard to keep his thoughts clean and his heart from pounding and his fingers from reaching out and-

(...)

He swallows.

(I can't start any of those promised hours yet, right?)

**Saeran**

Usually Saeyoung is the twin that's particularly cat like, but right now Saeran can give his brother a run for his money. Smile distinctly shaped like a cat's mouth.

"Are you done yet?"

(If you're not, then you'll have to wait.)

**Saeyoung**

"N-not quite yet... I still want to block off their ability to..." he stutters, outlining the part of the Agency's attack that so far Saeran hasn't quite locked down, though he's done a great job at keeping them at bay.

He keeps his eyes on the monitor the whole time, not trusting himself to behave if he gets a proper look at his twin doing what he's already fantasied about several times since Saeran brought it up to begin with.

(...t-typing...)

He raises his hands off the keyboard, flexes them, and places them back down. Staring intently at the screen.

Trying to keep his thoughts to himself, but they're all too, too obvious, and it doesn't help that they're about Saeran. It only makes their link work better.

(...then...)

(...this server...)

He manages a few lines. He manages a few lines.

(Is he wearing a shirt under that? I- NO DON'T LOOK)

(...and the database here will... god... I want to...)

He inhales deeply, attempting to calm himself, but that only gives him a real noseful of the nostalgic, comforting smell of his hoodie mixed with Saeran...

(my chest is going to explode... line 45,567... remove the reference to 'argent' replace with 'argent_bak'... my fingers under the fabric against his ski... hah... over-write there...)

He makes progress, and in all honesty he's doing a great job, working with the Agency security second nature, barely any surprises given how intimately he knew their systems... plus he'd left himself a lot of little backdoors into basically everything as a matter of course when he left...

(-then all I need to do from here, is...) Saeran shifts, leaning over his shoulder to get a better look at what his brother has just completed (hhhhhhhhhhh)

(I'm getting punished for my sins, aren't I...)

His thoughts are a whirlwind. Still, he gets through the last thing he needed to do for now, and maybe only a little more slowly than he would have otherwise. "I...I... think you should take a look and see if you agree... if you see any problems... I'm... going to get a glass of... really... really cold water and maybe.... stare at the wall for a minute."

The very non-adorable, non-attractive, non-sexy wall.

**Saeran**

Watching Saeyoung sweat is pretty fun, though it does nothing for Saeran's own self-control. Libido flaring at every distracted comment, making him lean further up against Saeyoung.

Only watching his brother type, focusing on the work, helps restrain his desires. That doesn't mean he's about to let Saeyoung wander off.

"Don't go... you need to watch what happens next."

Leaning over Saeyoung, in a way that only increases the heat between them, Saeran scrolls quickly through the additional code - used to skimming in a time crunch. Satisfied, he opens up a separate command prompt, and...

"I'm going to give them a surprise. You might like it too."

Proceeds to transfer and activate a very nasty virus.

(That will keep them busy long enough for C&R to release information on their existence, and for us...)

Well.

It buys them the few hours Saeran had promised, didn't it?

**Saeyoung**

Every little successful zombification of a server, a personal machine, a phone, bringing them all under the viruses' thrall, is like a little burst of endorphins.

"Ahh..."

It's the kind of thing that, in a movie, would be replaced with some giant rotating hologram of a red cube spinning across a map, a bunch of other cubes slowly changing from green to red, "INFECTED!!!" flashing above them as they went.

In real life, tracking their success is much more mundane, though Saeyoung still adds the special effects in his mind.

It's... hot.

To a certain kind of person.

A Saeyoung kind of person.

"You... it's breathtaking..." Saeyoung turns his head to grin at his twin, the thrill of their shared victory making him temporarily forget that Saeran is wearing -

"Aaah."

(I can't handle it... I can't take it... Saeran...)

"Saeran... I've only got the smallest shred of decency left in me right now. If you need me to do anything else tell me in... hm… in the next ten seconds..."

**Saeran**

"Contact Jaehee." Saeran responds immediately. Before they both forget.

(Then I'll reward your passion, hyung.)

Who knew working together like this could be such a thrill?

(I guess this is one way to make a boring task exciting, huh.)

Busying himself, Saeran shuts each and every connection as Saeyoung fumbles for his phone.

**Saeyoung**

There's a few missed calls and texts, but nothing urgent from the look of it, just RFA members wanting to hear he's okay from him directly.

He can log into the messenger later and formally say hi to everyone...

But not yet...

He turns his back so that he's leaning against Saeran, but not able to see him.

His fingers fumble at the call function, nearly dialing Jumin twice, but making it through to Jaehee in the end.

She answers immediately, and is both delighted and horrified to hear what the twins have achieved.

"I'm glad both of you are on our side..." she adds, with no small amount of admiration.

Saeyoung hears Saeran shut the laptop lid with a satisfying click.

"Y-yeah... me too..." he responds, recalling the virus and how elegantly it had been constructed. "Saeran and I... work well together... though he did most of the work this time..."

"It's good that you two are together again. While I have you-"

(Aaaaaaaaaaaaa please I wanna gooooooooo)

But he listens and answers Jaehee's other questions dutifully. Suffering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the delays, life got in the way... I'll reply to people's comments soon, it really means a lot that there are people looking forward to the updates T_T You guys keep my spirit alive! ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶
> 
> I'll hopefully have the next MetaStar update within the next couple days, then this fic again ^^ I'M DETERMINED I REALLY WANNA FINISH POSTING BOTH SERIES SO THAT I CAN READ THEM BOTH MYSELF FROM THE START. Then I'll truly reach nirvana... ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ


	7. Celebrate with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter is very NSFW!**
> 
> If you read this series for the fluff and the plot, well... there's a little fluff, but almost all this chapter is them finally making out now that their emotions are a little more stable and their immediate work is taken care of. There's a lot of fluff and plot coming, though!
> 
> And if you read this for the smut most of all, well, good news haha.

**Saeran**

Raising an eyebrow at Saeyoung, Saeran debates whether or not to make his brother's life harder as he chats with Jaehee…

And chooses to be nice. Logging into the messenger instead, leaving a very brief update as part of a chat with Zen. Essentially letting the others know that neither he or Saeyoung may be available. Zen frets, but trusts them to stay safe. Saeran lets the actor know that he, too, has an important role coming up... and to wait for more details.

As Saeyoung finishes his conversation with Jaehee, Saeran exits the chat with the briefest of farewells. He doesn't wait for Saeyoung to make the first move - tossing aside his phone and then doing the same for Saeyoung's, just as there's an audible _click_ of Jaehee hanging up.

"Celebrate with me," he mutters, right before claiming his twin's mouth.

**Saeyoung**

If watching the virus spread was like a feature film in Saeyoung's head, then the kiss is like fireworks.

Fireworks you can wrap your arms around, without getting burned.

His hands find the hem of Saeran's shirt under the hoodie in less time than it takes for his lover’s tongue to penetrate his mouth, fingers sliding up against Saeran's newly washed skin.

(Teasing me... touching me... crafting pretty viruses...)

His fingers splay at Saeran's back, not satisfied, not nearly satisfied with how much he can touch with just two hands...

(I was already seduced, now I don't even know the words for what this is.)

He tugs at Saeran, closer, closer, the feel of his own clothing mixed with the sounds of his brother at his mouth...

(You know how to get my attention... and I always want to give it to you...)

**Saeran**

"Haah..."

The kiss is wet and desperate, Saeran already breathless when Saeyoung places hands on his skin.

(I like... making you want me.)

It feels good. A rush of validation every time. Shifting, Saeran sits himself into Saeyoung's lap. No longer playing coy.

Between the two of them, they've got a fair about of repressed desires in need of release.

(I thought you might need a reminder, when I've waited so long for this...)

**Saeyoung**

"Saeran... I want you... I _already_ wanted you..." Saeyoung's losing it early, the pressure of leaving his twin alone when he looked like that... when he was wearing that...

Already pressing up against him, presumptuous and not caring in the least, holding Saeran's hips in both hands, fingertips still maintaining contact with his brother's skin under the shirt and hoodie.

"What you're talking about... is over-writing my entire brain with you... Saeran... and congratulations... you succeeded..."

(Hacked my heart...)

(Now you've hacked my mind...)

(There's no defence powerful enough that can keep me immune to your every attack...)

He leans back, then, taking his time to look his brother up and down.

"It looks good on you..."

He wants to keep this image of his twin... on his lap... in his clothes... he wants to burn it into his mind.

**Saeran**

"...when you look at me like that... I feel like you’re seeing my soul."

(Right through all my anxieties and loneliness... to my very core.)

Looking back at Saeyoung, Saeran imagines he can do the same. See the beauty in every aspect of Saeyoung's essence, bright and good.

(You're a burning star... with a gravity I can't help but be pulled in by.)

Any worldly fears have no place in this space between them, which is becoming less and less as Saeran leans forward to capture Saeyoung's lips again.

**Saeyoung**

(Then, I promise I'll only warm you as I pull you into my orbit~) Saeyoung returns, tilting his chin up to receive his brother's kiss with enthusiasm, hands stroking, encouraging him to stay close, thumbs resting at the top of the line running from his hips to his pelvis.

(Wearing my clothes like that... being so... so!)

"So lovable..." Saeyoung murmurs into his brother's mouth. "So irresistible..."

(So clever... so stealthy... doing all this without a single person catching you... my elusive, brilliant lover...)

His hands stroke up to Saeran's back, the sound of the fabric against skin another charm, another little spell to take him deeper.

(But, allow me to catch you... allow me to hold you... my kisses will leave your wings intact...)

As Saeran leans into him, taking his every breath and thought hungrily, Saeyoung's fingers reach just under his twin's shoulder blades, and Saeyoung feels it, invisible wings, unfolding, closing around them both.

Two lovers fallen from heaven, but making their own perfect moment on earth.

**Saeran**

What an imagination Saeyoung has... but Saeran is into it. How often had he thought of himself as an angel, bent on deliverance?

He can still be that creature. Except now he is free to fly where he wished, rather than at the beck and call of an arbitrary Saviour. If that meant spurning Paradise to create his own private Eden with Saeyoung... his choice is clear.

The arms circling Saeyoung's shoulders are protective, his gasps a holy chorus. (You can have me, my dear brother. You're the only one that can. There's no one else like you...)

Pulling back for air, Saeran rests his forehead against Saeyoung's. Panting lightly as he gazes at his twin's face, while a hand smooths down his arm. Mapping the muscle. (So captivating...)

Anyone who denied the handsome features of his brother had to be crazy. Saeran's already struggling to resist the wet shine of his twin's lips, and he's busy trying to breathe.

(...you really do take my breath away.)

The praise Saeyoung gives him only makes it harder to speak, Saeran's cheeks rosy from shyness and pride.

"I..." he starts, voice husky, "I wanted... to make an effort for you."

Whether out of spite, or out of love, Saeran wants Saeyoung to see how much he invests in their relationship.

(You deserve the best... My best.)

**Saeyoung**

"Mmm... you flew so high, no one could follow you..."

Saeran's touch along his arm has Saeyoung blushing a little himself, drinking in the admiration. "An angel who hurls such perfectly-constructed lightning at our enemies and yet alights on my lap so softly like this..."

Saeyoung has always felt his brother was a blessing from heaven, and the deeper he gets to know his twin, the more divine he becomes. Intense and purposeful.

 (And that you chose to stay with me... you, someone so fierce and charming and sincere... I'll do my best to make you glad you chose me...)

Saeyoung runs his hands back down Saeran's body, curving from his back to his hips once more.

"Now, what should I do to show my appreciation for such a beautiful show? All those little machines dancing to your tune... that deserves something good..."

**Saeran**

Okay, the floral praise is getting too much. Pressing his face into Saeyoung's shoulder, Saeran laughs weakly.

"Give me a minute... I can't handle all your purple prose."

It's left his cheeks burning and mouth curling in a cringe. It's lovely Saeyoung has such a talent, but... sometimes it was just embarrassing.

And as much as he desires to express how much Saeyoung means to him, Saeran's often left at a loss. (This feeling... Is too big to describe anyway.)

However, his body seems not to be nearly so no concept of mortification. His skin feels electric from his twin's hands, every nerve left on edge. His cock strains half-hard against Saeyoung's stomach. (I want to kiss you again...)

So he does, albeit less intensely. A sweet meeting of lips.

"Don't put it all on me... you worked hard too. It wouldn't have been possible with you."

(I'm... not possible without you.)

Shifting his kisses, Saeran works his way along Saeyoung's jaw. Gentle and devout.

"If you want to please me... then just being with me is enough," he breathes, reaching Saeyoung's ear and kissing the piercing there. "Ah, I'm open to further suggestions though."

**Saeyoung**

"Heh..." Saeyoung runs his hands down to his twin's thighs. "You're so modest... for someone so precisely targeting all my weak points~"

(I missed you so much...)

"I can't help it, Saeran-ah~"

(Just like I can't help wanting to touch... every part of you...)

He takes Saeran's hand, placing the tips of his twin's fingers lightly on his lips and kissing them.

(If listening is too embarrassing, then you can just watch me....)

Then he's licking up the palm of Saeran's hand, kissing the tips of each finger. Teasing one with his tongue, he takes it into his mouth and sucks at it messily, golden eyes looking up at his brother, framed with long lashes that can't hide his lust.

Not that he's trying.

**Saeran**

"Oh..."

Saeran was weak enough to anything which involved hands already, be it holding... or kissing...

And Saeyoung knows it, with the way he's putting himself on display. Eyes focused on Saeran's face intently. Clearly targeting Saeran's vulnerabilities just as much as Saeran had taken advantage of his.

It's exhilarating.

Saeran presses his fingers into Saeyoung's mouth, pressing down on his tongue and massaging it with the tips. Taking control. "I can see how enthusiastic you are," he coos, while finger fucking his brother's mouth, "watching you go is pretty mesmerising..."

There is a certain intimacy beyond sex that involves hands... and trusting someone to worship them with their mouth rather than bite down.

Saeran can't help but groan with how it makes him feel. "Hyung... Saeyoung, I love you... I love you."

It needs to be said, over and over until it feels like it sticks. Binding them together forever in their most raw form.

**Saeyoung**

Such sweet words from his brother leave Saeyoung moaning around the digits in his mouth, jaw slacking a little, a shimmer of drool creeping out the corner of his lips. Hearing things like that… he’ll never get tired of it.

His eyes glitter at the sight of his twin, Saeran’s lips parting so enticingly with his groans and his words.

(I’ll protect that voice, those words, just as much as you protect me, my love…)

(I might embarrass you with praise, but I’m fierce too. I’ll strike down anyone who seeks to harm you, too.) He lets the fingers slide back out, glistening with his spit, pressing the hand messily to his cheek and nuzzling against it.

(I’ll fight by your side every step of the way. And I’ll lick your wounds…)

(…and everything else…)

**Saeran**

Saeyoung may be sincere, but Saeran laughs anyway. The joke is awful...

Rubbing Saeyoung's cheek appreciatively all the same, Saeran drops his other hand to Saeyoung's waist, inching it up his shirt.

"If you intend to put your mouth everywhere, should I take this hoodie off?"

**Saeyoung**

"No... maybe everything else, though..." Saeyoung grins, keeping the hand on his cheek covered with his own.

He moves his hands to Saeran’s thighs, stroking them, still looking only at Saeran’s face.

“I made you a promise a week ago, though…that I’d leave some marks of my own for you… I haven’t forgotten.”

A finger traces from the top of Saeran’s right thigh down to the more sensitive inner area, tracing circles.

Or perhaps they’re targets.

**Saeran**

How could Saeran forget?

He makes a point to lean in and nip impishly at the marks he’d already left at his twin’s neck earlier. Particularly at the pulse point, laying his tongue flat there.

(I really can feel your heartbeat now...)

**Saeyoung**

He’s vulnerable, with his twin’s mouth pressed up against a major artery like this. After being on high alert for the last fortnight, slipping back into the skill set he used for so many years… There are many little pieces of Agency training waving at him from the back of his mind right now – _this is how you push someone back, this is how to deflect a blow, you should move, you’re vulnerable to attack right now_ –

He happily silences the voices, though he listens to the one telling him how vulnerable he is.

Because being like that with Saeran is bliss itself.

He hums as Saeran presses his tongue to Saeyoung’s neck, the sound deep and warm.

(Only you… cause me pleasure by putting me in a situation like this…)

“Saeran~” he continues his hum sweetly, his words musical. “Saeran, my lover~”

Words mixing with pulse, both shared between them through their physical contact.

**Saeran**

"Who else?" Saeran challenges, before biting down almost to the point of skin breaking. Making his claim.

Once satisfied, Saeran pulls back and gently runs his thumbs along the mark, soothing away any hurt. That too is a possessive gesture, hand right at Saeyoung's throat.  

(That's right... you're mine. My lover.)

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung trails his fingers up his brother's arms over the hoodie.

He's giddy, loving both the attention and the possessive touches and marking. "I'm yours, yours, yours~ No one else can catch me, either~"

(We'll run circles around them, anyone who tries to keep us apart!) Now his hands drift across Saeran's neck, to the zip of the hoodie.

It's not coming off just yet, but...

(I wanna unzip you...~)

He gently pulls at the zipper until the hoodie hangs open, then runs his hands beneath it, leaning in to cuddle his twin, his face pressed against Saeran's chest through his shirt.

(Can hear your heart too... thump, thump, thump...)

Drifting a hand down to Saeran's pants... (Shall I change the rhythm?)

He traces the outline of his twin's stiffening cock from the other side of the fabric, his other hand creeping under his brother's shirt once more to tease at a nipple.

**Saeran**

Still on Saeyoung's lap, Saeran squirms. The only option is to press back against his brother, which Saeran does with a soft gasp.

(This is where we belong... Where I belong. In the depths of your heart... under your influence.)

Saeran's pulse is definitely picking up.

"Shall... shall I lie back?"

**Saeyoung**

He rubs his cheek against his twin's chest.

"Mine, mine, mine~" he hums again, still muffled, "but, yes, let's make you comfy."

They shuffle around until Saeran's on his back on the cabin couch. Saeyoung's hands _both_ seek out Saeran's pants now, slipping underneath the fabric - though like this, there's not a lot of space for them to go far.

(Let me see you... Saeran... let me touch every inch of your skin...)

He tugs at the hem.

(It's been too long... I'm desperate to touch you more...)

**Saeran**

 (…I was so scared every day.)

Afraid he'd never get to see Saeyoung again. To touch him like this... equally terrified of the thought that the time away from each other will change them. Like how Rika had changed him.

(Show me nothing's changed... touch me, bring us together in every way possible.)

There's no mistaking the desperation to Saeran's own thoughts. He arches up his hips, helping Saeyoung pull the pants away.

"Saeyoung..." Saeran calls to his brother. Exposed. Any pretence gone, only his honest feelings communicated in his gaze...

And his body. Erection standing stiff, quivering in anticipation.

**Saeyoung**

(Yes… I‘ll prove it to you.)

He… he wants to tease more, to play more, but also…

It’s been too long…

It’s been far, far too long.

(Just… a taste of you…)

But it isn’t just that. As soon as his lips meet the tip of Saeran’s cock, his twin arches upwards and Saeyoung responds in turn, filling his mouth with his brother (yes, yes, god, I missed you, I missed this, we fit together so well…)

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung's mouth is too impossible to resist, warm and tight. Saeran's hand finds his head naturally, fingers digging into his hair in encouragement.

Being apart hadn't changed how easy this was.

"Aah..." he moans, the deeper Saeyoung swallows. All it takes is a few shallow thrusts to be brought to the edge.

"I could come right now..."

His voice is dreamy, revelling in the fact rather than disappointed. There's no reason to be.

(I missed you so much... my body craved you. I feel like I could come again and again, now that I have you back...)

**Saeyoung**

(Do it. Please. I need it...)

He swallows desperately, running his tongue along the underside of his brother's dick, lapping and encouraging his inevitable orgasm.

(Again and again... claim me, cover me, fill me, make me yours again Saeran, make it impossible to doubt... that you want me... show me...!)

His twin's hands in his hair only drive him wilder, Saeran's need clear, but...

(Push me harder, take me deeply...)

Saeyoung feels Saeran's cock buried to the hilt and he sucks, teases, begs.

(Please...!)

**Saeran**

All it takes is for Saeyoung to beg, Saeran thrusting forcefully as he comes - cock pulsating in his brother's mouth as it coats the back of Saeyoung's throat with jizz.

Even Saeran's fingers are knuckle white, a stark contrast to the red hair they're gripping. Ensuring that Saeyoung takes every last drop of his cum.

(Saeyoung, Saeyoung...!) Every thought and feeling cries, as Saeran himself gasps.

(Yes – you’ll take all of me... you’ll always… accept all of me.)

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung swallows, trying not to let even the smallest drop escape. Normally he's all for a mess but... tonight he wants to keep everything of Saeran’s close. Every bite mark, every drop of semen. A part of him.

Nothing sacred but each other. Nothing holy but their union.

He holds his mouth where it is long after Saeran stops, his twin, too, not releasing his grip on his hair. There's a slight dizziness, given breathing with a dick in your mouth isn’t exactly easy, but much more important is his desire to not separate yet.

The first time he's done this since returning... a promise fulfilled.

Saeran's hands release their grip, and Saeyoung slowly, carefully raises his head to look up at his twin.

(I love you...)

"Saeran..."

He's rock hard right now, but before he does anything about that, he needs...

"I love you, Saeran..."

He wriggles up to nestle against his brother's shoulder, stroking his chest.

Still hungry for more, but also...

(So much... I love you so, so much...)

**Saeran**

"I believe you," Saeran responds throatily, still feeling the euphoria of his orgasm. Of Saeyoung's efforts to bring them ever closer, promise fulfilled.

Taking one of Saeyoung's hands, Saeran interlinks their fingers and brings it up to his mouth for a kiss. "Nothing can come between us... not the agency, not Rika... not the world. It doesn't matter what's right nor wrong, I can see you won't let anyone keep you from me."

The acknowledgement is powerful, causing Saeran to shiver himself regardless of any refractory period.

"Me, neither... I love you, I'll confirm that for you as much as you need it."

(I can do it now, if you ask.)

Saeran's free hand trails down his twin's side suggestively.

**Saeyoung**

(A-ahhh... I... I want...)

Saeyoung is just as on-edge as his twin was.  Wanting for so long. Pining for so long.

“Please, touch me… show me every part of me is yours…” He nuzzles against their intertwined fingers while shivering at the hand trailing down his side.

**Saeran**

Hearing Saeyoung outright ask feels...

(Good.)

It'll feel even better to have him strip, leaving no doubt about his consent and desire for their illicit acts. Affirming Saeyoung's need for his own little brother.

"I can't do much like this, hyung." Saeran points out sweetly, trapped under his brother's body as he is. "Can't you sit up? I could help you out of your clothing that way... if you want to be free of it?"

More than anything, Saeran’s fishing for more of his twin's yearning.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung is wriggling off his twin to sit up before Saeran even gets out the last word in his sentence.

His honey-coloured gaze drips with need. "Saeran... please, help me... it'll feel so good if your hands are the ones stripping me... I thought about it so much... I dreamed about it."

**Saeran**

Sweeping his eyes over Saeyoung, Saeran makes a show of observing his twin. Partly because Saeyoung begged him to, partly because he genuinely enjoys the sight.

"This isn't a dream," he comments helpfully, though it's as much of a reminder for him than it is for his brother. (It's real... you're real, you're here. This feeling can't be denied.)

Obligingly, Saeran tugs at the hem of Saeyoung's shirt, pulls it up as fingers ghost along the skin of Saeyoung's torso.

"Put up your arms," he starts, tone demanding.

**Saeyoung**

The kind of demand Saeyoung is all too happy to receive from his younger brother.

He wants to feel his twin's fingers demand just as must as his tone.

(Anything... for you...) he thinks, feeling the shirt raise over his head, trapping his arms. The taste of his twin's cum still lingering on his tongue, in his mouth, and his throat, and his belly...

(Saeran _.._.) His touch is _everything_. _Everything!_ The way he shifts between sweet and teasing to demanding and rough, the way his voice rings in Saeyoung's mind, the way he responds and adapts to Saeyoung's own shifting whims.

Saeran is his _everything._

**Saeran**

The shirt comes off, and the contrast between them gets a short laugh from Saeran.

(Here you're without a shirt, and I'm without pants.)

Saeran draws Saeyoung in, kissing his stomach, then chest, then up to his mouth. Thoroughly tasting himself on Saeyoung's tongue, Saeran gives his brother a final quick peck before ducking down to unzip his pants. There's very little preamble to it, no teasing words or dragged out touches. Rather, Saeran pushes the pants down methodically, before pulling back and giving Saeyoung a once over. Eyes lingering on his cock with an unmistakable greed.

"Look how eager you are..."

**Saeyoung**

Unashamed, Saeyoung grins, a hand dropping to the head of his dick to lightly play with the glistening precum there, giving Saeran something more to look at.

"I woke up like this so often, dreaming about you... not just the last couple weeks, either..." Saeyoung smirks. (Thanks to you, my reality is better than my dreams...)

"My body knows... what's good for me."

His other hand traces lightly across the new marks Saeran has already left on his skin. "And you've made it look so lovely~ I should write my name on your foot in permanent marker so that everyone knows you're mine, too~"

**Saeran**

(Permanent marker...?) Saeran ponders, though his eyes are glued to Saeyoung's cock. Watching how his twin slowly pleasures himself for his sake.

"Drawing on one another could be fun," he agrees, imagining beautiful patterns along Saeyoung's body like a tattoo... his own has long since been removed, after years of deliberation whether or not to keep it as a reminder of his past. But that itself proved to be a reason to get rid of it, the tattoo being too much a mark of ownership and worship.

Nevertheless, he'd enjoyed the design aspect. It was one of the few things he appreciated V teaching him... and that he remembers Saeyoung encouraging when they were younger.

Lost in the thought, Saeran reaches out to trace a flower pattern briefly on Saeyoung's hip with a smile. (Do you remember? I could barely write, so you told me to draw instead... I still recall how you praised me.)

A treasured memory. One of the few not taken from him at Mint Eye, buried in the depths of his heart.

Saeran's hand slinks down, covering Saeyoung's hand with his own, joining his brother in jerking him off.

"You don't have any more doubts, right? You've accepted it. This is who we are."

**Saeyoung**

“Mmm… this is how we are? Handsome? Talented?” he teases, through tiny pleased sounds as his twin’s fingers brush against his as well as his erection, both sensations filling his mind. “I’ve known that about you for years~”

**Saeran**

Saeran scoffs a little.

(As if... I was the "cute little brother" in your mind and we both know it.)

Would a cute little brother bend down to encompass the head of Saeyoung's dick in his mouth though?

... Probably. This one would, anyway. Though the act is far from cute.

**Saeyoung**

(Oh... m-my cute little brother is…)

But even thoughts are suddenly difficult with this.

“Haaaah, S… Sae…ran…”

But his need to provoke (risky, given where Saeran is right now, but Saeyoung loves putting himself in Saeran’s hands… or anything else) gives him enough motivation to get out, through panting, “o-oh… how cute… adorable…”

**Saeran**

Each compliment makes Saeran suck a little harder, and he pushes Saeyoung's hands back to his hips, trapping them there, so he can take the erection more fully into his mouth.

Honestly... it can be nice to be called cute on occasion. But that's not why he's into it. It's more the knowledge that they could be construed that way, that Saeyoung was overcoming... No, he was _turned on_ by the idea of his cute little brother sucking his dick.

And Saeran was enjoying it too, lips enthusiastically sliding up and down his big brother's cock, turning it slick with saliva and semen.

(I love your taste, hyung...)

**Saeyoung**

Linked as they are, their minds go to the same place.

"Yes..." Saeyoung pants, keeping himself mostly still now, letting Saeran control the pace so he can stare down at him, at his twin's lips pushing down over his penis, his eyes half-closed, hands gripping his own... "There's no doubt that I'm more turned on by my own sweet little brother on my dick than anything else in the world... I need him more than anything else... I love  b...aaaaaaaahhhh...!" It can't be helped, he's been waiting for this too, too long, and besides, they have plenty of time left to continue to cuddle and fuck more, so it's fine, right...?

Even if it's not fine, he can't...

"Saeran...!"

Shuddering, his balls tense so hard he can practically feel them pressing up against the base of his cock, pumping into his younger twin's mouth without hesitation. His body responding to Saeran, needing Saeran... only Saeran.

To have ever denied himself this feeling seems ridiculous.

Saeran and he were meant for each other.

**Saeran**

Like his twin, Saeran tries to swallow it all - and makes a good attempt, though he chokes at one point and needs to pull back, coughing slightly.

(Sorry...)

Nevertheless, the mess is pretty minimal. Saeran's able to clean it up by wiping his face and shirt. He makes up for the rest by leaving butterfly kisses around Saeyoung's stomach and thighs, spoiling his brother with little affections.

(I love you...)

**Saeyoung**

(You're so sweet, my one and only...)

Saeyoung kneels down to wrap his arms around his twin, pulling him close to his chest and licking at the corner of his mouth, getting a taste of himself mixed in with his brother's saliva.

(Oh... more...) He kisses at his brother's face a couple more times, gentle, like his twin had been, but then he moves to Saeran's mouth and kisses him deeply, the evidence of what they've done easy to detect.

**Saeran**

"Mmn..." Saeran moans into the kiss, voice lilting at the end. Pulling Saeyoung back down into the couch so they could cuddle while they make-out.

(Promised I'd charge you up.)

**Saeyoung**

(That’s a nice sound…)

Tangling his legs with Saeran’s, he runs a hand up one of his twin’s rangy thighs, tracing the sinews, the tension and release as his brother rubs up against him.

“Saaaaeran-aaaaaah~” Saeyoung hums again, the contrast between their tension last night and this relaxed, warm feeling making him just want to continue to play, fuss, adore. “You’re so good… you’re so warm… so easy to cuddle~”

He nuzzles against his twin fondly.

**Saeran**

Sharing in the mood, Saeran bumps his face up against Saeyoung's. "I missed this," he admits. "This touch, the closeness... The way you say the honorific with my name. How cute you get after sex... the brightness in your eyes..."

(I...could go on...) Saeran curls his toes against the back of Saeyoung's legs, becoming more clingy.

"Thank you... for coming back."

He hadn’t actually said it out loud until now. But he means it.

**Saeyoung**

Wriggling at the praise, Saeyoung squeezes his twin gently. "Thank you for taking me back..."

His fingers stroke at Saeran's skin.

"For a while, I thought you didn't want to... so I tried to convince myself that I should let you do that... if that's what you wanted." The memory is still fresh, and still aches, even if he knows it isn't true now.

"But I couldn't imagine going on without you... couldn't stand it... so I came here to cry and work out what to do. Mostly cry, haha..."

His voice is gentle. "I'm glad... you were here. I..."

He falls silent, the thought trailing off.

**Saeran**

"I'm sorry for making you cry." He places a gentle kiss on Saeyoung's lips, seeking forgiveness he already has.

**Saeyoung**

"I'm sorry I made you feel so lonely, too..." Saeyoung returns the kiss just as gently. "I'll kiss you as many times as you need every day from now on... I'll hold you... and I need it just as much... I don't want to go a day without hearing your voice or looking into your eyes ever again."

(How else is my soul going to get its daily dose of cuteness?) he asks playfully, now running his fingers up to Saeran's shoulders. (And I'd definitely be short on sass...)

Saeyoung kisses his twin on the nose.

**Saeran**

Saeran accepts it with a coy little smile, eyes turning into crescent moons.

"Ah... I'd like that."

(Though...)

(Talking on the phone... I don't mind that every now and then.)

Getting to focus on Saeyoung's voice and only his voice... Knowing he was waiting... Anything that heightened the senses and involved a degree of implicit trust was a turn on. He's learned that much about himself through this, at least.

**Saeyoung**

He pulls a thoughtful expression, lip quirking up a little. "Hm. I guess sometimes that can be fun. I... liked the thought of you touching yourself while watching videos of me... that really..."

He gently nibbles along Saeran's jaw, dragging his hand down from his hair to his neck, slipping a finger under the choker and tugging at it oh-so-slightly.

(...that was hot...)

**Saeran**

Saeran's lips part in a little gasp at Saeyoung's attentions. Heat kindling again in his chest.

(Already...?)

Then again, Saeyoung always had much more stamina than he did. And they were talking about some fairly erotic things...

"I couldn't help myself." Saeran admits. "If I couldn't have you... I at least wanted to remember the time I did."

He squeezes Saeyoung  meaningfully, tilting his head against his twin's kisses.

(The real thing is so much better.)

**Saeyoung**

"The real thing can hold you when you're done," Saeyoung agrees, "which is definitely one of my favourite parts."

(Hmm...) he adds, letting the finger under Saeran's choker slide down to rest at his collarbone. (I just wish I could have watched you, watching me... is there such a thing as a recursion kink~?)

He grins and takes his gentle nibbling to Saeran's neck, in no rush but enjoying exploring his twin's body all over again.

**Saeran**

(Dunno.) Is all Saeran thinks, distracted. Pressing hands into the small of Saeyoung's back, content to let his brother kiss him as he pleases.

Besides, it's nice to simply hold one another. Breathing in each other's scent... Fire crackling... Snow still falling outside... Who knows when they'll get to leave this place? Road blocks aside, certainly there's no going back to the bunker until they have the clear.

"When we’re free..." Saeran starts, mind drifting and catching on that thought, "what do you want to do first?"

**Saeyoung**

With a soft stroke of his brother's side, Saeyoung takes his mouth away from his twin a moment to answer.

"I was thinking it'd be nice to stay somewhere... like the hotels on the beach, so we could get up in the morning and walk by the waves... I know it'd be cold, but..."

He grins. "That's why hot chocolate exists."

"But, I kept thinking, while I was away, how many things I wanted to show you... how much you'd want to try a particular food... what desert animal you'd like the most... what would be your favourite word in each language..."

He closes his eyes, imagining taking Saeran walking with him through the streets of some far-off place...

"Yeah... whatever it is, I wanna do something new with you."

**Saeran**

Going to explore far off places, finding new things to see and do...

Saeran is happy where he is, so long as he has Saeyoung, but he'd definitely be happy to go do those things too.

On the topic of languages though...

(You already made me pick up Arabic.)

**Saeyoung**

"As a security measure, yes..." Saeyoung replies, grinning. "But aren't you glad you know how to say "'I like big paws and I cannot lie', and 'All hail the King of Cute' in Arabic?"

His fingers write the word 'habib' in arabic script on his twin's flank: حبيب

**Saeran**

"With our free time, maybe I'll pick up a new language and change all the locks," Saeran threatens, mostly joking. Squirming happily up against Saeyoung. "See how you like it."

**Saeyoung**

"Are you gonna try to turn me into a popsicle, Saeran-ah?" Saeyoung responds in mock-horror. "Made to draw sad faces in the frost on the garage window until you let me in??"

(...I do seem to remember you sulking about having to say some of them, heh...)

**Saeran**

"They were embarrassing!"

_Saeyoung_ was embarrassing. Saeran can't beat him on that front at all.

Huffing a little, he squints at his twin.

"You'll only have to worry about it if you're gone long enough for me to do that anyway."

**Saeyoung**

Delighted by Saeran's reaction, Saeyoung pokes at his twin's cheek, his grin practically dividing his face in half.

"Oh~? I don't know what you're talking about~"

He meets Saeran's huffy gaze, eyes sparkling. "Then, if I'm not gonna have a chance to find out the hard way..."

"What exactly is it you'd make me say out in the cold on the doorstep, anyway? Any requests? Maybe I can just say them to you now~"

**Saeran**

Puffing out his cheeks, Saeran inwardly appreciates the banter and can't quite hide it - eyes sparkling at Saeyoung's antics. It's talking about little things like this that he treasures.

"Hmmm," he exaggerates, thinking how to answer. "Rather than making you say something..." Saeyoung already said so much of what Saeran wanted to hear anyway.

"I'd make you sing. In tune."

As much as he loved his brother and enjoyed his musical predisposition, Saeyoung did struggle hitting certain notes. The eccentricity of his tone was strangely charming.

(It'd be a love song, too…)

**Saeyoung**

“We could use the camera software to get me to do a dance, too~” Saeyoung suggests, after kissing his twin’s cheeks, a gleeful peck on each. “Maybe I should do a cha-cha? A samba? A tango, for you~?”

He chuckles. “Of course, this means you’ll have to dance for me when _you_ want to come inside. I look forward to it.”

**Saeran**

"I don't know those dances," Saeran rebuffs, tone light. "If you wanted to teach me though, that'd be another story."

No doubt dancing with Saeyoung would be a lot of fun, his twin already energetic and emotive with every move. His kisses proved it.

"...you know, it really feels like you've opened my world. Given me the chance to learn all these things I never would've known."

**Saeyoung**

“It should have been like that for you from the beginning,” Saeyoung responds, a little fierceness colouring his voice, though none of it directed at his twin. “I wish I’d been able to run away with you at the beginning. I wish I’d kissed you at the beginning, too.” He cuddles Saeran close, stroking his waist and his hips, like he can smooth out the regret he feels via the motion. “I know it’s a pointless thing to say now, but. If we could have run off together…”

He smiles then, not wanting to let the mood drop just from that one regret. “…think of how many times I could have kissed you by now. So many kisses. So many. Though…” he lightly brushes his lips against Saeran’s.

(One life is not nearly enough to give you all the kisses I want to. But I’ll do my best.)

**Saeran**

Saeran gives his twin a kiss for good measure, since they're speaking of it...

Unfortunately his thoughts run a bit darker.

(You never know... If we ran off together, we might not have survived long enough to kiss as much as we have.)

In a depressing way, their life had equipped them with the skills to survive against all that was out to destroy them.

(Maybe it's twisted, but I'm glad... to have made it here with you.)

**Saeyoung**

(Y...yeah... you have a point)

There's no way two unskilled kids on the run could have combated their father and the agency this way.

And without their connection to V, they wouldn't have been able to enlist Jumin's help now.

(Maybe this was the only path we could ever have followed...)

His relationship with his faith has been fraught since he'd discovered what had happened to his brother at Mint Eye... but sometimes it did feel like maybe there was some kind of plan, after all.

"Maybe all this has helped me become a man that can treat you the way you deserve to be treated, too..." he adds, stroking Saeran's face again. "Teens are dumb... I probably would have sucked as a boyfriend at 15..."

(F... figuratively).

**Saeran**

(You sure?) Saeran's face is briefly cat-like again.

Nonetheless, his brother has a point. At 15...

"I'd just have ended up relying on you all the time... clinging and crying as usual."

Though he wonders how far he’s really come since that. The last week shows he still has plenty of room for growth. "...I barely know how to talk to you as a lover now, I'm so inexperienced..."

(I could barely handle the distance between us even for a few weeks...) All Saeran had wanted to do was chase his twin brother down until they were together again, regardless of the emotions that motivated him at the time.

(If we had been together then… it probably would've been a lot unhealthier.)

Comparatively, anyway. They were still committing incest. Obsessed with each other. Saeran leans his face into Saeyoung's hand, kissing the palm.

"I love you... I was just thinking about how glad I am that we're together. It might be fun to imagine going back in time... preventing all our pain, but... I want to pay attention to you here and now."

**Saeyoung**

"And here you are talking yourself down when it comes to communicating as a lover..." Saeyoung says fondly, running his thumb over his brother's lips. "You're much more eloquent and mature than you give yourself credit for, and..."

His gaze focuses on his own thumb... his identifier, along with the scan of his eyes, at the agency...

Had Saeran looked at any of his mission reports while he was hacking the agency?

(P...probably... not...?) he thinks to himself.

They didn’t exactly put Saeyoung in the best light. Even if it was his job, he’d been part of some unpleasant things himself, over the years.

His mission briefings were only part of the story, too...

"..."

He blinks at the sound of another log cracking in the fire.

"...and you're much better... at some things..." his eyes flick back to Saeran's. "There's a lot to admire in you."

**Saeran**

Saeyoung was worried about something. Saeran could tell, though their connection was distant enough in that moment for him not to get any details.

He hates it. He wants to be on the same wavelength all the time, no distance in spirit as well as body. There's one way he knows how to bridge that distance.

Saeran draws Saeyoung's thumb into his mouth, lightly sucking at it. Tongue tracing the underside of his nails. A very intimate, deliberate gesture.

There's no mistaking the direction his twin's go in then, eyes blown wide.

(I try my best.)

He wants to please Saeyoung after all. Any doubt surrounding his own skills fell to the wayside for that.

Hearing Saeyoung admit that he was better in some ways did make Saeran's heart squeeze though, both in delight and worry. "I always thought you were much more skilled than me at most things... and I think it's still true," he murmurs, pulling Saeyoung's thumb from his mouth. A string of saliva connecting them.

"Did you want to hear them?"

**Saeyoung**

How could he ever resist his twin? Saeyoung wonders, heart beat quickening, eyes darting from his brother's lips to his own thumb.

How had he been by his side all those years without kissing him? When nothing, no one could capture his thoughts like this?

Well.

Guilt.

And shame.

Naturally.

He doesn't linger on those feelings now.

"I'll just as happily listen to you list my flaws, my one and only..." Saeyoung offers, eyes going back to his brother's lips. "But if you want to praise me, Saeran-ah..." he brushes his thumb over his twin's lips again. "...I'll do my best not to get shy~"

The flirty lilt to the end of his words is accentuated by the way Saeyoung's eyes half-lid, looking through his lashes at his brother coquettishly.

**Saeran**

"You? Shy?"

No such thing. It's both a flaw and a virtue.

(At least, you've never come across as shy.)

Not in the way that Saeran gets, much more capable of engaging others and putting himself out there. He kisses the pad of Saeyoung's thumb.

"You... know how to speak to others, and are good at making friends. You're not awkward at all."

**Saeyoung**

It's true. There's very little that can embarrass Saeyoung, too many layers of defense between him and the critique of others.

(Only one person's opinion of me can send colour to my cheeks~) he responds playfully.

Much like how only one person has ever been able to hack his digital defences, he considers.

(Guess I've always been weak to him, no matter the type of attack - sweet or otherwise.)

"I have to point out," he adds, fondly, "that when people hear you, they're inclined to listen. Your words are fewer, but they carry weight."

The only issue is, of course, that sometimes people wouldn't give Saeran a chance to win them over - whereas Saeyoung would bulldoze into their attention whether they were looking to give it or not.

**Saeran**

" _When_ people hear me," Saeran emphasizes, very much on the same page as Saeyoung. "On the other hand, people tune you out after a while."

Usually because his twin couches so many of his real thoughts in nonsense.

"I guess we really do work better together." He leans forward to capture Saeyoung's lips in yet another kiss, while his hand trails up and down his twin's side.

**Saeyoung**

Holding the kiss and his twin's cheeks, Saeyoung deepens it (my tongue is silver, your words are gold...) he thinks.

(Your tongue is...)

But he doesn't finish that thought, too captured by the kiss.

Eventually he come up for air, letting his hands rest at Saeran's collarbone lightly.

"Haaah... your mouth in general, is..." Saeyoung breathes, dizzy "...compelling..."

**Saeran**

Shifting against Saeyoung, Saeran glances downwards pointedly at the reaction of his twin’s body.

"Is that what you call it?"

**Saeyoung**

"It's... one of the adjectives I'd use," Saeyoung agrees, rubbing up against Saeran's leg a little, shameless. "But after all, I've seen so many examples of what you can do with it, if course I'm inspired~"

He kisses down Saeran's neck warmly, wetly, taking his time as his hands curl over his lover's shoulders.

(I'd better get more EXP or you'll level up before I can~)

**Saeran**

"Ah... what do you mean?" Saeran asks, while tilting his neck. Genuinely curious and confused. Not by the video game analogy - he understands that.

How could he ever become a higher level than Saeyoung though? (It isn't as if I'll go kissing anyone else. Only you.)

There's no hiding his own enthusiasm, arms latched around Saeyoung's waist as he rubs his growing erection against his twin's thigh.

**Saeyoung**

(Hah... but each of your kisses feels like it's gotta be worth double, coming from you... each one is so potent)

He presses his thigh lightly back against his twin, stimulating him further.

"And I just want you more and more with each one..."

**Saeran**

Leaning back, Saeran smiles at Saeyoung indulgently. Letting his hands wind their way back around his brother's torso, pressing into his stomach.

"I thought that's the point...?"

One hand starts to trail lower, stopping right at the pelvis.

"I want you, Saeyoung." There's no mistaking his meaning in this situation. "Of course I'll work to make you want me too."

**Saeyoung**

Not for the first time, Saeyoung's heart skips looking back at his brother's face... it's not the face of the scared child he'd been so protective of when they were kids... and it's not the face of the lost, hurting adult he'd met in the mountains those couple years ago.

It's his lover's face, gentle and beautiful and treasured.

And so, so charming.

And at his lover's words, he presses upwards, wanting that touch Saeran teases him with. Wanting him.

"You might find there's not much work to be done at all, there."

**Saeran**

Maybe not. Saeran already well and truly recovered from his last orgasm, leaning back in and smoothing hands up Saeyoung's torso as, until finally he's close enough to nuzzle against his lover's cheek and whisper into his ear.

"Mm... let's do something you thought about when we were apart, then."

**Saeyoung**

"Well..."

He _had_ promised to leave marks on Saeran’s thighs when they’d talked on the phone what feels like forever ago. He strokes along one of them as he brings his mouth to Saeran’s ear, nibbling the lobe gently.

(There's not nearly enough evidence of me on you, yet.)

So he wriggles downward, tracing kisses as he goes, each kiss a little lighter than the last.

Finally, at the top of Saeran's thigh, he pauses, hot breaths close to his brother's skin. Then sucks hard on the skin, leaving a red, tender mark behind.

**Saeran**

"A... aah..." Saeran moans. His thighs more sensitive than he expected, particularly when Saeyoung kisses down his body like that.

Saeran's thighs tremble slightly, and he widens his legs invitingly.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung practically buries his head between them, the top of his head tantalisingly close to his lover's balls, just far away not to offer any kind of stimulation.

Not that Saeran isn't being stimulated.

(Maybe I should just write my name on you with these…) he teases, nibbling more gently along Saeran's inner thigh. (So many letters, though... it might take a while)

He switches to licking, keeping his touches varied so that Saeran can never tell exactly what's going to come next.

**Saeran**

If anything, the suspense, and having Saeyoung’s mouth so close to his cock, only makes Saeran's arousal worse.

Unable to resist, he wraps a hand around his erection, slowly palming it as Saeyoung focuses on his thighs. Each touch and kiss and lick electric.

Then the suggestion of marking his name into his flesh... Saeran shudders. Almost ready to come from that alone.

(Do it... claim me. Make me yours.)

**Saeyoung**

His twin's reaction sends a thrill through Saeyoung's body, too.

(Yes... touch yourself... I wanna see you do that while I mark you as mine...)

He traces the first letter of his name into Saeran's thigh with a fingernail, with enough pressure that the skin first shows the shape in white - the skin around it turning a little pinker as time progresses.

He continues writing with one hand, licking wetly up Saeran's leg as he does it.

(There's the next letter...)

He pushes Saeran further and further with each touch, his mouth teasing as his hands inscribe his name.

Finally, he licks up to Saeran's balls, and begins to lap at them from underneath as he completes the name on his twin's thigh.

(There. You're mine, Saeran.)

**Saeran**

"Always..." Saeran pants out, strokes now much stronger and faster than before. Becoming completely undone by Saeyoung's efforts, "Always... yours."

Simply having Saeyoung between his legs isn't enough. Saeran wants to embrace him too... So he stretches a leg over Saeyoung's shoulder, foot digging into his brother's back. Encouraging his face to press more up against his balls and taint.

(Your mouth... is so amazingly sweet.)

**Saeyoung**

(Oh, something you want?) Saeyoung teases, already taking his licking lower, letting a hand join his mouth to caress and gently squeeze.

He can still smell the slight sweet fragrance from the shower soap on Saeran's skin, though his skin tastes more like salt.

(I love it when you want me this badly... when you ask for more with your body...)

The wet sounds of Saeran's hand on his cock and his short gasps for breath only drive Saeyoung further. He wants to push his twin more, too.

Cupping his twin's balls in his hand, he nuzzles downwards, Saeran arching against him as he finds his brother's asshole, already tight and twitching from his masturbation and Saeyoung's teasing.

He circles his tongue around it, then pokes his tongue just a little into his warmth, Saeyoung's head providing gentle pressure against his twin's taint.

He can't help but revel in how completely perverted they both look right now. (So lewd... jerking off like that, with your brother tonguing your ass... I love it...)

**Saeran**

The tongue pressed into his ass feels a lot nicer than expected, Saeran gasping again from the pleasant sensations.

(If its lewd... if it's dirty, I don't care, if you can make me feel this good...)

They were far past the point of no return anyway. Almost sobbing with need, Saeran twists his hand around his cock, raising the tension.

"Ah... your tongue... you're going to make me come..."

**Saeyoung**

Encouraged, Saeyoung penetrates deeper, feeling Saeran give way to him despite how much his muscles clench against his movements and the sensation of Saeran's own touching.

(Good... I want to feel you come around me... I want to hear you...)

**Saeran**

Well, Saeran's definitely vocal - a moan with almost every breath, pitch changing up and down.

With Saeyoung's pushing him, both literally and figuratively, a shudder wrack through his body. Clenching down against Saeyoung's tongue, Saeran reaches a climax easily. (Don't... Don't stop...!) He begs internally, even as cum splashes against his stomach.

It feels too good to want Saeyoung to simply end it this way.

"Want... want to keep going. Want more of you."

It can still feel good, erection or no.

**Saeyoung**

Music to his ears. Saeyoung brings his free hand to his mouth, drenching it in as much spit as possible. He has to be careful, like this, but with a finger...

Saeran accepts Saeyoung's finger more easily than expected, and Saeyoung gently curls it upwards, continuing to spit and moisten and lick. Putting pressure in places that produce a nice warm buzz of pleasure.

The finger now giving Saeran gentle stimulation, Saeyoung lifts his head back up to lap again at Saeran's spent balls, hanging loose after their earlier tension. There's a faint chill to Saeran's skin with all this damp, even with the fire, so Saeyoung is quick to warm with his mouth.

(Does this feel good? I can lick you clean while doing this, too... wouldn't want to waste it.)

**Saeran**

"Nmmn... good…" Saeran is quick to respond. The massage to his inner walls sending him waves of faint pleasure, and the attention to his balls similar kindling.

Coming down from the high makes him aware of how debauched he's become though, especially with Saeyoung's suggestion.

(Look at what you do to me...)

Raising a cum soaked hand, Saeran cards it through Saeyoung's hair. Marking his brother with his own scent.

"...please... take care of me."

**Saeyoung**

He straightens up, so that he can say it out loud, voice rough and raw from his exertion: "Always..."

His finger still gently pressing into his twin, he leans over to lap first around his brother's cock, slick with his twin's spit, pre-cum and semen... nuzzling into the skin and humming with pleasure.

He gazes up at Saeran, spread out, shirt up around his nipples, body dripping with cum... far more than you'd expect, for a second round, but clearly he'd tapped into some deep reserves...

(You look so good... you're so gorgeous, Saeran...) He starts to lap up around his brother's pelvis, following every splatter with his tongue.

Some has definitely gotten onto his clothes, but that's fine. He'll lick it off where he can, and... the fact that his younger brother has gotten cum on Saeyoung’s hoodie...

A little spike of pleasure travels from his stomach to his cock.

(So hot...)

**Saeran**

Hearing how rough Saeyoung's voice has become is hot in its own way too, truly signifying the effort his brother has gone through to please him...

But Saeran doesn't want it to only be about him. Feeling the echo of his brother's need, he arches up into Saeyoung's tongue. "Did you want to..."

No, phrasing it that way is stupid. Saeran doesn't need to ask.

"I'm yours, so... you can have my body. You can... you can fuck me. You’ve already prepared me for it. Do it."

It might not be quite as smooth as with lube, but he can tell Saeyoung’s well and truly gotten him damp enough there with his spit and his touches.

**Saeyoung**

"Saeran..."

His voice, still raw, communicates both his hunger for his twin...

...but also some small reluctance. He’s been fucked with only spit before and been fine, but he wants Saeran to feel as good as possible…

But, Saeyoung _does_ come up, on top of his twin, his dick hanging above his brother's body, rigid and needy. As he does it, he gently slips his finger out from Saeran's asshole, wiping it against his own thigh before steadying himself.

“Touch me…”

(Your hands... touch me like you touched yourself, Saeran...)

(When I’m close, I could finish in you…)

That way at least he won’t need to worry about the spit only lasting so far…

**Saeran**

Saeran obliges gladly. Happy to please his lover in any way he can.

Seeing the proof of his brother's need helps too, Saeran's eyes focusing fully on Saeyoung's dick before reaching for it.

(You're so hard after all that...) After pleasing _him_.

A smile plays at Saeran's lips as he palms Saeyoung's cock, before slowly stroking him fully. Mimicking the pace he took earlier.

**Saeyoung**

"Nnnh..." Saeyoung groans, his lover's fingers stroking him so tenderly, still slick with his own semen and spit.

(How... how could I not get hard, with you sounding like that... responding to me like that... ahh...)

Especially looking down at his twin like this, sprawled out underneath him, happy and sweaty and _his_.

Fingers splayed either side of his twin's body, upper arm muscles tensing and glistening with sweat, he gazes down at his twin, eyes intense with love and lust.

(This is how I was when I talked to you on the phone...) he recalls. His body re-creating the situation naturally.

Though the hand on his cock this time feels much better than his own

**Saeran**

Saeran was already appreciating the way Saeyoung looked right now, but the comment causes him to give his lover another once over.

(What a waste... at least I get to see how you look now.)

He sighs, then accompanies that with a squeeze of Saeyoung's cock, pumping it faster. "This time I'm under you too... rather than some pillow." Saeran smirks at the thought of his twin being so desperate for him, nevermind that he had been equally in need.

**Saeyoung**

That little smirk earns Saeran a row of kisses down his neck and shoulder, and a grin from Saeyoung.

"Yeah... you're much better... much, much better..." he responds, leaning his weight to the side so he can follow the path his kisses took with a finger.

"The pillow didn't-ah- sass me, for a start," he continues, having to take a short gulp of air between his words thanks to his bother's skill at touching him _just so_.

"The pillow didn't make me want to scoop it up into my arms and cling to it forever, either," Saeyoung adds, his grin melting into a much softer expression.

Struggling to keep himself stable when he wants to push back so much, Saeyoung, still on his knees, drops down to an elbow, pressing the top of his head into the space next to Saeran's, lips pressed, open, against his lover's shoulder.

"Your touch... there's nothing that can compare to your touch... your fingers around my cock..." he pants into the space between Saeran's neck and shoulder, closing his eyes so that he can focus on that touch wholly.

**Saeran**

(No substitute.) Saeran agrees internally. (The dildo was good... But your cock can't be matched.)

Even the feel of it against his hand, hot and pulsing, is so different to a toy. Saeran pumps harder, relishing how Saeyoung has to plaster himself against his body.

**Saeyoung**

"Aahhh...hh... Saeran... I love..." he manages to force out between gasps, the heat building in his body and the feeling of Saeran's hands robbing him of thought.

(I’m… I’m close already… I don’t think I can…)

He’s happy just to come into Saeran’s hand, sweet as his twin’s offer was.

**Saeran**

(I want you. Here… see?)

He shifts, and tilting his pelvis back, and stops stimulating Saeyoung to instead guide him in. He’s more than prepared to receive Saeyoung’s cock, even if his twin worries… though being filled like this for the first time in weeks does make him gasp.

(I love having you in me… fill me more, hyung…)

Saeran dots kisses along Saeyoung's jaw and up to his ear, where the piercing is. Coaxing Saeyoung to orgasm determinedly through small movements of his hips.

But it's not quite enough...

Mouth pressed right up again the lobe, Saeran whispers the magic words,

"I love you, Saeyoung."

**Saeyoung**

Saeran might as well have opened the developer console in-game and entered God Mode. Those words a foolproof strategy to have him sent over the edge.

He trembles and gasps next to his twin's face, as he comes.

(I love you too... I love you so much... always...)

**Saeran**

"I could listen to you saying that forever..."

Pressing another kiss to his twin's ear, Saeran raises his hand to caress his twin’s sides instead, completing their embrace.

"I love you... You're so gorgeous, I can't handle it sometimes..." At that, he pushes back to look at his twin's face. Admiring every aspect of it, nose and dimples and all.

Saeran places another kiss at the corner of Saeyoung's mouth, appreciatively.

"You're so precious to me, Saeyoung... I want to look at your face always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments people left over this last period where I was absent... I'll try to reply soon! And hopefully should have a new MetaStar chapter up soon too!


	8. Secret habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While it continues to snow outside, the twins play card games together, and point out each other's small habits.
> 
> 100% fluff chapter~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I haven't gotten back to comments yet (but thank you so much T_T) but I managed another chapter! Hoo-hah!!!

**Saeyoung**

They cuddle a while longer, and then take turns washing again, not lingering in the shower long this time. The water heater is old and slow, and besides, Saeyoung still needs to check on the water levels in the insulated tank... he’s not sure how long they’ll need to make it last with all this snow.

Speaking of snow...

"...it's still rough out there," Saeyoung comments, as they both dry out by the fire. “I’m glad you met me here… I would have been stuck here alone, otherwise. I don’t think I would have bothered starting a fire either.”

He’d been too miserable to do anything but stare into the darkness. Probably, he would have wound up getting sick.

He's been shuffling cards in his hands as he talks, the sound satisfying, the movement clearly practiced many times.

"Wanna play a card game?" he asks abruptly, seeing Saeran's eyes drawn to his hands.

**Saeran**

Honestly, Saeran can watch his brother's hands forever. Enjoying their shape and deftness. So it takes him a moment to register there might be a point to the shuffling...

Especially after Saeyoung's musing about being here alone.

(If you froze to death here...) No, he doesn't want to think about it. Choosing to be glad that he was determined to reunite with Saeyoung no matter what.

"Okay. We've got some time anyway." Besides, Saeyoung made him curious. He's never...

(I haven't played with cards before.)

There was never any time... or anyone to play with.

**Saeyoung**

"It's been a while since I last played, but they were handy on missions when I couldn't use my phone and wanted to keep my mind occupied," Saeyoung comments. He could entertain himself in his own head, sure, but a few props helped immeasurably... and playing cards, along with origami, were two lightweight hobbies he could carry around easily.

They were activities that could never be compromised by other hackers, also.

"I still remember the rules, though, even though it's been a while... hmmm. Let's try Kings in the Corner..."

Other than at university, he’s used to playing against himself. He wonders how different that will feel to playing against Saeran.

"First, we..."

He explains the division of cards between players and the "board", picking seven cards at random for both himself and Saeran.

"Now, the goal is to..."

Just as Saeyoung anticipated, Saeran catches onto the core gameplay fast.

**Saeran**

Once he knows the rules, the game is fairly straight-forward. Though Saeran has no concept of a poker face while playing, smiling brightly each time he gets a match. But perhaps it's because he's simply enjoying himself with his twin...

Watching Saeyoung fuss over his cards, a thought occurs to Saeran.

"Hyung... you're the type that likes to keep busy in some way."

Whether it be work of his personal life, Saeyoung had a habit of fidgeting or taking on small projects to occupy himself. The only times he really relaxed were in Saeran's arms. Saeran understands. As precious as being able to relax was, there were times he could hardly sit still. It just so happened that Saeyoung was more energetic in that sense.

(I like to take my time... now that I have the luxury of doing that.)

**Saeyoung**

Glancing up, Saeyoung can't help but smile at his twin's observation. "Heh... yeah. I don't focus so well when my hands aren't busy."

He taps a card to his lips. "Though, you seem to like moving around too." He taps the card a couple more times, only further proving his twin's observation. "You like to get up and change your scenery more often than me. Sort of like your default setting is to go for a walk, when you feel restless."

His brother seems to be more at peace with silence, too. Certainly, it's not a trait anyone would accuse Saeyoung of.

He... has the urge to show off, then, and he's about to place this card down, anyway, so he starts rotating it back and forth from finger to finger, a precise and smooth movement.

It _does_ look cool.

"I should teach you some card tricks, too. And shuffling like I did before. It's really satisfying!"

**Saeran**

Saeran's happier that Saeyoung picked up on his habit without being told, cheeks rosy with delight, but the card trick is certainly interesting as well.

"Ah, would you? Then, you can teach me after I beat you," he says, completely certain he will.

**Saeyoung**

Ceasing his showy card transfer, Saeyoung holds it horizontally between two fingers, pointing it at Saeran. "Oh, will you now?"

It's the kind of behaviour that just makes Saeyoung want to pounce, utilising his best tickle techniques. But, he does want to see how this plays out. The result of tickling Saeran is already a known. The result of the game is still yet to be seen.

And if Saeran wins, or if he loses... both results will be cute, he thinks to himself with a smirk.

**Saeran**

"What's that smirk for?" Saeran asks, as he places a card down. Confident he can get through this hand without issue.

Essentially, he's counting cards, and is fairly certain he could win. If it wasn't for his lack of a poker face, they could make good money that way... Though maybe in front of people Saeran doesn't know, he'd be different. He does have a tendency to withdraw with strangers, unless he's particularly drawn to them for some reason. Like MC.

Maybe it's better to play online.

The idea doesn’t occur to Saeran though, simply enjoying playing with Saeyoung and his incoming victory.

(Unless he has an ace, I don't think he can win...)

**Saeyoung**

(Hmm...)

Truth be told, Saeyoung had been watching his twin more than card counting, enjoying every transparent expression his brother made. Now that most of the cards have been laid out...

(I'm not going to win this, am I?) he thinks to himself, expression unchanged.

Also, he _really_ should have taken the jokers out of the deck first.

Both of them in his hand right now.

"Say hello to my little friends~" he grins triumphantly, and for a second, just a second, Saeran looks like he thinks he's lost, that Saeyoung has managed it despite the odds -- then Saeyoung places the two jokers face up by the rest of the cards and does a victory sign.

"I lose~"

**Saeran**

Laughing at the ludicrousness, Saeran folds his hand. "I told you so," he says, confidence boost making him smug. "It figures you'd get the jokers, too."

Collecting the cards up, Saeran shuffles them awkwardly.

(It's harder than it looks.)

Which brings him back to Saeyoung's habit.

"I wonder if anyone else knows about your habit...  maybe the RFA? It makes me want to find something about you no one else knows... not even you."

A little thing just for Saeran to treasure.

**Saeyoung**

"Not even me?!" Saeyoung asks theatrically, still in playful mode. Saeran's smug pleasure at his victory absolutely makes up for losing.

"You won't have to dig too hard for something the RFA haven't noticed, at least," he adds, aware of how easy he'd made it for them to never look too deeply into his own affairs. "Though they've certainly had an education recently..."

(Plenty of things about me only I know, though...)

Though, Saeyoung, for all his talent at monitoring others, isn't actually all that great about observing himself, despite what he might think.

He leans over to gently push down the thumbs of Saeran's hands against the stack of cards with his own. "Keep the pressure here with them, especially... you need to keep them loose, but don't lose that firmness at the thumbs..."

**Saeran**

Breath hitching, Saeran quickly glances back up to Saeyoung's face then down again. It's a little gesture, but it still gives him a warm, tickling feeling in his chest.

"Okay..."

He tries shuffling again. It's still awkward, but a bit better.

(I'll probably need to practice it.)

He tries again, improving. "It's true the RFA doesn't know certain things," Saeran agrees, going back to the topic. "They've noticed your habit of staring at me, though."

Hiding their love might well have benefitted the most from the fact that they were siblings. If they weren’t, people might have already started to wonder, the way Saeyoung regards his twin.

"Hmmm..." Saeran ponders, still shuffling.

**Saeyoung**

"I was looking at you long before you accepted my kisses..." Saeyoung reminds his brother softly. "Always..."

He'd tried not to bother Saeran, but he'd certainly been that way since his brother had returned, as an adult.

Both out of love, and fear that if he didn't watch his brother, he'd leave, one way or another.

At least, that's how it had been at first.

It's true his gazes these days are driven more by romantic thoughts than anything else. But it can't look _that_ different to the RFA, can it?

Speaking of watching his twin...

Saeran's pondering face, mixed in with his concentrating face as he handles the cards... Saeyoung smiles, enjoying the sight.

Enough that he can't help but lean in and give his twin a quick peck on the cheek.

(So focused~)

**Saeran**

"I could always sense your gaze," Saeran says, returning Saeyoung's smile with one of his own. Not that being looked at by Saeyoung had always pleased him.

At some points it had been painful, or irritating. The looks Saeyoung gave him after they’d reunited were so full of concern or sadness... It was only in the past year that his eyes stopped having that shimmering quality of almost being brought to tears.

There were still shadows there though, a deep guilt that can’t be erased easily. At least as  their relationship has developed, it seems to have diminished.

(I wonder...)

(How did my eyes look to you, back then?)

Empty, maybe. At least to begin with. Gloomy and glassy.

"Anyway..." Saeran murmurs, trying to distract himself from such dark thoughts, "I thought of a habit you might not know about."

**Saeyoung**

Part of Saeyoung wants to reassure his brother, though there's not much he can say, especially about those initial months. Saeran's eyes had been lost, and mostly hopeless, but even when their link was weak, it still felt like Saeran was searching for something. Which gave Saeyoung hope.

So Saeyoung had held onto that hope for both of them, until Saeran had started to find small things to be hopeful about on his own.

(Like the eyes of my one and only brother, that I love more than anything…)

It’s probably best to leave it there, for now.

Saeyoung leans forward again, this time steepling his fingers and raising an eyebrow at his twin. "A habit I don't know about... I'm intrigued~"

**Saeran**

Rather than respond to Saeyoung's curiosity, Saeran passes back the card deck nonchalantly.

"I'll keep it a secret. Just for me."

It's fun to keep Saeyoung guessing too.

**Saeyoung**

(Oh really?)

Saeyoung places the deck on the ground next to him and drops down to his hands and knees, leaning over the space between them.

"Is it my habit of..."

He pounces, stretching out his arms to tickle under Saeran's arms.

"...being easily provoked?" He knows he's going to be made to regret it if he keeps it up, though, so he switches out the tickling for a half-prone hug on his twin after a couple seconds.

"I hear if you capture an angel, they have to grant you a wish!" he says, with zero evidence to back him up.

**Saeran**

Choking a little on his laughter and squirming at the tickle attack, Saeran pushes back against Saeyoung.

"You getting provoked isn't a secret," he scolds, "And isn't getting a wish based on shooting stars?"

He isn't falling for it. Or rather: he refuses to.

**Saeyoung**

"But Saeran-aaaahhhhhhhhh, my heart's always shooting stars when you're around~ My wish potential is infinite!"

He lets go of Saeran's waist at last, but only to roll over so his head is in Saeran's lap, looking up at his twin.

"A challenge, then!" He raises one finger into the air above his chest. "If I win the next game, you have to give me a hint."

**Saeran**

"Oh, there's another one!" Saeran exclaims, voice light like he discovered something new and pleasing. Briefly distracted by Saeyoung challenging him.

Smiling mischievously down at Saeyoung, he continues, "Even if I give you a hint, there's now more than one, you know?" He bends down to kiss Saeyoung's nose briefly.

"Besides, why would I agree to that challenge?"

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung wrinkles his nose and sticks out his tongue. "Isn't the pleasure of winning good enough for you?"

That said, what _could_ he offer his brother? That he'd actually _want_? Especially seeing most of the things Saeran does want, Saeyoung wants too, so withholding any of those would be a punishment to them both.

(Hmmm...)

"If you win a second time..." he stalls, "I could... post all about you beating me in the messenger?"

**Saeran**

That's... that's actually a pretty good prize...

Saeran's sense of fun and competition has been completely targeted, eyes sparkling at the thought.

"Alright. I'll take it."

 He's confident he can win again, too.

**Saeyoung**

Soon the 'board' is set again with the starting cards, each twin with a hand of seven.

It's almost all worth adding this extra challenge just to see Saeran looking so excited.

Almost.

Saeyoung has a score to settle, after all. This time, he won't let himself get distracted by...

(...I love his concentrating face...)

(...no!! Focus!!!)

...every little thoughtful pause and gesture from his brother.

**Saeran**

(Haha...)

Seeing Saeyoung get distracted over him is... well, distracting. It's very cute though.

And it gives him an advantage, one he knows how to abuse as he plays.

**Saeyoung**

He's weak to it. So Saeran's tactics work pretty well. Though Saeyoung still has a chance.

Though both their hands are rapidly emptying... Saeyoung purses his lip and tries not to look at his twin being unfairly adorable - calculated or otherwise.

**Saeran**

Saeran has the same weakness. It's natural for him to lose focus when Saeyoung is trying so hard and being so cute about it.

In other words, his plan is backfiring.

When it comes down to it...

Saeyoung just might win.

(He's so determined...)

Saeran can’t bring himself to be mad about it.

**Saeyoung**

This time - Saeyoung's hand is kind to him.

(Ah!)

He places his last card down, honestly slightly surprised that he managed to win against Saeran's Adorable Advantage. Maybe second time's the charm?

Or maybe they're so evenly matched that it's almost a flip of a coin as to who will win.

He looks up at Saeran, faint surprise readable on his face.

**Saeran**

"What's that look for?" Saeran teases, having seen it coming. "Don't tell me you weren't planning on winning after all?"

Saeran is going to indulge in provoking his brother. It's his right as the loser, after all.

**Saeyoung**

"I just thought it was gonna be tough what with you being all... _you_ " he whines. "Distracting me with... with your face!!!" He wrinkles his nose at Saeran again, pouting.

"But..." he adds, face breaking into a grin, "I won, huh...?"

He flops forwards into the neatly laid out cards, like he's a cat rubbing his face in a shoe.

"Mmmmm so good... winning is so goooood... awww yeah~" He gets up onto his elbows to cup his face and grin up at Saeran.

There's a card stuck to his cheek. He doesn’t care. "So? So??"

**Saeran**

As usual, Saeyoung is ridiculous. Saeran saw that coming from a mile away too.

"Honestly..." Reaching out, he plucks the card from Saeyoung's cheek.

"It wasn't like I had to keep myself from looking at your face either?"

If anything, that made it worse. The moments they caught each other looking... The charge in the air...

Even remembering it sends sparks through Saeran's fingertips. If they hadn’t so recently fooled around, he would have been tempted to…

"Ahh... But you won, so..."

Right. The hint.

"...it's to do with your hands."

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung taps his own fingers against his cheek.

"My hands...?"

He smirks up at Saeran. "I'll have to think of all the things I do with them while you're around, then. It might take a while."

He wriggles up against Saeran, leaning back against him, scattering a few more cards. "So, fellow winner~" he starts. "Do you wanna break the tie, or..." he glances down at the mess of cards in front of them.

(Something else we could do with our hands...)

"...we could make a card castle?"

**Saeran**

Not willing to give any more hints, Saeran is quite good at keeping his mouth shut on the topic. Saeyoung just offered a very interesting proposal anyway.

"If I win and break the tie... will you still tell everybody on the messenger?"

It's too tempting to pass by. Though a card castle sounds fun too.

"We can build the castle after."

**Saeyoung**

"Thirsty for a rematch? I'm game, card shark-nim."

Saeran deals, and Saeyoung eyes his own cards with interest, fanning them out and looking at Saeran over them owlishly.

(Gonna get you to grant a wish if I win~)

**Saeran**

"'If'," Saeran murmurs pointedly, his hand better than it was the last match. He’s curious about the wish, but... he does want to win, too.

Once again, the match is pretty even. They truly are twins.

**Saeyoung**

This time Saeyoung can see the loss coming a couple turns before the end, luck against him.

Still, that means he gets to enjoy paying more attention to his brother's cute card-playing behaviours as he races towards the inevitable finish.

"Well...!" Saeyoung volunteers, dropping his remaining cards to the ground.  "You beat me again."

He puts on a fake-innocent smile. "Hmm. But what was it I was gonna do? I just can't remember..."

**Saeran**

Pouting, Saeran bumps himself against Saeyoung. "Don't be a sore loser, Hyung."

He played along with giving a hint after all!

(It's unfair.)

**Saeyoung**

Grinning, he wraps his arms around his twin.

(I got to see that sulky expression even though you won...I'm definitely the winner here after all~)

"Okay, okay~" he fusses, playfully, at Saeran’s continued displeasure. "Give me a sec~"

He pulls out his phone, one arm still around his twin.

He grins at the list of people currently in the chatroom.

Always fun to bust in when it's full.

> [707 has entered the chatroom]
> 
> 707: Everyone!
> 
> 707: Big news!!
> 
> 707: Prepare!!!
> 
> 707: Yourselves!!!

**Saeran**

(Cheater.)

Nonetheless, Saeran makes himself comfortable against Saeyoung. Resting a head on his twin's shoulder as he watches the messenger antics unfold, mouth twitching.

It feels good to have his skill acknowledged in such a way.

**Saeyoung**

> Yoosung: omg
> 
> Yoosung: are you okay Seven?
> 
> Yoosung: is it why you couldn't answer my call??
> 
> Zen: What happened? Dude, are you okay?
> 
> 707: it's...
> 
> [707 crying emoji]
> 
> 707: IT'S!!!
> 
> 707: SAERAN!
> 
> [707 depression emoji]
> 
> [707 depression emoji]
> 
> [707 depression emoji]

**Saeran**

He's spamming again...

"You're going to make them think I did something terrible... or something terrible happened." Saeran complains, grabbing for Saeyoung's phone.

(If you won't do it, I'll do it myself.)

**Saeyoung**

"Ga-aah!" Saeyoung struggles to keep a hold on his phone, "I gotta - yeowch - build up suspense, you kn-know!"

But Saeran pries it out of his fingers.

"Aww, come on~" Saeyoung blurts out, "I was almost there!!"

**Saeran**

Saeran gives Saeyoung a long looooong look... then finally returns the phone.

"Do it properly, then."

**Saeyoung**

In the moments they've been fighting over the phone, Zen and Yoosung have been going crazy with speculation. Jumin is also present, but hasn't actually posted any response yet.

> 707: Okay, I'll tell you, my story of woe...
> 
> 707: Saeran... beat me at cards T_T
> 
> Zen: what
> 
> 707: that's what I said! T_T
> 
> Zen: No, I mean
> 
> Yoosung: >_<
> 
> Zen: Yeah!
> 
> Yoosung: You had me so nervous just now! I'm so mad at you!!
> 
> Zen: Yeah, we were worried sick! Well, except for that corporate heir, who didn't even say a word...
> 
> Jumin Han: If it was that important, Luciel wouldn't have 'beaten bushes' like that.
> 
> Jumin: A new phrase I learned today [rose and ribbon speech bubble]
> 
> Yoosung: oh...
> 
> Yoosung: you know, that actually... makes a lot of sense;;
> 
> Jumin: If he had been that desperate, especially when it comes to someone as important as his brother, he would have been far more direct with requesting assistance.

**Saeran**

Jumin... knows Saeyoung pretty well, doesn't he? Moreso than his brother's supposed best friends.

(He's always been the type to observe from the outside looking in, so it makes sense.)

It was a trait that Saeran admired in the CEO-to-be as well.

"You got called out." At this point Saeyoung might as well spill that Saeran put him up to this.

Either way, it's fun seeing them all interact. It feels like it's been a long time since Saeran has truly enjoyed the messenger, or talked to anyone in it.

There's no question why. He missed his twin. Reminded of the fact, Saeran tilts his head to press a kiss to his brother's jaw in appreciation.

**Saeyoung**

The kiss almost makes Saeyoung drop his phone, because the first thing he wants to do as soon as he feels it is cup Saeran's face...  his other hand still around Saeran's waist...

(Ah! I love you...!)

It's not even an intentional thought, just a blossoming of emotion at the gesture from his lover.

> Zen: Still, this is the first time you've posted in the messenger since returning to the country;;
> 
> Zen: And you post THAT??

Saeyoung nuzzles into Saeran, half an eye on his phone.

> 707: lookf i was veryy stunnedhe beatt mesou ndly
> 
> Zen: typos;;
> 
> 707: i'm just shockfed thats all
> 
> Jumin Han: He is the younger twin, but you can't underestimate him for the age difference.
> 
> Yoosung: Age difference…
> 
> Yoosung: how… much younger is he?

Saeyoung turns his head to look more closely at where his fingers are going.

> 707: we were born on the same day
> 
> 707: so we share a birthday~ ^^
> 
> Jumin Han: Sometimes, natural labour can cause twins to be hours apart.
> 
> Zen: Sounds tough;;;
> 
> 707: To be honest, we don't have a lot of information about that stuff.
> 
> Jumin Han: You should discuss this with me when you are next at C&R. I have some additional information in the package you delivered to me from V you might find interesting.
> 
> 707: oh!
> 
> 707: so he wasn't sending you cookies like i guessed >_<
> 
> Yoosung: V…
> 
> Yoosung: ...how was he?

Saeyoung pauses. Nuzzles Saeran's neck more softly, before turning to reply.

> 707: he's okay... he seems happier than he was
> 
> 707: but maybe we should talk about it in person
> 
> Zen: it's nice to have it where everyone can see, though. And the messenger's secure, right?
> 
> 707: yeah
> 
> 707: I think he has something for u all in the package for Jumin
> 
> Jumin Han: Yes. I'll distribute them later. He wanted my opinion first.
> 
> Zen: Do you think we could visit him? It's been so long.
> 
> Jumin Han: We'll see.
> 
> Zen: Cold;;;
> 
> Jumin Han: I wish to visit him too. But it certainly wouldn't be wise to do so at this exact time.
> 
> 707: Yeah;; u all be safe, ok
> 
> 707: don't answer any weird phonecalls
> 
> 707: or emails
> 
> 707: and don't challenge my brother to card games >_<
> 
> Yoosung: ;;
> 
> Zen: one of those seems less about safety and more about pride lmao
> 
> 707: if u need a lesson in humility~
> 
> 707: i'll send him ur way~

**Saeran**

Any pleasure Saeran felt stills at the mention of V. Although he'd been tentatively curious about how the man was, the reminder of his existence felt too sudden.

(...Right now we can be in our own world, but once the snow clears...)

At least... Hearing V was doing well... leaves Saeran with some peace.

He cuddles back up against his twin, as Saeyoung turns the chat back to the light topic of cards. Simply wanting to absorb his brother's presence.

**Saeyoung**

Pressing up against Saeran is comforting, Saeyoung's grip on the phone loosening a little.

(We haven't really talked about what happened yet, huh...)

There was a lot to unpack from Saeyoung's trip, after all.

He's not even sure his twin _wants_ to hear some of it. The Rika parts in particular.

(But... it doesn't have to be soon.)

He chats a little longer, taking a couple more opportunities to praise his twin, then exits the messenger. Taking the chance to draw Saeran into his arms fully, and kissing the back of his neck.

Grateful that he can be there for his brother like this. Thankful that the world wasn't stopping him from offering warmth to the one person he cared about more than anything else.

**Saeran**

His feelings about V and Rika...

Were complicated, particularly the latter. Saeran couldn't help but react badly, in spite of the fact he did have good memories too...

Though in a way, the good moments made the bad so much worse.

(...let's leave it for later.)

For now, Saeran leans back in his twin's arms, taking comfort.

"Shall we make that card castle, then?"

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung snuggles into his brother a little more. "Okay. One more minute of cuddles first though~"

He kisses Saeran's neck lightly a couple more times, enjoying the reminder of his twin's physical presence.

(Okay...)

He brings his hands up in front of them both, and touches the tips of his fingers together to make a roof-like shape.

"First we gotta put two cards together on an angle like this..."

They shuffle apart to start the castle foundation.

**Saeran**

Building the castle is intuitive enough. The major issue is trying to keep at all balanced - a problem which Saeran has more than once.

Blowing his hair out of his eyes in frustration, he sits back to take a break.

Only to see Saeyoung do perfectly fine at it. "You're good..."

It's both admirable and irritating.

**Saeyoung**

"Well, it's certainly not my first castle," Saeyoung smiles back, gently releasing his grip on another card, keeping his breath and words light.

He leans back, admiring the height they've already managed to reach. His brother might have to spend a lot more concentration and time to get the cards to align, but he's managed not to knock any over, a feat in itself.

He tells Saeran as much.

"It can be a little tense... but the release when you knock it down is pretty fun."

An evil grin. "If only we had some dominoes... then you get to make a mess AND it's pretty..."

**Saeran**

"That's just like you," Saeran teases, having seen the toys and chaos Saeyoung likes to live in.

It does sound fun to knock the castle down though. Especially right now, as he pokes a finger out threateningly towards a card Saeyoung had just placed.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung's grin just broadens. "Go on. I dare you."

**Saeran**

Well, if Saeyoung is daring him...!

Saeran pokes it, the entire card deck folding and scattering across the floor.

(It's... incredibly satisfying.)

"Did you think I wouldn't?"

**Saeyoung**

Looking just as satisfied, Saeyoung scoops his arms across the floor to pull all the cards into a small pile.

"I _wanted_ you to~”

(Your expression watching them fall was _so good._ )

“Wanna build it up one more time?”

**Saeran**

(My expression?)

What was so good about it?

"Sure, once more," Saeran agrees either way. For him, it's far more important to get to be able to do something with Saeyoung. No matter what it is.

**Saeyoung**

(Well, you... wait. No. _I’m_ gonna keep it a secret too~ Your cute habit~)

He starts stacking cards together again, grinning to himself over his ~new secret Saeran observation~

**Saeyoung**

"Eh?"

There's a saying: All is fair in love and war.

That doesn't mean Saeran isn't going to be shocked by his own tactics being used against him.

He'd really meant to keep a little something close to his heart after all... Only for him to enjoy... (Were you fretting that much over it?)

It was never intended to be malicious. Playful, if anything.

But now he wants to know what Saeyoung thinks too, the secret feeling more like revenge than actually treasuring the habit.

"Saeyoung..."

**Saeyoung**

(Oh... I just...)

Saeran doesn't sound happy.

"Y-yeah...?"

Saeyoung flicks over the cards to kneel next to his twin. "Uh... I can tell you if you really want... I was just playing..." He leans into his brother's side.

**Saeran**

"It's fine if you're playing, but..."

Saeran picks up the cards now instead, starting to stack them himself even as Saeyoung snuggles up to him, "As long as its not you taking revenge... if you really want to know about your habit, I'll tell you too."

He never intended to make Saeyoung upset.

**Saeyoung**

"It's okay if you don't tell me," Saeyoung replies, nuzzling Saeran's shoulder, causing his twin to have to pause a second, else he might mess up the cards, "I just wanted to tease you more because your huffy expression is so cute..." He snakes a hand around Saeran's back carefully, so that he doesn't bump his twin too much more.

"But I don't mind... I like that you noticed things about me. And I thought it was fun that you weren't telling me, too."

(Did I go overboard?)

**Saeran**

Relaxing, Saeran shakes his head.

"You have a tendency not to think sometimes... But if that's all it is, it's fine."

Saeran doesn't need to know the details of the faces he makes anyway. God forbid it encourages Saeyoung to wax poetic again. He’s heard enough about angels.

In a conciliatory gesture, Saeran turns his head to kiss Saeyoung briefly on his brow.

(I'm insecure a lot too... you know that.)

In shift of topic, Saeran returns his attention to the cards.

"Aren't you going to help?"

**Saeyoung**

"Mmmmm~" Saeyoung replies, but instead of moving back to sit across from Saeran, he stays at his side. Even as he leans forward to gently place another card on the tower, he keeps a leg pressed up against his twin.

It makes placing cards increasingly difficult the higher the castle grows, but Saeyoung just elooooongates his torso enough to delicately apply each new card to the stack. Like a cat on a chair trying to peer into their owner's cereal bowl.

The taller it gets, the more Saeyoung holds his breath with each lean. And then - they've done it.

All 52 cards. Trembling slightly in the air circulating around the room thanks to the mixture of warm air from the fire and cool air from... basically everywhere else.

"Wanna... poke it together?" Saeyoung asks, draping himself over Saeran.

**Saeran**

Having Saeyoung plastered against him... feels pretty good. Though some of his acrobatics were concerning.

Either way, he takes his brother's hand.

"Sure. On the count of three?"

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung quickly snaps a photo of their accomplishment, then they count together:

"3... 2... 1...!"

They both swat at the castle, which crumbles into individual cards with a rewarding, papery clatter.

"Nice... nice!" Saeyoung chuckles, flicking over a couple remaining cards. He snuggles back up against his twin.

"This... being snowed-in thing isn't too bad~"

**Saeran**

It's true. Saeran thought he'd have cabin fever by now.

(Probably because I have you here...)

Without company, particularly Saeyoung's, he might have gone stir crazy. Reliving the experience of being trapped indoors was not one Saeran expected to enjoy. Moreso due to the technical work that had to be done.

"The atmosphere is completely different here... it's good."

Though now his eyes are drawn to the windows and the scenery beyond.

(It would be nice to go outside for a short bit... the snow seems to have stopped.)

"If anything the only problem is it's getting stuffy... we should get some fresh air."


	9. Would you like to build a snow-twin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins check the exterior security... and more importantly, build snowmen.
> 
> Another fluff chapter!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder since it's been a long time since this information was shared in this series, but Saeyoung revealed to Saeran during [ The Only Medicine](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14768348/chapters/34153484) that he had attempted to travel back to Korea to give Saeran a Christmas present, during Saeyoung's time at college... that's the present that Saeyoung is referring to towards the end of this chapter.

**Saeyoung**

Given the snow seems to have ceased for now, the twins agree to take a walk around the perimeter. For fresh air, as well as to double-check that they haven’t been tracked down by anyone.

Saeran already came prepared with winter-friendly clothing. Saeyoung had discarded some of his clothing after visiting Rika, but he still has items he can use in the cabin. Including some warm kitten mittens.

They have fuzzy ears on top, and whiskers.

Saeyoung could be accused of several things, but veering off-brand is not one of them.

They start with checking the perimeter, after opening the door and being hit with a wall of frosty air.

**Saeran**

It's enough to give Saeran second thoughts, grimacing at the sudden chill. Once the shock wears off, he steps outside properly. Taking a deep breath.

(Refreshing.)

Saeran's certainly much more awake.

Blinking, he simply stands in place and takes it all in. Sparkling snow... Soft rustling of trees in the wind...

And Saeyoung behind him, warm and bright as always.

Saeran turns and offers his twin his hand.

"Let's go?"

**Saeyoung**

Taking his brother's hand, Saeyoung presses a warm kiss to his twin's already-chilling cheek.

"Yeah. Let's check the cars and the entry before anything else."

Jumin's fleet car is under several layers of snow, untouched. No tracks leading up the gravel road to the cabin, either - the only marks their own, and from the looks of it, a few birds.

Saeyoung blows puffs of warm air in front of them as they walk hand-in-hand to where Saeran has hidden Saeyoung's car.

"Oh, it's good to see you~" Saeyoung greets it warmly as they approach.

**Saeran**

"Your other lover," Saeran murmurs, supposedly to himself but very much meant for Saeyoung to hear. "Reunited at last."

Of course, Saeran had no room to talk. He enjoyed taking her out on a ride too.

(We'll need to drive back separately, unless you want to leave her here.) Unlikely.

Saeran reaches put to brush some snow off the hood idly, the motion unnecessary since the trees have protected the car. Mostly he's just dawdling, enjoying being able to go outside with Saeyoung hand-in-hand... And not in disguise.

**Saeyoung**

"Does that mean when we made love in my car, it was a threesome~?" Saeyoung teases, squeezing his brother's hand.

He addresses his next comment to the car, free hand over his heart. "I'm sorry babe, hope you didn't get the wrong idea. Saeran's the only one for me." Saeyoung blows into his mitten with his free hand, tiny bits of steam escaping around the edges. It’s not immediately apparent _why_ he’s doing this, but then -

\- he tugs at his twin’s hand gently, stepping to the side and turning to face Saeran. (Had to make sure my lips would be warm!)

“We better make sure she knows my heart’s yours, my love~” he adds aloud, muffled by the mitten still covering his face. Then he leans in, pressing his warm lips against Saeran’s chilled ones. Being able to be affectionate outside…

Saeyoung closes his eyes, enjoying making the kiss just last a liiiiitle longer.

He wants to enjoy being able to be so openly in love outside, too... a little longer...

**Saeran**

The set-up is ridiculous, but Saeran is happy to go along with the kiss. Mouth opening against Saeyoung's, seeking out the heat of his twin's lips.

(Getting to kiss you like this... Feels so liberating.)

His cheeks are turning pretty warm too, or maybe that's the cold. If they wouldn't freeze, Saeran would be tempted to press hands up Saeyoung's clothes.

With a final kiss, they part slightly. Breath fogging up each other's faces.

"...think she got the idea?"

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung’s lip curls upwards. “Maybe we should make sure…” He takes Saeran’s free hand with his own, raising them up to press between their chests as he leans in again for another smooch, his brother’s lips much warmer this time around.

(I... we have to go back to the beach while it's cold... I want to do this there, too, when no one else is around…)

Though even in the warmer weather, they’d hardly had anyone else to hide from on that stretch of less popular, rockier coastline…

**Saeran**

"Mhmm..."

(Wherever we live next... Should be private too. Maybe we could forge the deeds to this cabin as well...)

It was abandoned after all.

**Saeyoung**

(Yeah... yeah...!!)

If they have to sacrifice some convenience for privacy, he’s all for it. It’s not like the bunker was set up that conveniently anyway.

“This place… I’ve wiped it from every record… making it more official could be nice, though… especially given after this, it should be fine to put our names against property…”

The bunker, while Saeyoung’s, was owned under an assumed name, of course. Not quite remote enough he could just make it entirely cease to exist in government records, though, it was barely above that, mysteriously absent from many registers and databases…

(Saeyoung Choi… Saeran Choi…) he thinks, imagining an actual piece of paper that acknowledged the two of them together, owning something together… with their real names. And given girls can be called Saeyoung, too, someone glancing at it might even think they were…

He leans his forehead into his brother’s.

(That sounds really good…)

The cold around them can’t beat the warm feeling those thoughts bring. He squeezes Saeran’s hands again.

“Hey… ever made a snowman?”

**Saeran**

That thought alone energizes Saeran, and he nuzzles his nose into Saeyoung's cheek enthusiastically.

"A snowman... no, never."

Usually in the winter, Saeran had just stayed inside to work.

**Saeyoung**

"Well, if you want, maybe we could take a walk along the forest's edge another few minutes to warm up our bodies a little... then maybe try making one? Maybe two?"

With their hands protected and their warm clothing, they should be fine to spend more time outside.

And neither of them seem keen to go back just yet.

Though Saeyoung is enjoying the warm little pocket of air between them, face flushed from their kisses. So he lingers a little more, forehead still pressed against Saeran's, listening to the quiet birdsong coming from the trees.

**Saeran**

(It wouldn't be too childish...?)

While making snowmen was the quintessential winter activity, Saeran had thought he'd lost his chance. It was one of those things associated with childhood.

Then again, Saeyoung wasn't the most mature person either.

That suits him just fine. (I want to experience that sort of thing with you...)

Especially as they couldn't as kids.

"Shall we make twins?" Saeran asks impishly, face still close to Saeyoung's. "If its only one, it might be lonely."

**Saeyoung**

Keeping hold of one mittened hand, Saeyoung raises the other to touch Saeran's face, even though it's a little fumbly through the fabric.

(We can be as childish as we like, in my opinion...)

"Twins... yeah, it has to be, right? It's gotta be two!"

Still holding one of Saeran's hands, Saeyoung finally separates, leading them along the line of the forest, keeping an eye out for the most promising patches of snow.

As they walk, they chat quietly with each other, swinging their arms to keep their circulation strong.

"So..." Saeyoung starts, eyeing the darkness beyond the greatest trees. "When... when you were... living in the mountains... did you ever see a wild boar?" He drops the volume of his voice a little more. "Or... or a bear?"

**Saeran**

The questions give Saeran pause, and he glances into the forest too. Imagining the beasts lurking within.

(...They'll all be asleep, or in their dens because of the cold, right...?)

He does not want to face any down.

"...I've never seen any, but..."

He recalls the shouts of panicked believers. The footage of a large shadowy mass. The ruined garden the next morning.

It had been a bad day.

"I've seen the damage they can do," Saeran remarks, eyes serious. Saeyoung might just be winding him up, but... the threat was real.

**Saeyoung**

"Oh!" Saeyoung's head snaps around to look at his twin. "I've... I've never encountered anything out here myself."

His eyes are drawn back to the trees. "Always kinda hoped I'd see a lynx, or a musk deer, but they're endangered so... probably a zoo is our best bet." He looks back to the snowy ground around them. "We probably won't ever see anything around here other than birds and reptiles, maybe rats... but yeah..."

He sounds almost disappointed, even though encountering something like a bear or a boar wouldn’t exactly be ideal for either of them right now.

"Ah, but this is enough, I think... my fingers feel warm... let's go make the snowmen where we can see them from the windows!"

He leads Saeran back, not sparing another look to the forest.

**Saeran**

(The zoo would be nice, sometime…) he ponders, as they head back towards the cabin.

On arriving, he turns back to look at Saeyoung. "So... how do we begin?" He doesn’t have the faintest idea.

**Saeyoung**

"Heh... it's been a while, but the first thing we gotta do is pick up some not-too-fluffy snow and make a ball in our hands..."

He demonstrates, picking up some snow and moulding it into a small ball.

"This is gonna be the bottom, so we want to keep adding to it until it's about this big," he adds, raising one hand to demonstrate the final diameter of the ball.

They start work, scooping up damp snow and patting it into the sphere in their hands.

**Saeran**

Saeran more or less has the idea, and soon enough he's completed the base.

"We do the same thing for the torso but smaller, right?" he asks, despite already starting to pack a new ball.

**Saeyoung**

"Yup! Then one smaller ball for the head!"

Saeyoung finishes rolling his ball around on the ground to gather a little extra snow, placing it next to Saeran's - his twin already working on the torso for his snowman.

The torsos, while smaller, end up being pretty heavy, so they both give each other a hand picking them up and getting them to sit on top of the base.

"Now... the head... and then we can decorate~" Saeyoung says, already grinning with anticipation. His favourite part of the activity clear.

**Saeran**

'They have to match, so don't think of anything too weird." Saeran comments, all too aware of how his brother can get.

Nevertheless, it's fun making something like this together. They quickly finish the heads and place them on top, before stepping back.

**Saeyoung**

"We're naturals~" Saeyoung comments, pulling his glove off briefly so he can fish out his phone and take a photo of the initial blank slates they've now created themselves.

"Oooh. Cold weather selfie?" he questions, holding his phone up in front of them both.

**Saeran**

"Ah... sure."

It's still awkward for Saeran sometimes to believe anyone would want his photo, but... it feels good to be asked.

Shifting next to Saeyoung, Saeran gazes into the camera. Nose and cheeks red from the chill, but otherwise clearly happy.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung quickly snaps a couple photos of the two of them, then leans across to take another couple, as he presses his lips to his twin's cheek

(H...heh... for a second I worried my lips were gonna stick...)

"Awwww~" Saeyoung checks the shots. "We're adorable!"

**Saeran**

Correction: Saeyoung is adorable. Saeran's cheeks are proof, gone from a dust of pink to bright red with heat.

Of course lips sticking would be impossible.

"That would've been funny," he murmurs anyway.

**Saeyoung**

"There are worse places to get my lips stuck," Saeyoung agrees, hooking an arm into his twin's and grinning wickedly. "In fact, if they were going to get stuck anywhere, that's practically ideal~"

He nuzzles into the warm layers covering Saeran's upper arm, grin still plastered across his face.

"So, we need to find: eyes, arms, noses, and..." he leans in to smooch his brother on the cheek again, "mouths."

(There should be plenty of options for all those out here~)

"Plus anything else we wanna add!"

**Saeran**

"You have a fixation," Saeran informs Saeyoung gravely, though his lips twitch.

As for decorating the snowmen...

"Aren't our only options out here branches, leaves and rocks?"

If they really wanted to make them interesting, they should check inside too.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung hesitates, eyes flicking back over to the cabin door. "Y-yeah, that's true..." He makes an arc shape in the snow in front of himself by sweeping his shoe across the ground. "We could look in there, too... don't have any carrots for noses, though."

**Saeran**

...

Something's up.

"You don't want to go back inside...?" Saeran asks hesitantly, not sure if it's okay to prod. On the other hand, he doesn't want Saeyoung to keep anything from him either.

(It... It's okay, but... why?)

**Saeyoung**

Now Saeyoung blushes. "Ah, I didn't mean to make you worry!"

He places two dots in the snow with the foot he'd used to draw the arc in it earlier.

From the right angle, it looks like:

:)

"It's just I uhm, the cold has been making me behave myself, but..." His next sentence comes out in one long run-on blur: "You... you look so snuggly in all those layers... I've... kept thinking about kissing you more, and... thinking about when we went inside..." (pressing you up against the door and making out with you...) his inner monologue fills in, betraying himself even though he skips that part out loud.

"...but I mean obviously we have a mission and we already _did stuff_ before so I won't, I'm not so needy that I gotta, uh, but it’s just, when we're inside… you won't need all those layers on anymore and that was a little sad because you're so CUTE in them, ah, I know I over-use that word but-!!!"

He risks a glance at Saeran. "Anyway the short answer is I'm being stupid and I didn't want you to know how dumb I'm being in my own head right now but uh. That's always gonna be hard to do when it's you, huh? Hah...haha..."

**Saeran**

Oh.

Once again, Saeyoung proves he really is the cute one.

Unable to help himself, Saeran steps forward and wraps arms around his brother's waist to hold him tight. Bumping their noses together.

"It's not dumb... not at all."

(You're so adorable.)

It's always a treat to see Saeyoung get flustered. Besides, Saeyoung really took the bundled up cute look to the next level with his kitty gloves and all.

"In the first place, this is a date, right? We can think of it that way..."

Saeran certainly is.

**Saeyoung**

"Haaaah..." Saeyoung begins, face still bright red. "I know we've spent so much time together and done... done a lot already... but every time you hold my hand I never want to let go... every time I've kissed your cheek I haven't wanted to stop... every moment outside here with you I never want to end... I'm... I'm really clingy right now but I've been trying to play it cool... I really missed you Saeran... I know it wasn't that long... I know..."

(I don't want this date to end either... and you...you're so snuggle-able...) He runs a gloved hand up Saeran's back, slowly. "So, I was only worrying for a second... but you don't miss anything, haha... I love that about you, too..."

**Saeran**

There's no hiding either of their blushes at this point, so Saeran doesn't try. Instead, he follows adds to the red on Saeyoung's cheeks with his lips.

(Of course I noticed...)

"Everything you say or do... draws my attention. I can't look away."

Moreso after their time apart.

"I've wanted to go out with you like this for so long too... we don't usually get a chance like this, I wanna treasure it... And the way I can hold you in my arms."

(The only thing that could be cool in this situation is the snow.)

**Saeyoung**

“Ah… I want to go on more dates like this with you... many many more…” Saeyoung isn’t feeling the cold on his cheeks at all now. "Here, and... there are other opportunities... for us to be like this. I can stand to go inside for a few minutes if I think about that, heh..."

**Saeran**

"I can't." Saeran blurts out, a bit too honest. By the time he realizes it, it's too late, already said. "Ah... um ... I mean... now I’m feeling like that, too..."

Listening to Saeyoung's thoughts was one thing, but having him express them so endearingly... of course it appealed to Saeran. (I can't get enough of you.)

If they wanted to complete the snowmen, it's probably best that they stick with the outdoors for now.

"Ah... m-maybe the car will have something good to use too..." Saeran suggests, moving the topic away from his awkwardness.

**Saeyoung**

(A...ah... I... adore you...)

Saeyoung's eyes sparkle, lips pulling into a goofy, enchanted smile. He rocks up onto his toes a second to kiss between Saeran's eyebrows, just above his nose.

"That's a good idea..." he agrees, "we should should do that..."

(Though, maybe... if you have a minute... over here...)

Saeyoung leads his brother to the wall by the cabin window, and -

(Can I be selfish, a minute, two minutes, just...)

He leans into Saeran.

(Just a little...)

"Can I kiss you a little more, first?"

**Saeran**

(Against the wall...?)

They didn't have to move to kiss. Saeyoung did mention something about walls before though.

(Funny.)

But not off-putting.

"Two minutes, or five... you can kiss me as much as you like," he confirms, already resting hands on Saeyoung's shoulders. Any awkwardness forgotten.

**Saeyoung**

(Well, I don't want to push you over onto the snow, so-)

The enthusiasm of Saeyoung's subsequent pounce, permission received, _does_ feel like it might well have at the very least, made Saeran stumble.

(I love you... I love you! So cuddly... so...) Saeyoung passionately thinks, wrapping his arms around Saeran's waist and pressing his lips against his twin's.

(So warm... You make my heart so warm...)

The snowmen don't have eyes yet, and the birdsong remains in the trees, so they have no gaze on them at all... free to enjoy each other with kiss after kiss under the grey sky until their bodies are warmed through again.

**Saeran**

(This is probably... the best winter I've ever had.) Saeran thinks as they kiss, back pressed up against the wall and all.

In the past he'd been cold, and often alone. With the plants gone, nothing about the season had held joy for him... Except for one Christmas. "Ah."

(Christmas... that's soon. We should do something...)

He'll think about it more once their kisses are over.

**Saeyoung**

With a happy 'hmmm~!' Saeyoung leans back, still holding his twin, many kisses later.

(Oh... yes...! And, I can read your gift to you...!)

He claps a hand over his mouth, even though he wasn't talking.

(O...oh... spoilers... b-but we did talk about it before...) But since that conversation, Saeyoung had found a copy of the book in question again, thanks to the power of the internet... it was in his emergency bag of things, of course... no way he was leaving Saeran's gift at the bunker.

So, it was safe. The present he'd wanted to give all those years ago...

"It's already my best winter, too..." he murmurs aloud, dropping his hand from his mouth slightly, fingers still splayed over it a little.

"I feel like I'm going to have my best spring yet with you, too, in a few more months."

**Saeran**

The way Saeran glances at Saeyoung is sly.

"Depending on how you look at it... you could say we're already experiencing spring."

Maybe even summer considering the heat between them.

But first things first: getting out of their father's shadow...

"...Then we can start the new year with our new life." Saeran murmurs, caught up in the good mood.

**Saeyoung**

Saeran is breathtaking, hope for the future setting his eyes alight. His present happiness showing in the shape of his shoulders, his stance relaxed.

Bright hair and brighter eyes lit beautifully by the reflected light of the snow, the diffuse light through the clouds... If there's anything that makes Saeyoung think of springtime, it's his brother. Looking as vital and beautiful as the first flower unfurling from the earth in response to the light from the sun...

Saeyoung bets Saeran would be mortified if he knew how poetic he's getting again, looking at his lover's face like this.

The freedom in their grasp, the strength of their reunion, and the beauty of the winter's day and childhood experiences reclaimed...

The emotions colour his words and thoughts, but for once he channels them simply:

"I'll treasure every moment."

**Saeran**

Despite it being a grey winter day, the feedback loop of their feelings colours the world around them in vivid hues. Saeyoung in particular... is an intense presence Saeran can't help but stare at. Seeing him and only him.

It all renders him speechless. Only capable of nodding. The snowmen forgotten, Saeran reaches out to run fingers lightly across the edge of Saeyoung's fringe. Appreciating the bright red, as passionate as his heart.

"I love you, Saeyoung..." he manages finally, voice tremulous with the sincerity of that emotion.

**Saeyoung**

The words only seem to become more powerful every time Saeyoung hears them. Golden eyes not just sparkling with emotion.

"You too, Saeran... I love you..."

So many tears shed by them both over the last few weeks. But these are ones Saeyoung welcomes wholeheartedly. He pulls Saeran into a hug, their icy surroundings not able to beat the warmth between them. His cheek pressed against his twin's.

(...I love you...)

**Saeran**

It's easy to stay like that, grasping each other and consumed by their mutual adoration.

Nonetheless, the elements can't be forgotten for too long. Eventually it does start getting too cold to stick around, Saeran beginning to shiver even though he's pressed close to Saeyoung. "W... We should finish up and head inside..."

They can cuddle more there.

Reluctantly, Saeran pushes Saeyoung away.

**Saeyoung**

"R-right!"

Saeyoung snaps into action, spurred on by the shiver in his twin's body. They've been outside long enough, and cute as he is sick, Saeyoung doesn't want his brother to catch a cold. Especially not out here on their own, with limited supplies.

"Car stuff! Car stuff." They both head over to Saeyoung's car, much more likely to have interesting things in it than Jumin's fleet car.

"Oh, I still have a wallet of burned music CDs," Saeyoung muses, looking in the glovebox. "Don't really use those any more..."

Maybe they could be eyes, or snapped in half, a smile.

**Saeran**

"That could be pretty..." Saeran agrees, thinking of how the light might strike the backs and illuminate a rainbow.

(Besides, who keeps CDs in this day and age?)

This is, of course, neglecting the fact that Saeyoung kept floppy disks of all things around. Otherwise...

There's an old chip bag discarded under a seat.

"This could be a hat... But we should take it with us before we go."

Better to be environmentally friendly.

**Saeyoung**

"Yeah. I don't want to leave any junk lying around here. The animals might try to eat it!"

They'd need to take any trash with them when they left either way, given there's no collection service up here. Saeyoung idly wonders how Mint Eye handled it: probably just a mixture of composting, burial, and maybe some Believers driving stuff out to the nearest dump. It had run for a couple years after all...

Not important right now, though. And besides...

"Oh! I think the CDs have to be the mouths, 'coz look at the eyes I just found!"

There's a pop-out cup holder that Saeyoung hasn't opened in... quite some time... but when he pulls it from the recess at the driver's door, it reveals a small bag.

A bag containing a collection of very pretty, many-sided dice.

"From the last time I ran a roleplaying session with my friend Tom!" Saeyoung explains, hastening to turn to his twin as a thought occurs to him. "Uh. Pen and paper roleplaying. Not the other kind."

**Saeran**

Saeran's intrigued. He's heard about that kind of role play before, but... never got to play it himself.

"The type with wizards and wyverns?"

(Doesn't that need a big group?)

Which is exactly why he never played.

**Saeyoung**

"Tom invited a few other people, yeah... it's been a while since I played, though..."

(Wonder if the RFA...)

Yoosung would be in. The others... well... maybe if MC encouraged it...

"There's even a bunch of adventures I had ideas for that I never had a chance to try..." Saeyoung muses idly, catching a brilliant pink die in the light and watching it sparkle.

He places it in Saeran's hand. "Maybe you want to try it sometime?"

**Saeran**

It's pretty...

Saeran rolls the dice in his hand, admiring it.

"That's just what I was thinking."

Trust Saeyoung to be on the same page as him. A game with the RFA...

(It'd be a lot of fun.)

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung tucks the dice bag into his pocket. "We'll have to ask MC about it later. I bet she'd be interested, she's always looking for new RFA activities..."

Saeyoung stands again, outside of the car.

"Well... think it's time to look for some twigs for arms!"

**Saeran**

Not the hardest of tasks, though Saeran's thoughts are now elsewhere - imagining the kind of character he'd make what sort of campaign they could have...

It'll be disappointing if they didn't get to play such a game now the possibility has been brought up. After some deliberation, he finds some branches that look like decent approximations of arms. The ends spindly and distinct limbs of their own, forming perfect fingers.

It gives Saeran an idea.

"Why don't we have them hold hands?"

**Saeyoung**

Saeran gets a kiss on the cheek for that.

"That sounds perfect. Then they definitely won't look lonely."

Saeyoung carefully uses a longer stick to press down the middle of a CD, snapping it in... not perfect halves, but close enough. They can a apply a little extra snow to give the smile a perfect shape, too.

(Forget pearly whites... try iridescent glimmers!)

They both work on the faces, then add the arms.

"Heh..." Saeyoung grins, hooking an arm through Saeran's again. "Pretty good, don't you think?"

**Saeran**

"Perfect." Saeran agrees, digging his phone out of his pocket to take a picture.

(I should make this my header pic on the messenger....)

He then turns his phone onto Saeyoung taking a quick candid photo to fully capture his brother's cuteness in the moment.

**Saeyoung**

(omg pls yes p l e a s e that'd be so good i -)

[snap]

(-eh?)

Saeyoung claps his kitty gloves to his face. "You got me!" Then drops them back down immediately. "Ugh, icy..."

This apparently justifies rubbing his cheeks into Saeran's upper arm instead. "Cold... c-cooold..." He clings onto Saeran's arm. "World bright and cold... Saeran soft and warm Watch snow inside now."

**Saeran**

Saeran smiles down at his phone, admiring the gleeful look on Saeyoung's face, before drawing his attention back to the real thing. Indulgently petting Saeyoung's head.

"That's a reference, right?"

He doesn't know precisely of what. Probably some meme. Either way, inside sounds like a good idea.

"Let's head back in... ah, but what were you thinking about the header image?"

Saeran had cut him off inadvertently, and he is curious to where Saeyoung was going with that.

**Saeyoung**

"Ahh! Just that I'd have to grin like an idiot every time I saw it, haha~" Saeyoung completes the thought aloud, giving his twin's arm a squeeze.

(Yeah, just a silly reference...)

Saeyoung loosens his grip so he can take Saeran's hand in his again.

"Can't wait to sit by the fire again..."

And cuddle up against his twin...

...regain the feeling in his nose...

**Saeran**

(I love your smile.)

It’s big and goofy and brilliant. Saeran's heart feels full every time he gets to see it. Which is why he took the photo of Saeyoung... And why he'll definitely make the snowmen his header now.

Saeran leans in to kiss Saeyoung's nose meaningfully, Lips warm against it, before pulling back to tug Saeyoung inside.


End file.
